Learning English writing

Hello,

I've been preparing for the IELTS test and I have a trouble with getting improved in writting skills so I'd like to post my writting on here. Please help me out with showing me errors. Thank you so much !

The task is : " Some people think that teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?"

Here is my essay :

The fact has shown that some adolescents are spending their leisure time on helping their local communities without payments. Lots of people hold the belief that it would be beneficial to themselves and the whole society as well. In my point of view, I completely disagree with this opinion because of some following its disadvantages.

First of all, it is not proper and unfair for students to be forced to do unpaid works after school. Teenagers are at the age of learning and they have to meet their deadlines for their homework. As a result, they should get their priority right which is to pay full attention to their study instead of taking care of others' responsibilities. Besides, youngsters need comprehensive developments by playing sports or doing other extra-curriculum activities, so if they take time out to do unrelated works, there will not time left for these things.

Nevertheless, society would not have merited by using students as a workforce. In fact, if they do not focus on their studying to become good citizens, their countries will not have well-qualified employees in the long run. For instance, in a developing nation like Vietnam, there has been being a huge number of children who have to make for living after class to help their families. Therefore, these students could not meet the requirement of contemporary industries in terms of skillfulness as well as occupational disciplines.

In conclusion, I do not share the view with some reasons which I mentioned above. The choice of whether helping the local or not belongs to the young, but it is suggested that adults should not ask them to do works which are their duties.