MBA App Essay - please review and offer feedback

I would appreciate any feedback, suggestions, opinions, or revisions to the following MBA application Essay.

Thank you for your help.



Essay Topic: Please describe any circumstances that may have affected your performance in school


My performance in my first two years of undergraduate studies and my GMAT may be of concern to the admissions committee. However, I feel both should be evaluated in light of the proper circumstances.

I faced several unique challenges through the course of my undergraduate career that significantly disrupted the pursuit of my degree. Specifically, two factors negatively affected my academic performance:

1) I had an undiagnosed learning disability: Attention Deficit Disorder (non-hyperactive)
2) I worked 50-60 hours per week so that I could financially support my disabled mother

A Learning disability is defined as "the perceived inability of an individual to analyze, process, and produce information in a traditional learning environment". That is a clinical definition. For me, a learning disability is much more personal.

My childhood and teenage life was academically challenging. My grades suffered because I was unable to successfully analyze, process, and produce information. Each new school year began with the hope and optimism things would change, but quickly the aggravation and frustration of previous years set in. Despite the effort to remedy my learning deficiencies, my academic struggles continued through the early years of college.

In 1994, my freshman year of college, I became the head of my household. The loss of my father made it necessary for me to take care of my mother–through emotional and financial support. It was my joy and honor to care of this wonderful women who had given so much to me throughout my life.

I juggled making a living with continuing my education my business. I took my college courses in the evening from Monday through Friday, and I worked 50-60 hours per week at my company. I had very little time to address any of the learning difficulties I encountered with my coursework. Consequently, on many occasions I fell behind in my classes. As a last resort, I often had to withdraw from the courses in order to avoid a poor grade. Despite the difficulties I was experiencing in school I had a hardened belief that I was better than this.

My academic performance drastically changed for the better during the spring term of my junior year–my doctor diagnosed me with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This learning disability had caused tremendous academic problems for me, but something far more damaging had occurred: it had stolen my ability to dream and tricked me into settling for less than my best. My “ineptness” at following directions or even remembering them, or my paralytic frustrations when confronted by a sheet of instructions telling me how to conduct the simplest things, was no longer a mystery. It was time for me to take action.

I devised an action plan to minimize my symptoms and maximize my true learning abilities. I determined I was going to be active in every part of my education. The philosophy of "Educational Empowerment" became was an active part of my plan. To me, Educational Empowerment meant the ability and knowledge to construct a learning environment matching my learning strengths against each semester's objectives. This gave me the greatest opportunity for success.

Another key part of my plan was to attack begin Biofeedback: a program similar to a computer game that involves training the brain. The objective is to control a video display by achieving a mental state that produces an increase in brain waves. My doctor called it "aerobics for the brain."

My hard work and persistence paid off: I experienced a significant upward trend in grades, and attained a B.S. degree with a combined 3.48 GPA in the final two years (last 60+ units) of college.

Although the two worlds of college and business are different, they work hand-in-hand with each other making it very important for my learning strategies to be easily transferable from college to a business setting in order to reach my professional goals. Realizing this caused me to use my time and efforts in college to mold my learning strategies in a way that had a positive impact on my professional life.

I have long desired to be apart of your prestigious MBA program – there are many MBA programs throughout the world, but UCLA is where I want to be. I have prepared myself for an MBA as well as I know how. I have invested in myself by enrolling in a GMAT prep course, and I have purchased GMAT books and software. Despite my diligence, I did not score well on the actual GMAT exam. Dissatisfied with my results, I devised a new preparation strategy and took numerous practice tests. Even with this effort, I was unable to raise my score. Thus, I determined that it would not be in my best interest to retake the GMAT exam.

I understand the critical role that the GMAT plays as a part of an MBA applicant's portfolio. However, my result on the exam does not accurately indicate how I will perform in your MBA core curriculum and program. My undergraduate performances in courses very similar to your core curriculum accurately represent my capabilities (e.g. accounting, finance, leadership, and several marketing courses).

In the last year, I have committed myself to an excess of 30 hours a week toward my application and the GMAT. I have sought out and maximized every opportunity I could find in order to develop myself into the kind of candidate who will learn from and contribute to the UCLA MBA program. I have kept myself on an upward professional track and have worked diligently to become qualified for the opportunity to attend UCLA. If given the opportunity, I will contribute my maturity, creativity, international perspective, and my unique professional background to the UCLA MBA community.