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Sweety_anir Posted 21 years ago
make this poetry to be beautiful
Silence moon and hearing world
Many hearings know what is deaf.
Because they can see deaf.
Many hearings don’t know about deaf.
Because they never go to deaf.
They can’t afford to pay time
to visit moon.
Because they feel deaf is like moon.
They feel moon is minority.
They can see moon as deaf
But never go there.
They think the moon is not valuable
So the moon is always
Separating from the hearing world.
But they wonder that moon seems to be shine and smile
toward the hearing world.
The hearing is busy and can’t see deaf
For light day the world is busy
and no moon appears.
But if the hearing give time to think about deaf,
Moon will appear to them. It can cause
them feel interested to know more about it.
If they keep moving close to the moon,
They will draw close to deaf.
If they land to the moon,
They will become the part of the deaf.
When one reached there, he doesn’t hear any sound.
It seems to be peaceful.
No word wave over there and here.
People born in the moon.
They are always cheerful.
They are laughing.
They are very expressive.
Their hands are very busy.
Their eyes are observing and noticing at any movements.
If there is no sound, how can
those emotions come out.
He feels as if its miracle.
Their moving body is language that
the deaf can understand though ear and mouth are closed.
So we realize heart never depend on sound.
Senses can depend on heart.
Ear is closed
And eye gives us chance to have
emotions.
For hearing, mouth to ear to heart
Yes for deaf hands to eyes to heart.
We realize heart is not only important for
hearings but also deaf.
The deaf can be equal to
The hearing. When he came back to the
Hearing world, he told that he enjoyed associating with
deaf
The hearing asked him
about it and want to know how was it.
He replied to them that one reason they
never step into the moon!
Everyone wants to learn sign language
But they never step to do it.
The moon is little but it can give the world a
little light.
Similar way the deaf is minority but it can give
hearing people little smile.
Many hearings know what is deaf.
Because they can see deaf.
Many hearings don’t know about deaf.
Because they never go to deaf.
They can’t afford to pay time
to visit moon.
Because they feel deaf is like moon.
They feel moon is minority.
They can see moon as deaf
But never go there.
They think the moon is not valuable
So the moon is always
Separating from the hearing world.
But they wonder that moon seems to be shine and smile
toward the hearing world.
The hearing is busy and can’t see deaf
For light day the world is busy
and no moon appears.
But if the hearing give time to think about deaf,
Moon will appear to them. It can cause
them feel interested to know more about it.
If they keep moving close to the moon,
They will draw close to deaf.
If they land to the moon,
They will become the part of the deaf.
When one reached there, he doesn’t hear any sound.
It seems to be peaceful.
No word wave over there and here.
People born in the moon.
They are always cheerful.
They are laughing.
They are very expressive.
Their hands are very busy.
Their eyes are observing and noticing at any movements.
If there is no sound, how can
those emotions come out.
He feels as if its miracle.
Their moving body is language that
the deaf can understand though ear and mouth are closed.
So we realize heart never depend on sound.
Senses can depend on heart.
Ear is closed
And eye gives us chance to have
emotions.
For hearing, mouth to ear to heart
Yes for deaf hands to eyes to heart.
We realize heart is not only important for
hearings but also deaf.
The deaf can be equal to
The hearing. When he came back to the
Hearing world, he told that he enjoyed associating with
deaf
The hearing asked him
about it and want to know how was it.
He replied to them that one reason they
never step into the moon!
Everyone wants to learn sign language
But they never step to do it.
The moon is little but it can give the world a
little light.
Similar way the deaf is minority but it can give
hearing people little smile.
Top answer
Your basic idea of comparing the deaf with the moon is good, but your piece is too long and it wanders-- especially later, it is no longer poetry, but just sentences of an essay. The first thing to do is to distill your poem down to the best 10 or 12 lines and throw the rest away.
- Your basic idea of comparing the deaf with the moon is good, but your piece is too long and it wanders-- especially later, it is no longer poetry, but just sentences of an essay.
- The first thing to do is to distill your poem down to the best 10 or 12 lines and throw the rest away.
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3 Answers
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Your basic idea of comparing the deaf with the moon is good, but your piece is too long and it wanders-- especially later, it is no longer poetry, but just sentences of an essay. The first thing to do is to distill your poem down to the best 10 or 12 lines and throw the rest away.
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I agree with MrMicawber here. The poem is worth something if you can do some serious refining and editing.
Here is an old tale, from Sufism, that I thought of while reading your post:
A man walks into a bar and shouts, "The moon is greater than the sun!" Everyone turns and looks at him, puzzled. "Why is that?" someone yells out. The man pauses, making sure he has everyone's at
Here is an old tale, from Sufism, that I thought of while reading your post:
A man walks into a bar and shouts, "The moon is greater than the sun!" Everyone turns and looks at him, puzzled. "Why is that?" someone yells out. The man pauses, making sure he has everyone's at
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Hello Sweety
I wonder whether it would gain by being a little more moon-like; the moon is an interesting analogy, but these lines (for example) are perhaps too explicit:
______________________________
They feel moon is minority.
They can see moon as deaf
But never go there.
They think the moon is not valuable
So the moon is a
I wonder whether it would gain by being a little more moon-like; the moon is an interesting analogy, but these lines (for example) are perhaps too explicit:
______________________________
They feel moon is minority.
They can see moon as deaf
But never go there.
They think the moon is not valuable
So the moon is a
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