Letter of motivation! please help me!

Question

HeyI'm applying for a canadian university. Please can you have a look on my letter of motivation..THANKS!Dear Sir or Madam,I hereby wish to state my interest for a place in the exchange program of primary education, that you have with the Pädagogischen Hochschule Zürich (PHZH), in Switzerland.I believe that no education is complete without experience. As I adhere to this convincement in my class, providing my pupils many situations in which they can experience themselves, language, art, math and so on, I am also willing to broaden my learning and acquire new knowledge by making experiences in a different culture environment. In the next paragraphs I will explain why this exchange must be, indeed, a truly unique chance.I have now completed my third semester in primary education at the PHZH. I have learned a lot about developmental psychology, theories of education and different methods. I extended this knowledge with practical experience in a first grade and six grade class.Besides my studies I am working as a auxiliary teacher in a private bilingual (German/English) Montessori School ones a week.Before I started with my studies in the PHZH, I worked during five months in a School for children with special needs. Since this time I am very interested in special education and knowing that in Canada the integration of children with special needs is established for quite some time, it would be great to see how the integration has developed and is working in Canada. Especially because the integration in regular schools in Switzerland is in the early stages of development and I achieve to work once in this field. I know from reports of former students who visited your university, that the courses you provide in this subject are very instructive, and that is one reason why I am applying for your university.The bilingualism and Canada's ethnic diversity is also attracting me. Knowing that Switzerland also has different official languages and that in cities like Zürich you often have classes with high heterogeneity referring to ethnical belongings, I would like to make comparisons, take back home what I learned and maybe seed some ideas in Canada.In addition to this new professional competences I would develop in Canada and the improvement of my good command of English; studying abroad will help to make decisions for myself, develop my own opinions and build up myself as a person. It will improve my self-confidence and communication skills. I'll become more experienced in dealing with people of different backgrounds and perhaps with different beliefs and values. This will help me to work in my homeland but also on the international level, like working abroad.Concluding and relating to the belief in "that no education is complete without experience", going on an exchange is not a one-sided process. It is not only about obtaining new experiences yourself; it is also about sharing your experiences with others. I am very keen on giving my future fellow students an insight into my culture to let them profit from my presence. I am also very keen on satisfying the exchange institution as well as the PHZH. I am determined to show high commitment and to make use of my ability to easily relate to people and quickly adapt to new surroundings.Yours sencerly,

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

A few quick comments:

Please ensure that you have spaces between your paragraphs. You might find that placing a dummy phrase into the text box before you paste your text helps. You can then erase your dummy phrase.
You are trying to sound scholary or academic or both. Instead, it sounds stilted. Try writing in a direct straight forward manner.
This might be your first or one of your earlier drafts where you wrote for yourself. You need to reflect upon it and fine tune it.
Don't use contractions in formal writing. Instead, write it out the long way. That is, don't becomes do not.
If you haven't already, please see this following thread:
You definitely have the intelligence and sufficient skill in English to write your letter. You just need to put more effort into rewriting it. After you rewrite it, read it out loud. If it sounds awkward, change it.
I look forward to seeing your future versions.

Dear Sir or Madam,

~~I hereby wish to state my interest for a place in the exchange program of primary education, that you have with the Pädagogischen Hochschule Zürich (PHZH), in Switzerland.~~

This isn't a proclamation. There is merely a letter to request placement in the exchange program.

I wish to attend the faculty of w of xyz University as part of its exchange program with Pädagogischen Hochschule Zürich (PHZH), in Switzerland. (That's what you mean to say, isn't it?)

I believe that no education is complete without experience. As I adhere to this convincement (What's that?) in my class, providing my pupils many situations in which they can experience themselves, language, art, math and so on, (The prior part of the sentence makes no sense. Moreover, whenever I see "etc." or "and so on," I immediately know that writer has fully exhausted her intelligence and has nothing more to offer. That isn't true in your case, is it?) I am also willing to broaden my learning and acquire new knowledge by making experiences (making experiences sounds awkward to me...creating experiences sounds better, but it still doesn't work in this sentence) in a different culture environment. (wordy and obtuse) In the next paragraphs I will explain why this exchange must be, indeed, a truly unique chance.

I ~~have now~~ completed my third semester in primary education at the PHZH. I have learned a lot about developmental psychology, theories of education and different methods. I extended this knowledge with practical experience in a first grade and six grade class.Besides my studies I am working as a auxiliary teacher in a private bilingual (German/English) Montessori School ones (once?) a week.

Before I started with my studies in the PHZH, I worked ~~during~~ for five months in a School for children with special needs. Since this time I am very interested in special education and knowing that in Canada the integration of children with special needs is established for quite some time, it would be great to see how the integration has developed and is working in Canada. (need to rework prior sentence) Especially because the integration in regular schools in Switzerland is in the early stages of development and I achieve to work once in this field. I know from reports of former students who visited your university, that the courses you provide in this subject are very instructive, and that is one reason why I am applying for your university. (This whole paragraph needs work.)

The bilingualism and Canada's ethnic diversity is also attracting me. Knowing that Switzerland also has different official languages and that in cities like Zürich you often have classes with high heterogeneity referring to ethnical belongings, I would like to make comparisons, take back home what I learned and maybe seed some ideas in Canada.

I am attracted to Canada because of its (historical? I'd probably drop historical) ethnic diversity and bilingualism. Because Switzerland also has a diverse population with different backgrounds and has two (?) official languages, I want to compare and contrast the differences between the two countries' cultures, societies, and educational systems. I hope to share with my fellow Canadian classmates what I have learned in Switzerland, and, when I return home, share with my fellow Swiss classmates what I have learned and experienced in Canada.

I redid your prior paragraph. Although it is longer (usually a bad thing), I think it is cleaner, more eloquent, and more focused. I also think it expresses your thoughts better, even though I am not you. What do you think?

I am stopping here.

In addition to this new professional competences I would develop in Canada and the improvement of my good command of English; studying abroad will help to make decisions for myself, develop my own opinions and build up myself as a person. It will improve my self-confidence and communication skills. I'll become more experienced in dealing with people of different backgrounds and perhaps with different beliefs and values. This will help me to work in my homeland but also on the international level, like working abroad.Concluding and relating to the belief in "that no education is complete without experience", going on an exchange is not a one-sided process. It is not only about obtaining new experiences yourself; it is also about sharing your experiences with others.

I am very keen on giving my future fellow students an insight into my culture to let them profit from my presence. I am also very keen on satisfying the exchange institution as well as the PHZH. I am determined to show high commitment and to make use of my ability to easily relate to people and quickly adapt to new surroundings.

Yours sencerly,

Anonymous · Answer

first of all, thank you for taking the time toread my letter and write a comment.

Here my reworked letter of motivation:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to attend the faculty of Education of British Columbia University as part of its exchange program with Pädagogischen Hochschule Zürich (PHZH), in Switzerland.

I believe that no education is complete without experience. I try to implement this belief in my class, providing my pupils many situations in which they can experience themselves, language, art, math and their environment. Learning through experiences is not only a great chance for my pupils. I am, as well willing to broaden my learning and acquire new knowledge by collecting experiences in a different culture environment.

In the next paragraphs I will explain why this exchange must be, indeed, a truly unique chance to do this.

I completed my third semester in primary education at the PHZH. I have learned a lot about developmental psychology, theories of education and different methods. I extended this knowledge with practical experience in a first grade and six grade class. Besides my studies I am working as a auxiliary teacher in a private bilingual (German/English) Montessori School once a week.

Before I started with my studies in the PHZH, I worked for five months in a School for children with special needs as an intern. Since this internship I am very interested in special education. The integration of children with special needs is established for quite some time in Canada, so it would be great to see how the integration has developed and is working in Canada. Especially because the integration in regular schools in Switzerland is in the early stages of development and I achieve to work once in this field. And as I know from reports of former students, who visited your university, the courses you provide in this subject are very instructive, and that is one reason why I am applying for your university.

I am attracted to Canada because of its ethnic diversity and bilingualism. Because Switzerland also has a diverse population with different backgrounds and has four official languages, I want to compare and contrast the differences between the two countries, cultures, societies, and educational systems. And get so, a differentiated view on how similar situations can be worked out in varied ways.

Studying abroad will help to develop my own opinions and build up myself as a person. It will improve my self-confidence, communication and English skills. I will become more experienced in dealing with people of different backgrounds and perhaps with different beliefs and values.

Concluding and relating to the belief in "no education is complete without experience" at the beginning; going on an exchange is not a one-sided process. It is not only about obtaining new experiences myself; it is also about sharing your experiences with others. I am very keen on giving my future fellow students an insight into my culture to let them profit from my presence. I am also very keen on satisfying the exchange institution as well as the PHZH. I am determined to show high commitment and to make use of my ability to easily relate to people and quickly adapt to new surroundings.

Yours sencerly,

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I wish to attend the faculty of Education of British Columbia University as
part of its exchange program with Pädagogischen Hochschule Zürich (PHZH), in
Switzerland.

I believe that no education is complete without experience. I try to implement
~~this~~ my belief in my class by, providing my pupils with many situations ~~in which~~ where they can
experience ~~themselves~~, language, art, math and their environment (sentence doesn't read well. You have language, art, and math -- all subjects, and then you include environment, a non-subject. How does learning differ from experiencing?). Learning through experiences is not only a great chance for my pupils, but is also what?. (When you write "not only" then you need its corresponding "but also.") I am, as well, ~~willing~~ wanting to broaden my horizons by learning new knowledge in a foreign land where I can experience a different culture too. ~~learning and acquire new knowledge by collecting experiences in a different culture environment.~~ In
the next paragraphs I will explain why this exchange must be, indeed, a truly unique chance to do this. (not so keen on this sentence. I would throw it away.)

I completed my third semester in primary education at the PHZH. I have learned a lot about
developmental psychology, theories of education and different methods. I extended this knowledge with practical experience in a first grade and six grade class. Besides my studies I am working as a auxiliary teacher in a private bilingual (German/English) Montessori School once a week. (Me, I dislike "learned a lot" because it is vague. To me, that means you learned nothing. Which I am sure is not true. Instead, how about something like, While I learned about x, y, and z, what I learned most was W. I found this fascinating because... Moreover, I was able to apply this knowledge in a practical setting...blah blah blah.)

Before I started with my studies in the PHZH, I worked for five months in a School for
children with special needs as an intern. Since this internship I am very interested in special education. The integration of children with special needs is established for quite some time in Canada, so it would be great to see how the integration has developed and is working in Canada. Especially because the integration in regular schools in Switzerland is in the early stages of development and I achieve to work once in this field. And as I know from
reports of former students, who visited your university, the courses you provide in this subject are very instructive, and that is one reasons why I am applying for your university.

(I think you are missing a great opportunity to discuss the real you. Surely those children touched your heart, no? Tell the university about that. Tell how teaching those children taught you about you. And, then tell them why you are motivated to come to Canada.)

I am attracted to Canada because of its ethnic diversity and bilingualism. (Weren't you interested in Canada because of "...the courses you provide in this subject are very instructive, and that is one reasons why I am applying for your university.) Because Switzerland also has a diverse population with different backgrounds and has four official languages, I want to compare and contrast the differences between the two countries, especially concerning cultures, societies, and educational systems. And get so, a differentiated view on how similar situations can be worked out in varied ways. (Something got lost in translation. I don't understand your last sentence.)

Studying abroad will help to develop my own opinions and build up myself as a
person. By studying abroad, I will become more knowledgeable and have more informed opinions, both of which will make me a better and more complete person. It will improve my self-confidence, communication and English skills. I will gain more self-confidence with my English and general communication skills. Moreover, I will become more experienced in dealing with people of from different backgrounds with different ~~and perhaps with different~~ beliefs and values.

Concluding and relating to the belief in "no education is complete without
experience" at the beginning; going on an exchange is not a one-sided
process. It is not only about obtaining new experiences myself; it is also
about sharing your experiences with others. I am very keen on giving my future
fellow students an insight into my culture to let them profit from my presence.
I am also very keen on satisfying the exchange institution as well as the PHZH.
I am determined to show high commitment and to make use of my ability to easily
relate to people and quickly adapt to new surroundings. (You need to work on this paragraph too. It sounds rough. But leave it for last. Get the other paragraphs flowing more smoothly first.)

Yours sincerely ~~sencerly~~,

Letter of motivation! please help me!

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