mansoureh: Hi, can someone do me a favor to look over my essay?

have a problem is that I uasually ask my friend to correct my essay, and he is very kind. However, he is not a native speaker, so some suggetions he give me I don't agree. I hope that someone can give me the different suggetions. Thank you:)
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The telephone has greater influence on people’s lives than television has. Personally, I agree with the statement that the telephone has greater influence on peoples life.
In today’s world, communication devices have a great influence on peoples' lives. In fact, these communication technologies achieved to create a virtual relationship between humans. Meanwhile Television and Telephone have a more considerable role than the others. From my vantage point , I contend that in spite of the fact that television plays a critical role in families life, the telephone’s importance is greater.
To start out with, the telephone is a beneficial communication source to keep in contact with friends and relatives around the world. In today’s world, staying without getting in touch with friends and family members could be a very challenging matter especially when living in a different country than the home country. For Instance, I am now living in London for study purposes and I have to make a phone call to my parents every week. As far as I concerned, without telephone, being in contact with my family is approximately impossible.
Moreover, the telephone is a durable visual medium which can provide a communication based on images, pictures and sounds for the people around the world. As a case in point, I am far from my parents most of times as a result they always wish to see me in a picture to be conscious of my current physical status, and offer me necessary guidance which can obtain effortlessly with my cell phone.
Last but not the least, In today’s busy world, people have to spend most of their time not only on earning for their lives bust also on bringing up their children. As a result it is difficult to stay connected with them all the time and It is possible to not being able to make a connection with them instantly. At this time text messages from the mobile phone can be a valuable solution, that messages can be viewed later on when having time. As a personal experience, when I need to communicate with my sister, who is doing PhD form America in computer science, I send a text message to her cell phone.
To wrap it up, I put my pen down reiterating that the telephone is a worthwhile medium to allow people to make connect with each other with minimal cost and effort. Furthermore, With the help of modern technology, Telephone can even provide both visual and written communication which is so advantageous for those are far from their home. These points lead me to personally agree that the telephone has an enormous influence on people’s life.