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Anonymous Posted 15 years ago
Grammar

Long sentences

Hello,

I was told by a native speaker that my English sentences are long and that I should break them up. I tried to shorten them by removing the last phrase in one of them. Could you tell me please if they are correct now?

1.We are raffling two cars, a yacht, two flats, a house, and a/the super prize now; a share in a prospering commercial enterprise. (and you may win one of these prizes) (I decided to remove this part, as I thought that it repeats the main idea. If they are raffling those prizes anyone may or may not win them, so I don't have to mention it at all. Am I right?)

2.We are having a lottery now. You may win either of our prizes including one of two cars and flats, a house, a yacht, and a super prize a share in a prospering commercial enterprise.( I thought that I can't remove anything from here.)











  

Top answer

I see nothing wrong with the length of any of your sentences. They are quite normal as single statements. What you can do (and I have done for you below) is edit for shorter and more direct phrasing within them.

— Mister Micawber

  • I see nothing wrong with the length of any of your sentences.
  • They are quite normal as single statements.
  • What you can do (and I have done for you below) is edit for shorter and more direct phrasing within them.
  • I have also used m-dashes because the statements seem to be informal advertising material.
  • We are now raffling off two cars, a yacht, two flats, a house, and the grand prize – a share in a prospering commercial enterprise – and you may win one of these prizes !
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6 Answers
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I see nothing wrong with the length of any of your sentences. They are quite normal as single statements. What you can do (and I have done for you below) is edit for shorter and more direct phrasing within them. I have also used m-dashes because the statements seem to be informal advertising material.


1.We are now raffling off two cars, a yacht, two flats, a
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Hello,

Thank you very much. I just forgot to use quotes. As it is not a promotional statement would you still leave it or not?
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Hello, ninania. I'm afraid that it is a promotional statement by its very content, whether you like it or not, just as 'Will you marry me, my darling?' remains a proposal of marriage even if I am talking to an alligator.
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Oh, sorry I must have misunderstood its meaning. I thought it means a statement that is made in an advertisement.
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No, just a passage that is promoting something to the public. Advertisements are an example of such.
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