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Heimdall Posted 21 years ago
Like a Book (Will be used to apply for scholarship! Please help!)
Well, as the title says, I'm going to be using this poem to apply for a scholarship. For details see this site: http://www.heardthewordpoetry.com/scholarship
I applied for it this summer with a very traditional poem, complete with uniform syllables and rhymings and what not. I wrote that before I read the works by previous winners, which were, well... let's say extremely modern...
So this time I wrote a modern poem to try my luck again. I have basically no experience in writing poems, so any comments and suggestions will be welcomed! Thanks!
And this is my first time posting on Englishforum.com! Hi everyone!
Like A Book
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
Like pages of a neglected book by the window
Being read by the wind.
You locks cling to your forehead under the rain,
Like delicate ink letters cling to the paper
With stubborn endearment.
Your hair is like a book.
When the sun makes you blink,
Your eyelids fall and your lashes cast shadows on your face,
Like loosening my thumb just so
To let just one page out of a hundred under my finger to fall,
With a gentle whisper,
To cast shadows on the previous page.
Your eyes are like a book.
When I lay my hand on your skin,
It warms up and dampens under my fingers,
Like laying my hand on a page
As it warms and dampens under my fingers.
Your skin is like a book.
When I stand two feet away from you,
You smell like chocolate, sweet and delicious.
When I stand one foot away from you,
You smell like steel, unyielding and intelligent.
Your scent is like a book.
You fall asleep in that worn armchair,
Coiled up and ruffled,
Like a well-read book, closed and left behind.
You wake up in that worn armchair,
Unsuspecting yet ready,
Like a well-read book, picked up, opened, and read again.
You sleep and wake like a book.
You are quiet,
Yet you say so much.
You look thin,
Yet you are so layered.
You are like a book.
_____________
I applied for it this summer with a very traditional poem, complete with uniform syllables and rhymings and what not. I wrote that before I read the works by previous winners, which were, well... let's say extremely modern...
So this time I wrote a modern poem to try my luck again. I have basically no experience in writing poems, so any comments and suggestions will be welcomed! Thanks!
And this is my first time posting on Englishforum.com! Hi everyone!
Like A Book
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
Like pages of a neglected book by the window
Being read by the wind.
You locks cling to your forehead under the rain,
Like delicate ink letters cling to the paper
With stubborn endearment.
Your hair is like a book.
When the sun makes you blink,
Your eyelids fall and your lashes cast shadows on your face,
Like loosening my thumb just so
To let just one page out of a hundred under my finger to fall,
With a gentle whisper,
To cast shadows on the previous page.
Your eyes are like a book.
When I lay my hand on your skin,
It warms up and dampens under my fingers,
Like laying my hand on a page
As it warms and dampens under my fingers.
Your skin is like a book.
When I stand two feet away from you,
You smell like chocolate, sweet and delicious.
When I stand one foot away from you,
You smell like steel, unyielding and intelligent.
Your scent is like a book.
You fall asleep in that worn armchair,
Coiled up and ruffled,
Like a well-read book, closed and left behind.
You wake up in that worn armchair,
Unsuspecting yet ready,
Like a well-read book, picked up, opened, and read again.
You sleep and wake like a book.
You are quiet,
Yet you say so much.
You look thin,
Yet you are so layered.
You are like a book.
_____________
Top answer
Not bad. I would keep the title but eliminate all the repetitive '_ ___ like a book ' lines between the stanzas: they are too obvious, and if the reader does not get it from the stanzas themselves, you have failed anyway. Chocolate and steel have nothing to do with the book motif.
- Not bad.
- I would keep the title but eliminate all the repetitive '_ ___ like a book ' lines between the stanzas: they are too obvious, and if the reader does not get it from the stanzas themselves, you have failed anyway.
- Chocolate and steel have nothing to do with the book motif.
- That stanza should be deleted or radically modified.
- I am not sure I like the brief quatrain at the end.
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8 Answers
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Not bad.
I would keep the title but eliminate all the repetitive '____ like a book' lines between the stanzas: they are too obvious, and if the reader does not get it from the stanzas themselves, you have failed anyway.
Chocolate and steel have nothing to do with the book motif. That stanza should be deleted or radically modified.
I
I would keep the title but eliminate all the repetitive '____ like a book' lines between the stanzas: they are too obvious, and if the reader does not get it from the stanzas themselves, you have failed anyway.
Chocolate and steel have nothing to do with the book motif. That stanza should be deleted or radically modified.
I
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Thank you for the comments!
I didn't realize the last stanza was that stabbing, now that you mentioned it, it does make the whole poem seems pointless... Maybe it'll make a good epitaph someday...
Edited now, hopfully the last stanza is more subtle?
_____
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
Like pages of a neglected boo
I didn't realize the last stanza was that stabbing, now that you mentioned it, it does make the whole poem seems pointless... Maybe it'll make a good epitaph someday...
Edited now, hopfully the last stanza is more subtle?
_____
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
Like pages of a neglected boo
00
Much better, Heimdall-- I like it. (Of course, I am only a single critic, and one who adores both women and books, so I hope another member will offer comment as well.) The 4th line should read your, not you, I suspect.
Three things:
(1) In the 4th line, 2nd stanza, the verb phrase would better be to let fall (no second to-- let to
Three things:
(1) In the 4th line, 2nd stanza, the verb phrase would better be to let fall (no second to-- let to
00
Thank you for all the help! It's great to have supportive and contructive comments as a new poet!
I'll post on the newest edition, just in case there's other comments coming.
Once again, thank you Mister Micawber!
Like a Book
__________
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
like pages of a neglected book by the
I'll post on the newest edition, just in case there's other comments coming.
Once again, thank you Mister Micawber!
Like a Book
__________
You are like a book.
Your locks toss and flip in the wind,
like pages of a neglected book by the
00
This is a good poem. A few suggestions to help you. Maybe you can try to eliminate the 'like' word in all the lines and directly use metaphors which would make it a more interesting poem.You can start with 'You are a book'.
And maybe you can chage the title also to 'A book'.And maybe you could do some changes with this stanza below as this is the only one which rhymes and hence sounds od
And maybe you can chage the title also to 'A book'.And maybe you could do some changes with this stanza below as this is the only one which rhymes and hence sounds od
00
Thank you for commenting!
Hmm, I didn't realize how odd that stanza sounded before you pointed out, and it sounds a bit repetitive too. Does this sound better? Or is it too wordy?
When I lay my hand on your skin,
it flushes and moistens under my fingers
form my unwavering attention,
like laying my hand on a page of a book
as it warms
Hmm, I didn't realize how odd that stanza sounded before you pointed out, and it sounds a bit repetitive too. Does this sound better? Or is it too wordy?
When I lay my hand on your skin,
it flushes and moistens under my fingers
form my unwavering attention,
like laying my hand on a page of a book
as it warms
00
g'day heimdall
i was blown away when i first realised that don maclean had changed a word in the refrain of american pie in order to tell a story within a story and i suggest that you adopt this approach with your line
you are like a book
your hair is from a book
you eyes are to a book
you skin touches a book
your scent is about a book
i was blown away when i first realised that don maclean had changed a word in the refrain of american pie in order to tell a story within a story and i suggest that you adopt this approach with your line
you are like a book
your hair is from a book
you eyes are to a book
you skin touches a book
your scent is about a book
00
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