Letter of Motivation

Question

Hey everyone,I have to wirte a Letter of Motivation for my application at the University of Western Ontario. I don't know what the Canadian Universities expect from a cover letter. Therefor I need some help with correcting mistakes in my letter. Thanks a lot!!!LisaDear Sir or Madam,I hereby apply for a study abroad at your University for the academic year 2012/ 2013. I am currently studying Psychology at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At the moment I’m in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Furthermore I work as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology since May 2011. My purviews are tests in primary schools (testing the writing and reading skills of first graders) and to help the employees with the evaluation of the test results.  The programs offered by the University of Western Ontario are of great interest to me. If it’s possible that I can study two terms at your University I would like to apply  to the Honors Specialization BA. Until the 2012 fall term I have completed the  courses: Statistic 1 and 2, Introduction into Psychology, Physiology, Neuroanatomy, Cognitive and Experimental Psychology, Biopsychology, Social Psychology, Differential Psychology, Research methods, Business Psychology and Developmental Psychology.  My wish to study for an academic year in Canada is based on the great diversity as well on the excellent academic programs offered by your University. The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I really love English and French and I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my fluency of speaking during my studies. When I was four years old I lived with my family for one year near Winnipeg. After this year we moved back in the north of Germany. I always dreamed of coming back to Canada one time and to learn more about this exciting country.In conclusion I would like to say that I am very ambitious and working hard to get an excellent education as a Psychologist. For my personal and academic future I would like to develop the skills, knowledge and behaviors that are necessary to perform as a confident, independent person and as an active learner who is able to work individually as well as in groups. The University of Western Ontario provides the perfect foundation for that, as they demand a problem-solving way of working and gives me the chance to apply what I have already learned. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion a study abroad in Canada is the best way to achieve that.Should you require further information about my qualifications I would be pleased to quote references.I thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your response.Yours faithfully,

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Lisa,

Your letter is somewhat chaotic.

You don't need to repeat your transcripts. In fact, don't do it. And don't use contractions in formal writing.

After reading your letter quickly, I know that you are from Germany, studied pyschology, and you lived in Canada when you were younger. Beyond that, nothing sticks.

Here's my boilerplate response I often provide.

Here are some posts you should review. These posts will give you some ideas on the structure of your letter.

(links to Part II)

Good example:

I'm extremely busy right now, so I might not be able to further assist you. But at least you have something to work with.

Good luck.

MountainHiker

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks for your help MountainHiker. I changed my letter and hope that it is better now. It would be great if somebody has time to correct it another time. Thanks a lot!

Lisa

Dear Sir or Madam,

I hereby apply for a study abroad at your University for the academic year 2012/ 2013.
My career ambition is to become a child- and youth psychotherapist.

I am currently studying Psychology (BSc) at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At the moment I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Furthermore I work as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology since May 2011. My purviews are tests in primary schools (testing the writing and reading skills of first graders) and to help the employees with the evaluation of the test results. Working as an assistant I have the possibility to gain experiences in the work with children and youths and I really enjoy this work. I did my A-Level on a boarding- school where I learned to be open for new people and new situations. This helps me to adjust myself to new environments and to work in teams.

The programs offered by the University of Western Ontario are of great interest to me. If it is possible that I can study two terms at your University I would like to apply
to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are a unique opportunity to gather more knowledge for my later profession.

My wish to study for an academic year in Canada is based on the great diversity as well on the excellent academic programs offered by your University. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will not only develop my academic skills but also my personality. I am willing to work hard to get an excellent education as a Psychologist because the wellbeing of others, especially children is very important to me.

The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I really love English and French and I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my fluency of speaking during my studies. When I was four years old I lived with my family for one year near Winnipeg. After this year we moved back in the north of Germany. I always dreamed of coming back to Canada one time and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion a study abroad in Canada is the best way to achieve that.

Should you require further information about my qualifications I would be pleased to quote references.

I thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your response.

Yours faithfully,

MountainHiker · Answer

Please review ALL of the links I have provided and then incorporate that information into your next iteration.

Simply pumping out another iteration in only a few minutes will guarantee my loss of interest.

Anonymous · Answer

I wrote that new version the whole day. The samples are great but most of them differ a lot to my request. It would helpful if somebody could help me with the grammar and style. I try hard to improve it.

MountainHiker · Answer

You didn't review the links with any effort.

I hereby apply for a study abroad at your University for the academic year 2012/ 2013.
My career ambition is to become a child- and youth psychotherapist.

You are not making a proclamation. You are merely applying to a university. Don't use contractions, slashes or other shorthand stuff. "Your univeristy" sounds as though you are carpet bombing every university.

I am currently studying Psychology (BSc) at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At the moment I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Furthermore I work as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology since May 2011. My purviews are tests in primary schools (testing the writing and reading skills of first graders) and to help the employees with the evaluation of the test results. Working as an assistant I have the possibility to gain experiences in the work with children and youths and I really enjoy this work. I did my A-Level on a boarding- school where I learned to be open for new people and new situations. This helps me to adjust myself to new environments and to work in teams.

What is the singular main theme of the above paragraph?

When writing formal letters, avoid adjectives and adverbs as much as possible. "I really enjoy this work" tells me nothing. If you enjoy it, show me.

The programs offered by the University of Western Ontario are of great interest to me. If it is possible that I can study two terms at your University I would like to apply
to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are a unique opportunity to gather more knowledge for my later profession.

"Are of great interest"? That's why your applying, no?

Tell me something I don't know.

My wish to study for an academic year in Canada is based on the great diversity as well on the excellent academic programs offered by your University. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will not only develop my academic skills but also my personality. I am willing to work hard to get an excellent education as a Psychologist because the wellbeing of others, especially children is very important to me.

Your university again gives me hte impression of carpet bombing. There is absolutely nothing in that paragraph that couldn't be applied to any other university in Canada.

The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I really love English and French and I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my fluency of speaking during my studies. When I was four years old I lived with my family for one year near Winnipeg. After this year we moved back in the north of Germany. I always dreamed of coming back to Canada one time and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion a study abroad in Canada is the best way to achieve that.

Unless you express your desire to take French classes (which you can do anywhere), there's nothing about bilingualism in Ontario. You will eat, live, and breathe English.

Should you require further information about my qualifications I would be pleased to quote references.

As I indicated to you earlier, your letter tells me nothing. I have no idea of your passions or skills. Are you good at communicating? Interpersonal skills? What do you do with your spare time? What has impressed you most in your short life? Besides stating your career objectives, what do you hope to accomplish?

You need to show more imagination and information in your letter. My earlier comments stand.

Yours faithfully,

Anonymous · Answer

A new attempt.. I hope that the letter is better now. Thanks for your help!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I hereby apply for a study abroad at the University of Western Ontario for the academic year from fall 2012 to summer 2013.

My career objective is to become a children and youth psychotherapist. In my own youth I often recognized that it is very important for children to have emotional support in society. Working as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology I have the possibility to gain experiences in this area. Testing first graders in their writing and reading skills shows me every time how satisfying the work with youth is for me. In the work with children it is possible to improve their emotional state and to prevent future disorders. In order to reach my objective I want to acquire international knowledge about the latest research in developmental psychology combined with a good education as a psychotherapist. The University of Western Ontario is one of the leading research- intensive universities in Canada, therefore I am confident to reach my academic and cultural goals.

I

am currently studying Psychology in the Bachelor of Sciences at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At the moment I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Although I am at the beginning of my studies I am passionate learning about behavior and mental processes of humans. I passed all my courses with a very good grade, having an average grade of 1, 2.

The programs offered by the University of Western Ontario are of great interest to me
and they give the possibility to gather more knowledge for my later objective. If it is possible
that I can study two terms at your University I would like to apply
to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I will have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are not offered at my current university. I hope to achieve an international point of view on psychological themes and working processes during my study abroad.

My wish to study for an academic year in Canada is based on the great diversity as well on the excellent academic programs offered by the University of Western. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will not only develop my academic skills but also my personality. The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my fluency of speaking during my studies. When I was four years old I lived with my family for one year near Winnipeg. After this year we moved back to the north of Germany. I always dreamed of coming back to Canada one day and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion a study abroad in Canada is the best way to achieve that.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions.

I thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your response.

Yours faithfully,

Lisa Arnhold

MountainHiker · Answer

Lisa, I am extremely busy, so I don't have time to show cross-outs and other niceties. Please look at your original version and my hastily revised version. Compare the two. My version is still poor, but it is in the proper direction. You need to take my revision of your version and further improve it.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish apply to the Faculty of X at the University of Western Ontario for the academic year starting in the autumn of 2012. (You apply TO university and you apply FOR student loans.)

My career objective is to psychotherapist with specialization in children and youth. By working as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology, I have learned to appreciate the importance of emotional support for children. (reduced two sentences to one and showed cause and effect) Furthermore, I know that I enjoy working with children. As part of my duties, I test first graders in their writing and reading skills. (In the workING with children it is possible to improve their emotional state and to prevent future disorders. not sure why that sentence exists) In order to reach my objective I want to learn the latest research in developmental psychology combined with a good education as a psychotherapist. Furthermore, I believe that learning in a foreign country will enhance my development and provide exposure to different techniques and viewpoints. Thus I have selected University of Western Ontario is one of the leading research- intensive universities in Canada. (The rest of the sentence was obvious. Brevity is golden.)

I am currently studying Psychology in the Bachelor of Sciences at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At present I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Although I am at the beginning of my studies, I am passionate learning about behavior and mental processes of humans. I passed all my courses with a very good grade, having an average grade of 1.2 out of a possible three, placing me in the top quartile of my class/program. (You need to fix prior sentences, really everything. Remember in North America, we use "." not commas.)

The programs offered by the University of Western Ontario are of great interest to me and they give the possibility to gather more knowledge for my later objective. If it is possible that I can study two terms at your University I would like to apply to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I will have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are not offered at my current university. I hope to achieve an international point of view on psychological themes and working processes during my study abroad. (This whole paragraph seems oddly placed. You start with your reason for writing (good). Then, you talk about your career objective, including going to Western (good). And then you detour back to Germany to talk about your current progress (good). And now we back again to Western. The reader is getting whiplash. You need to logically group your material. Discuss something once or sequentially and then put it away.)

My wish to study for an academic year in Canada is based on the great diversity as well on the excellent academic programs offered by the University of Western ONTARIO. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will DEVELOP not only my academic skills but also my personality. The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my fluency of speaking (what?) during my studies. When I was four years old I lived with my family for one year near Winnipeg. After this year we moved back to the north of Germany. I always dreamed of coming back to Canada one day and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion a study abroad in Canada is the best way to achieve that. (My prior comments about structure and grouping apply here too.)

I thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your POSTIVE response.

Yours faithfully,

Lisa Arnhold

- My questions are:
- What do you enjoy
- What are you good at

If it were me, I would make a few changes...

Para 1: Why you are writing.

Para 2: Your career objective without mentioning Western.

Para 3. Your brief upbringing in Canada and desire to return.

Para 4. Your current status as a student, showing key strengths and interests.

Para 5. Why you've chosen Western. (You can combine your two last Western paragraphs into one paragraph.)

Para 6. Thank you for your positive response.

Now, you tell'em why you are writing. Next, what you hope to accomplish. Next, in chronological order, you tell them about you. Finally, why them.

Anonymous · Answer

Okay one more time. I think this is better now. Thanks for your help in your spare time!!!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to apply to the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Western Ontario for the academic year starting in the autumn of 2012.

My career objective is to become psychotherapist with specialization in children and youth. By working as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology, I have learned to appreciate the importance of emotional support for children. Therefore, I know that I enjoy working with children because you can help them on their later journey of life and give them new confidence. As part of my duties, I test first graders in their writing and reading skills. In order to reach my objective I want to learn the latest research in developmental psychology combined with a good education as a psychotherapist. Furthermore, I believe that learning in a foreign country will enhance my development and provide exposure to different techniques and viewpoints.

I am currently studying Psychology in the Bachelor of Sciences at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany. At present I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. Although I am at the beginning of my studies, I am passionate learning about behavior and mental processes of humans. I passed all my courses with a very good grade, having an average grade of 1.2 out of a possible four, placing me in the top five percent of my program. In my spare time I enjoy dancing and classical music as well as discovering other cultures. I dance classical ballet since I am seven years old and in the same age I started to play piano. Practicing a lot I reached a well founded classical dance and piano education which means a lot to me.

My wish to study for two semesters in London is based on the great diversity of the Canadian culture as well on the excellent academic programs offered by the University of Western Ontario. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will develop not only my academic skills but also my personality. If there is the possibility for me to study two terms at your University I would like to apply to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I will have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are not offered at my current university but they are of great interest to me. The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my English and maybe also my French during my studies.

When I was four years old I lived with my family near Winnipeg for one year. After this year we moved back to the north of Germany. I always dreamt of coming back to Canada one day and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and I am looking forward to a wonderful year in Canada.

I thank you for considering my application and I look forward to your positive response.

Yours faithfully,

MountainHiker · Answer

Lisa,

It's not uncommon for students to go through 15+ iterations on their letters. Your prior version is better, though there remains room for improvement.

Again, I will go through your letter quickly.

MountainHiker

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to apply to attend the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Western Ontario for the academic year starting in the autumn of 2012 for two semesters. (Are you planning to finish your bachelor degree at Western, or just attend a few semesters? You should state your intentions up front. Now, we have said you want two semesters. Now, I would tell them where you are in your studies. That way, they know whether you are at the start or the end. Let's rewrite...)

I wish to apply to attend for two semesters at the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Western Ontario for the academic year starting in the autumn of 2012. At present, I am studying Psychology in the Bachelor of Sciences at the Julius-Maximilians-University of Würzburg, Germany, where I am in the second semester of my three-year bachelor’s degree program. (Now, they have a better idea of who you are without having to read your whole letter. Are your studies part of an established exchange program? If so, say so.)

My career objective is to become psychotherapist with specialization in children and youth. By working as an assistant at the chair of the developmental psychology, I have learned to appreciate the importance of emotional support for children. As part of my duties, I test the reading and writing abilities of first grade students. Therefore, I know that I enjoy working with children because *I* am able to help learn and grow with confidence. (Moreover, in order to reach reach my full potential, I want to learn the latest research in developmental psychology as well as best practices employed by psychotherapists.
Furthermore, I believe that learning in a foreign country will enhance my development and provide exposure to different techniques and viewpoints.)

(I am not happy with these last two sentences. You need to make them flow better.)

Although I am at the beginning of my studies, I am passionate learning about behavior and mental processes. I passed all my courses with a very good grades, having an average grade of 1.2 out of a possible four, placing me in the top five percent of my program. (Something doesn't make sense here. 1.2 out of 4? In North America, a higher score, say three out of four is good. A 1.2 out of four is poor. In North America, no way is 1.2 out of 4 in the top 5%. Is your system different? Are low scores better? I am confused here.) In my spare time I enjoy dancing and classical music as well as discovering other cultures. At seven years old, I began classical ballet and playing piano. As demonstrated by my academic achievements and my extracurricular activities, I am a focused person who (achieves her goals or something like that. I want to send the message that you set your targets and then work toward them.)

My wish to study for two semesters in London is based on the great diversity of the Canadian culture as well on the excellent academic programs offered by the University of Western Ontario. The international exchange of ideas in scientific research and between different cultures will develop not only my academic skills but also my personality. If there is the possibility for me to study two terms at your University I would like to apply to the Honors Specialization BA in Psychology. Until August 2012 I will have finished my basic courses in Psychology which offers the possibility for me to take courses in Children Pathology or Child Development. These courses are not offered at my current university but they are of great interest to me. The bilingualism is another outstanding advantage of Canada. I hope that I will have the possibility to improve my English and maybe also my French during my studies.

When I was four years old I lived with my family near Winnipeg for one year. After this year we moved back to the north of Germany. I always dreamt of coming back to Canada one day and to learn more about this exciting country. I am eager to gain new experiences and I am looking forward to a wonderful year in Canada. (This prior paragraph appears as an afterthought. Yet, it appears to be integral to your decision to apply to Western. If so, it should be integrated with the prior paragraph with your wish to study at Western. I would rework your last couple of paragraphs so that you have one paragraph as to WHY you want to go to London, and another paragraph WHAT you want to do once you arrive in London.)

I thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your positive response.

Yours faithfully,

Letter of Motivation

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