Korean Government Scholarship Undergraduate Program Personal Statement

I am begging you guys to help me about the grammatical error or non coherent paragraph or something else that strengthen my personal statement please. Urgent

Personal statement :

- Motivations with which you apply for this program

- Family and Education background

- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences

- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

One of my motivations for joining the kgsp undergraduate program is because of my admiration for South Korea. I am amazed how they can achieved developed country in various fields, especially in the technology. Even though South Korea and my country Indonesia were independent at the same time, Indonesia on August 17, 1945 and South Korea on August 15, 1945. However, South Korea was further advanced and superior compared to Indonesia. In addition, I am also interested in their culture and language such as "ppali ppali" culture, it makes me interested to live there, where I have to be fast and always agile which is a new challenge for me.
I have a deep interest in computer science and engineering. It was not separated from my family who introduced me into that world. My father worked in the printing office so he always busy in front of his computer which made me wonder how that little things worked, why the words could appear on the screen or how the applications were formed. And also my brother, a prospective sports teacher who really likes to play games and sometimes he invites me to join him but I suck at it. That's why I think instead of playing it, I'd better make it. Start from then I determined that making games or becoming a game developer became part of my life.

When i'm still a pupil, I was the chairman of Japanese language extracurricular. I managed to run previous alumni programs that were previously unsucceeded such as making Japanese food stand, making japanese club's clothes and making a bilingual comic in Japanese and Indonesian which are the second school comics in Indonesia that had been published. Besides being part of making comics, I also work as a translator of the comic. My teacher entrusted the work to me, after seeing that I had successfully passed the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) Level N5.Other than being active in extracurricular activities, I also active in the competitions such as drawing anime / manga, singing, and speech contest in Japanese. And i want to join the Korean language extracurricular too but my school didn't provide other than English and Japanese. Therefore, I learned self-taught about Korean and Korean. For now I can read in Korean letters and can make a few simple sentences.

The third year of high school is when you have to decide whether you want to go to college or work. And I chose to go to college so I could focus on my dream for being a game developer. From first grade to last grade I always get rank 3 in my class, because of my good grades I became an invited student participant. I chose the School of Electrical Engineering & Informatics major at the Bandung Institute of Technology but I was declared not qualified. At that time I thought that the world was unfair because I had worked hard to become an invited student, but the reality was different. In that worst situation, my mother was the one who always encouraged me and told me that hard work would not betray the results, and my mother always said that everyone has their own fate, what we need to do is always do our best and try be the best in the best way.

A few months later, I found this kgsp scholarship and I reminded by my mother's words that everyone has their own way and I am sure that this is my destiny. That I want to learn about computer science and engineering in South Korea, become a game developer and then establish a private school about games on an international scale.