Letter of motivation

Question

Dear all!I am struggling with this letter even on Christmas eve. Please, could you have a look at it?Thank you!Nvard___________________________________________________Dear Sir/Madam,I am applying to the Erasmus Mundus Master programme in XX with specialisation in YY starting in September 2013.This June I have graduated the Moscow State University in Food Biotechnology. I received a diploma with honours, which means that I received the highest grade on most of the signatures. My average grade is 4.84 out of 5. My studies had a strong emphasis on yeast and bacteria cultivation processes and subsequent extraction of proteins, vitamins and amino acids from the biomaterial.I was always curious about the nutrition issue. I love experimenting with food at home and experimenting with my diet. During my studies I brought attention to the subject of food contamination by heavy metals. Then I became interested in all possible ways of quality control methods and also other contaminants, including industrial - carcinogenic additives and household - bacterial and fungus contamination. One of potentially dangerous bacteria is Staphylococcus, which can be found particularly in cream and milk products if not properly stored or cooked.  During my graduation work, held in Research Institute I developed a test-system, which permits identify the Staphylococcal enterotoxin K in all sort of material. This kit is high sensible and has a very small possibility of a mistake. A coauthored scientific abstract of this research was sent to the XX Russian National Congress "People and drugs" and will be published in the annual book of the congress.My interest in the problem of quality control resulted in the fact that in the summer of 2010 I took part at the II Course on Food Safety and Nutrition at the Universidad Complutense de Madrid (Complutense University Madrid), where I had the opportunity to get acquainted with the system of quality control in Europe, foodborne diseases statistics and nutrition changes among Europe citizens.In November 2011 I was accepted to a 3 months internship in U. Although I was applying for an internship at the Research and Development department, the only available placement was in Human Resources department. I found it to be the perfect experience for me in order to understand how a large and respective company works. During my internship I had the chance to have an insider view at one of the most important food enterprises in world. I was responsible for pp consultation, collection of material and thorough checking. I had to communicate with all departments, as everyone had to write a pp. Through my internship, I learned much about different cultures.The opportunity to continue my studies within the Erasmus Mundus programme would enable me to become a good specialist who will be able to contribute to the wealth of the changing world. Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response. Yours faithfully,Nvard.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Nvard, very nice. you will get it

Anonymous · Answer

what is the deadline for the  Erasmus Mundus program ?

DMW · Answer

Hi Nvard,
This is a very good letter; extremely well written. Your English is excellent. Here are some very minor corrections.

"This June I graduated ... ". You shouldn't use the perfect tense here.
"all possible ways of quality control methods" doesn't quite make sense. I would omit "all possible ways of" and just say "I became interested in quality control methods".
You should say "one potentially dangerous bacteria", not "one of". Whereas strictly speaking, "bacteria" is a plural, not many people use it that way. You could say "one potentially dangerous bacterium" if you were worried about this, but I think it's better not to.
"... cream and milk products if they are not properly stored ..."
"During my graduation work in a research institute, I developed a test-system to permit the identification of Staphylococcal enterotoxin K in all sorts of material." You might actually consider naming the research institute.
"This kit is highly sensitive ..."
"... very small possibility of an error." Not a mistake.
Capital C on Congress at the end of that paragraph.
The sentence about the Madrid course is a bit too complicated. You should try and break it down a bit. When you say "the II Course", do you mean that it's a second year course? It's not clear. Anyway, I would have written something like this ... "My interest in the problem of quality control led me to take part in the II Course on Food Safety and Nutrition at the Universidad Complutense de Madrid (Complutense University Madrid), in the summer of 2010. There, I had got acquainted with the quality control systems in Europe, foodborne disease statistics and nutrition changes among European citizens."
"... a large and respected company ...", not "respective".
"... an inside view of ...", not "an insider view at"
I don't know what a "pp" is, and I don't know whether the person reading the letter will. Can you write it out in full perhaps?
In the last paragraph, I would replace "who will be able" with "and". But that's just a style point, not an error.

I hope my comments are useful to you. Good luck with your application, and best wishes for the holiday season.

Regards,

David.

Nvard · Answer

Anonymous, Thank you! Let´s hope so!

The deadline is mid-January.

DMW, thanks alot! Going to edit it right away, will post the new version soon.
Merry Christmas!

Anonymous · Answer

Nvard dont forget posting when you get the offer, i will be happy <img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/>

DMW · Answer

Yes, me too. I'm certain you'll get the position in the programme. But it would be nice to hear about it from you when it happens.

Best wishes,
David.

Nvard · Answer

I have edited the letter, changed some things. I use things such as xx, yy, pp for conspiracy. Just in case...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am applying to the Erasmus Mundus Master programme in XX with specialisation in YY, that will start in September 2013.

I graduated the Moscow State University in June 2012, where I majored in Food Biotechnology. I received a diploma with honours, which means that I received the highest grade on most of the signatures. My average grade is 4.84 out of 5. My studies had a strong emphasis on yeast and bacteria cultivation processes and subsequent extraction of proteins, vitamins and amino acids from the biomaterial.

I have always been keen on the nutrition issue, which originally derives from my curiosity in experimenting with food at home and my own diet to stay healthy. During my studies at the University the subject of food contamination by heavy metals triggered my attention. Then I became interested in quality control methods and also other contaminants, including industrial - carcinogenic additives and household - bacterial and fungus contamination. One potentially dangerous bacterium is Staphylococcus, which can be found particularly in dairy products if they are not properly stored or cooked. During my graduation work in the Research Institute of Epidemiology and Microbiology I developed a test-system to permit the identification of Staphylococcal enterotoxin K in all sorts of material. This kit is highly sensitive and has a very small possibility of an error. My coauthored scientific abstract of this research was sent to the XX Russian National Congress "People and drugs" and will be published in the annual book of the Congress.

My interest in the problem of quality control led me to take part in the II Course on Food Safety and Nutrition at the Universidad Complutense de Madrid (Complutense University Madrid), in the summer of 2010. There I had got acquainted with the quality control system in Europe, foodborne disease statistics and nutrition changes among European citizens.

In November 2011 I was accepted to a three-month long internship at the U. Although I was applying for an internship at the Research and Development department, the only available placement at Unilever was in the Human Resources department. Despite this, I found it to be the perfect experience for me in order to understand how a large and respected company works. During my internship I had the chance to have an inside view at one of the most important food enterprises in world. I was responsible for PP consultation, collection of material and thorough checking. I had to communicate with all departments, as everyone had to write a PP. This internship also gave me a chance to learn a lot about different other cultures.

The opportunity to continue my studies within the Erasmus Mundus programme would enable me to become a good specialist who will be able to contribute to the wealth of the changing world.
Many thanks for your consideration. I look forward to your response.

Yours faithfully,
Nvard.

DMW · Answer

Hello Nvard,
Reading your letter, I found myself wishing that I were on the committee that reviews such applications, simply so that I could admit you to the position that you so obviously deserve. Your work sounds fascinating, and you are clearly extremely intelligent. I wish you success.

There are a couple of small English mistakes here, which I guess I missed on my earlier reading. My apologies for that.

"I graduated from Moscow State University in June 2012". I don't think you need "the" in this sentence, but you certainly need "from".

When you use a hyphen, you should not put spaces around it. So, you could either write "industrial-carcinogenic" and "household-bacterial" without the spaces, or (even better) omit the hyphens entirely. We don't usually separate adjectives with hyphens in this way, although we often use a hyphen when an adverb qualifies an adjective used attributively. Also, I found the sentence where these two terms occurs a bit hard to understand, because it has a few little phrases that have to be grouped together in the right way. I think you should use commas to help with this, although some English speakers eschew the use of commas in this way. Here is how I would write the sentence. Note that I have reversed "carcinogenic" and "industrial" — to me it just sounds better this way.

Then I became interested in quality control methods; and also other contaminants, including carcinogenic industrial additives, and household bacterial and fungus contamination.

Good luck, Nvard. Don't forget to let us all know how you get on.

David.

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