Letter of Motivation

Question

I need help to improve my letter of motivation for DAAD Application. I would really appreciate if anyone can provide me with constructive critiques on the below letter of motivation:

Since I was a child, I have been dealing with my family’s poverty. Our financial problems got intense when I started my high school. It was very difficult for me as a high school student to see almost every one of my peers could afford to buy a snack during school time and have what they need for their studies but I couldn’t. While having these concerns in mind, I had to think about a bigger plan in order to support my family and meanwhile get admission for my bachelor degree to a good university. After passing a competitive mathematics and English exam, American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) rewarded me with a full scholarship to pursue my bachelor degree. I had to struggle with another obstacle, my dad’s accident which resulted in his paralysis, at the very first semester. Before starting my semester, I had to search for a job which could enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and they are in need of someone who can extend a helping hand toward them and make their life easier.

At the very first semester, I got a part-time job to support my family. Meanwhile, my friend and I were able to establish a community service club at the university through which we could raise fund for helping poor children who were working on the streets and were not able to attend school due to financial difficulties. Later on, I got a full time job in an NGO where we could help a greater range of poor people by implementing educational and community development projects as well as legal awareness for women and children about their rights. I was really proud of my contribution to the development of the community regardless how small it was. More than two years working with poor people and implementing community development projects funded by different embassies and ministries made me realize that I need to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of people’s life.

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher to contribute to the growth and development of economy. I believe a combination of my four-year bachelor degree in finance and more than four years’ professional experience in finance and development projects has made me capable and keen to pursue my master degree in economics as a result I become a substantial contributor to the development and growth of economy of people. As a program manager and assistant finance manager who has been in the process of developing and implementing of different development projects, I came to realize what factors can secure a sustainable economic development in the life of people. My dream of a developed and sustainable economy in order to be fulfilled, I need to be part of the system and make policy and strategy on a national level.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany will broaden my horizons and give me an opportunity to gain high quality education; it will also enable me to become an excellent and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development and economic growth. Therefore, I feel obliged to be able to secure admission in one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science Program in Economics. I am sure that I will demonstrate all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards at my admitted university.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Since I was a child, I have been dealing with the issue of my family’s poverty. Our financial problems ~~got~~ intensified when I started my high school. It was very difficult for me as a high-school student to see almost every one of my peers ~~could~~ able to afford to buy a snack during school time and have what they needed for their studies ~~but~~ when I couldn’t. ~~While having these concerns in mind,~~ At the same time, I had to think about ~~a bigger plan~~ what to do in order to support my family and, meanwhile, get admission ~~for my bachelor degree~~ into a good university. After passing a competitive mathematics and English exam, the American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) re awarded me with a full scholarship to pursue my bachelor's degree. I had to struggle with another issue, ~~obstacle,~~ which was my dad’s accident which resulted in his paralysis, ~~at the~~ in my very first semester. Before starting my university studies, ~~semester,~~ I had to search for a job which could enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and ~~they~~ are also in need of someone who can extend a helping hand toward them and make their life easier.

~~At the very first semester,~~Thus, I got a part-time job to support my family. Meanwhile, my friend and I were able to establish a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and were not able to attend school due to financial difficulties. Later on, I got a full-time job in an NGO where we could help a greater range of poor people by implementing educational and community development projects as well as raising legal awareness for women and children about their rights. I was really proud of my contribution to the development of the community regardless of how small it was. Working for more than two years ~~working~~ with poor people and implementing community development projects funded by different embassies and ministries made me realize that I needed to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of people’s lives. ~~life.~~

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher to contribute to the growth and development of the economy of my country. I believe a combination of my four-year bachelor's degree in finance and more than four years’ professional experience in finance and development projects has made me capable and keen to pursue my master's degree in economics as a result I become a substantial contributor to the development and growth of economy of people. As a program manager and assistant finance manager who has been involved in the process of developing and implementing of different development projects, I came to realize what factors can secure sustainable economic development in a society. ~~the life of people.~~ In order to fulfill my dream of a developed and sustainable economy, ~~in order to be fulfilled,~~ I need to be part of the system and make policy and strategy on a national level.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany will broaden my horizons and give me ~~an opportunity to gain~~ a high-quality education; it will also enable me to become an excellent and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development and economic growth. Therefore, I ~~feel~~ would be highly obliged to be able to secure admission into one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science Program in Economics at (UNIVERSITY NAME). I am sure that I will ~~demonstrate all the credentials~~ succeed and will be able to maintain high standards at ~~my admitted~~ the university.

I have no idea what the highlighted part means; delete it if it's not absolutely necessary.

Anonymous · Answer

Dear teechr,

First of all, thanks a lot for your important suggestions. I have brought your suggested changes. However, I also want to know whether it is cohesive, introduction and body paragraphs are well detailed, and the conclusion is complete or not.

Since I was a child, I have been dealing with the issue of my family’s poverty. Our financial problems intensified when I started my high school. It was very difficult for me as a high school student to see almost every one of my peers were able to afford to buy a snack during school time and have what they needed for their studies when I couldn’t. At the same time, I had to think about what to do in order to support my family and meanwhile get admission into a good university. After passing a competitive mathematics and English exam, the American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) awarded me with a full scholarship to pursue my bachelor’s degree. I had to struggle with another issue, which was my dad’s accident which resulted in his paralysis, in my very first semester. Before starting my university studies, I had to search for a job which could enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and are also in need of someone who can extend a helping hand toward them and make their life easier.

Thus, I got a part-time job to support my family. Meanwhile, my friend and I were able to establish a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and were not able to attend school due to financial difficulties. Later on, I got a full-time job in an NGO where we could help a greater range of poor people by implementing educational and community development projects as well as raising legal awareness for women and children about their rights. I was really proud of my contribution to the development of the community regardless of how small it was. Working for more than two years with poor people and implementing community development projects funded by different embassies and ministries made me realize that I needed to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of people’s lives.

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher to contribute to the growth and development of the economy of my country. I believe a combination of my four-year bachelor’s degree in finance and more than four years’ professional experience in finance and development projects has made me capable and keen to pursue my master’s degree in economics. As a program manager and assistant finance manager who has been involved in the process of developing and implementing different development projects, I came to realize what factors can secure sustainable economic development in a society. In order to fulfill my dream of a developed and sustainable economy, I need to be part of the system and make policy and strategy on a national level.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany will broaden my horizons and give me a high-quality education; it will also enable me to become an excellent and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development and economic growth. Therefore, I would be highly obliged to be able to secure admission into one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science program in Economics. I am sure that I will succeed and will be able to maintain high standards at the university.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It's a bit long and repetitive. Try to make it shorter while keeping all the main ideas. Here are some suggestions to remove the excess repetition.

Since I was a child, I have been dealing with the issue of my family’s poverty. Our financial problems intensified when I started my high school. It was very difficult for me as a high school student to see almost every one of my peers being ~~were~~ able to afford to buy a snacks ~~during school time~~ and things ~~what~~ they needed for their studies when I couldn’t. ~~At the same time,~~ I also had to think about how I could ~~what to do in order~~ to support my family and ~~meanwhile~~ get admission into a good university. After passing a competitive mathematics and English exam (dangling modifier - bad grammar), the American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) awarded me with a full scholarship to pursue my bachelor’s degree. ~~I had to struggle with another issue, which was~~ But in my very first semester my dad’ had an accident which resulted in his paralysis~~, Before starting my university studies,~~ So I had to ~~search for~~ get a job which would enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and ~~are also in~~ need of someone who can extend a helping hand ~~toward them and make their life easier~~.

Thus, ~~I got a part-time job to support my family.~~ I worked part-time while attending university. Besides school and work, ~~Meanwhile,~~ my friend and I ~~were able to~~ established a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and ~~were~~ not able to attend school ~~due to financial difficulties~~. ~~Later on~~, After graduation I got a full-time job in an NGO ~~where we could~~ helped a greater range of poor people by implementing educational and community development projects as well as raising ~~legal~~ awareness for women and children ~~about~~ as to their rights. I was really proud of my contribution to the development of the community, but ~~regardless of how small it was~~. after working there as a program manager and assistant finance manager for more than two years ~~with poor people and implementing community development projects funded by different embassies and ministries made me~~ I realized that I needed to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of people’s lives.

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher continuing to contribute to the growth and development of the economy of my country. I believe a combination of my four-year bachelor’s degree in finance and more than four years’ professional experience ~~in finance and development projects has made me capable and keen~~ fully qualifies me to pursue my master’s degree in economics. ~~As a program manager and assistant finance manager who has been involved in the process of developing and implementing different development projects,~~ I ~~came to realize~~ understand what factors can secure sustainable economic development in a society. But in order to fulfill my dream of a developed and sustainable economy, I need to be part of the system and make policy and strategy on a national level.

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks for the suggestions and I did apply them. I made some improvement. Don't you think I need some more detail in my third paragraph? I did my BBA in finance and now I am applying for MSc. in Economics. What are some of the possible suggestions for me to relate my work experience and four year degree to be qualified in applying in MSc. in Economics. Please also check the highlighted area to see how I manipulated them.

Since I was a child, I have been dealing with the issue of my family’s poverty. Our financial problems intensified when I started high school. It was very difficult for me as a high school student to see almost every one of my peers being able to afford to buy snacks and things they needed for their studies when I couldn’t. I also had to think about how I could support my family and get admission into a good university. The American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) awarded me with a full scholarship on merit-basis to pursue my bachelor’s degree. But in my very first semester, my dad had an accident which resulted in his paralysis so I had to get a job which would enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and need someone who can extend a helping hand.

Thus, I worked part-time while attending university. Besides school and work, my friend and I established a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and not able to attend school. Afterward, I got a full-time job in an NGO helped a greater range of poor people by implementing educational and community development projects as well as raising awareness for women as to their rights. As a senior student, I began my professional work in finance. I was really proud of my contribution to the development of the community, but after working for more than four years, I realized that I needed to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of poor people’s lives.

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher continuing to contribute to the growth and development of the economy of my country. I believe a combination of my four-year bachelor’s degree in finance and more than four years’ professional experience fully qualifies me to pursue my master’s degree in economics. I understand what factors can secure sustainable economic development in a society. But in order to fulfill my dream of a developed and sustainable economy, I need to be part of the system and make policy and strategy on a national level.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany will broaden my horizons and give me a high-quality education; it will also enable me to become an excellent and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development and economic growth. Therefore, I would be highly obliged to be able to secure admission into one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science program in Economics. I am sure that I will succeed and will be able to maintain high standards at the university.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It's much better, but you still repeat "improvement of poor people's lives" several times.You might paint a vision of how you see Afghanistan in 25 years instead.

Yamaazimi · Answer

Dear respected teachers on forum!
I need to improve my letter of motivation for DAAD application which is due in a week. I would really appreciate if anyone can provide me with constructive critiques. I also need to reduce its number of words from 555 to 500 if possible. thanks in advance.

Education, although much beneficial to me, was not a good choice at the beginning. Since I was a child, I have been tackling with financial issues to support my education. In fact, our financial problems intensified when I started high school after I refused to work after secondary school to support myself and my family to a minor extent. That refusal was momentous. I relied on my family for support and completed my high school. The last months of high school passed on and I was still refusing to find a job. I researched much about colleges and universities in Afghanistan and its neighboring countries. To my surprise, I enrolled at a world-class university. It was the American University of Afghanistan (AUAF). The surprising fact was that the university awarded me with a full scholarship on a merit-based to pursue my bachelor’s degree. But in my very first semester, my dad had an accident, which resulted in his paralysis so I had to get a job which would enable me to support my family. All these obstacles, poverty and family problems, made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and need someone who can extend a helping hand.

Thus, I worked part-time while attending university. Besides school and work, my friend and I established a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and not able to attend school. Afterward, I got a full-time job in an NGO helped a greater range of poor people by implementing educational projects as well as raising awareness for women as to their rights. As a senior student, I began my professional work in finance. I was really proud of my contribution. However, after working for more than four years, I realized that I needed to have a higher level of education and be in a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of poor people’s lives.

My objective is to become a good economist and researcher. I believe Afghanistan is in dire need of young economists and researchers who could provide genuine solutions to the instability of its economy and insecurity. I, as a qualified economist, will fill the scarcity of competent and erudite authorities and speed up the process of economic growth in a new direction. After returning back from Germany, I will join a decision-making team who are responsible for making policy for the economy of my homeland. In order to revive the Afghan economy, we need to adapt alternative economics’ approaches inspired by the largest economies of the world like Germany that are feasible and applicable for Afghanistan.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany and its outcomes will broaden my horizons and give me a high-quality education; it will also enable me to become an excellent and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development. Therefore, I would be highly obliged to be able to secure admission into one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science program in Economics. I am sure that I will succeed and will be able to maintain high standards at the university.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

yamaazimi I would really appreciate if anyone can provide me with constructive critiques.

We gave you many suggestions earlier...
If you want to shorten the text a bit, take out repetitious ideas. Also you don't need to tell so much detail about your childhood.

Yamaazimi · Answer

Thanks a lot for the suggestions. I will try to eliminate some of the repetitive sentences.

Yamaazimi · Answer

Thanks a lot for the suggestions. I will try to eliminate some of the repetitive sentences.

Yamaazimi · Answer

Dear AlpheccaStars, I really need you to have a final look at my letter of motivation because I have brought some changes. Your cooperation is highly appreciated.

Education, although much beneficial to me, was not an easy choice at the beginning. Since I was a child, I have been dealing with the issue of my family’s poverty. Our financial problems intensified when I started high school. It was very difficult for me as a high school student to see almost every one of my peers being able to afford to buy snacks and things they needed for their studies when I couldn’t. I also had to think about how I could support my family and get admission into a good university. To my surprise, the American University of Afghanistan (AUAF) awarded me with a full scholarship on a merit-based to pursue my bachelor’s degree. But in my very first semester, my dad had an accident which resulted in his paralysis so I had to get a job which would enable me to support my family. All these challenges made me realize that there are many other people who are going through these difficulties and need someone who can extend a helping hand.

Thus, I worked part-time while attending university. Besides school and work, my friend and I established a community service club at the university through which we could raise funds for helping poor children who were working on the streets and not able to attend school. Afterward, I got a full-time job in an NGO helped a greater range of poor people by implementing educational projects as well as enhancing women’s economic empowerment. As a senior student, I began my professional work in finance. However, after working for more than four years, I realized that I needed to have a master’s degree and occupy a higher position to contribute nationwide to the improvement of poor people’s lives.

Hence, I found myself absolutely captivated to become a leading economist and researcher. Also based on my research and discussion with the relevant authorities, Afghanistan is in need of young economists and researchers who can work honestly and provide researched based solutions to the instability of its economy and insecurity. I, as a qualified economist, will fill the scarcity of competent and erudite authorities and facilitate the process of economic growth in a new direction. After returning back from Germany, if I am given the chance, I will join a decision-making team in the Ministry of Economy who are responsible for making policy for the economy of my homeland. First, I will conduct an overall evaluation of the existing economic policies. Then, I will do an extensive research on new applicable approaches to replace the outdated ones. In order to revive the Afghan economy, we will need to adapt alternative economics’ approaches inspired by the largest economies of the world like Germany that are feasible and applicable for Afghanistan.

I am confident that the opportunity to study in Germany and its outcomes will broaden my horizons and give me a high-quality education; it will also enable me to become a professional and responsible Afghan citizen who can extend a broader hand towards helping his poor people and make a valuable contribution towards his country's development. Therefore, I would be highly obliged to be able to secure admission into one of the prestigious universities of Germany and pursue my Master of Science program in Economics. Considering my academic background, I strongly believe that I will succeed and will be able to maintain high standards at the university.

Sincerely,

Letter of Motivation

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions