Kindly review my SOP - Your Inputs needed. Please Suggest

Question

Dear Sir or MadamI wish to apply for the Master in Finance program at your university for the academic year 2011-2012. After having reviewed the course content, the University/ Course ratings and having sought the views of University Alumni, I am certain that the program best meets my requirements. The knowledge gained during the program coupled with my past experience will help me transform myself into an exceptional business consultant.I have always been an outstanding performer both in studies as well as in my professional work. Having secured a CGPA of 9.24/10 during my graduation, I was awarded the Vice-Chancellors gold medal for topping my university. Besides my academic work, I was also an active member of student council during my graduation. During my professional term, I have continuously outperformed my peers & have received the “SAP Top-Talent” award for two consecutive years for my exceptional and outstanding work. Throughout my studies in school and graduation thereafter I was interested in Mathematics. It was during the graduation studies and the professional tenure thereafter, I discovered my interest in Finance. This can be seen from the fact that I scored 49/51 in the quantitative section of the GMAT which maps to a worldwide percentile of 90%. I always secured an A+ grade in all the courses on Mathematics during my graduation. As a business reporting specialist and architect at SAP, I handled numerous SAP projects with varying degree of complexity & requirements for numerous fortune 500 companies. This allowed me to gain a deep insight into the Financial Operations of business, its complexities and its role to increase profits, maintain cash flows and to bring business on top. Always playing a pivotal role during the projects, I handled a wide range of responsibilities from requirement gathering & modeling these needs into SAP’s reporting solution to ensuring validation of data. As a result of handling projects on financial planning, I was able to comprehend the range of challenging requirements an organization faces and the opportunities it tries to capitalize upon. All of this has led me to aspire to a career path in the field of corporate finance.Problem solving, analytical and mathematical skills have always been my strong areas of interest. I secured a 97% percentile in the international Mensa IQ Test held at XXX . Participating as a trainer at SAP helped immensely to improve my interpersonal skills. It not only enabled me to interact with wide range of people and personalities but also to develop a sense of how to motivate others. All my attendees have always appreciated both my technical and presentation skills.  Apart from receiving many certificates of appreciation from top-managing, during one program I received a rating of 6.55/7, which is one of the highest ever recorded ratings for a trainer. I want to study at University of XXX because of your outstanding educational system, flexibility to structure the study plan after the 1st term, and your excellent facilities. From speaking with students from your university and other universities, I am confident of my decision. With many distinguished professors & staff, I know that I will gain expert knowledge. Moreover, by combining my experience and the specialized education gained at your university, I will gain the opportunity to bridge my current portfolio of skills and knowledge with my ambitious future career plans. Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to exceed your expectations and will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and open nature. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program. I can assure to provide you with the top academic performance.Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.Sincerely yours,

Anks22 · Accepted Answer

MountainHiker , AlpheccaStars can you please sugggest.

I am eager for your comments.

-

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam

I wish to apply for the Master in Finance program at your university for the academic year 2011-2012. After having reviewed the course content, the University/ Course ratings and having sought the views of University Alumni, I am certain that the program best meets my requirements. The knowledge gained during the program coupled with my past experience will help me transform myself into an exceptional business consultant.

You apply TO a program. You apply FOR a student grant. That aside, when I translate your first paragraph, it says "Because I need to say something wonderful about you, you're great. Me, I just want a great job." Why so harsh? Because your first paragraph says nothing substantial. I have no clue what your requirements are. Views of Alumni? Like who? If it is vague, it is detrimental.

I have always been an outstanding performer both in studies as well as in my professional work. Having secured a CGPA of 9.24/10 during my graduation, I was awarded the Vice-Chancellors gold medal for topping my university. Besides my academic work, I was also an active member of student council during my graduation.

Why not say something like, "I have always strived for excellence." And then support it with your accomplishments. It could likely be combined with the paragraph below.

During my professional term, I have continuously outperformed my peers & have received the “SAP Top-Talent” award for two consecutive years for my exceptional and outstanding work. Throughout my studies in school and graduation thereafter I was interested in Mathematics. It was during the graduation studies and the professional tenure thereafter, I discovered my interest in Finance. This can be seen from the fact that I scored 49/51 in the quantitative section of the GMAT which maps to a worldwide percentile of 90%. I always secured an A+ grade in all the courses on Mathematics during my graduation. As a business reporting specialist and architect at SAP, I handled numerous SAP projects with varying degree of complexity & requirements for numerous fortune 500 companies. This allowed me to gain a deep insight into the Financial Operations of business, its complexities and its role to increase profits, maintain cash flows and to bring business on top. Always playing a pivotal role during the projects, I handled a wide range of responsibilities from requirement gathering & modeling these needs into SAP’s reporting solution to ensuring validation of data. As a result of handling projects on financial planning, I was able to comprehend the range of challenging requirements an organization faces and the opportunities it tries to capitalize upon. All of this has led me to aspire to a career path in the field of corporate finance.

Too much to read and too granular. I am just wanting to decide whether you should be admitted. I have no desire to plow through thick prose. Please make it easy for me.

Problem solving, analytical and mathematical skills have always been my strong areas of interest. I secured a 97% percentile in the international Mensa IQ Test held at *** . Participating as a trainer at SAP helped immensely to improve my interpersonal skills. It not only enabled me to interact with wide range of people and personalities but also to develop a sense of how to motivate others. All my attendees have always appreciated both my technical and presentation skills. Apart from receiving many certificates of appreciation from top-managing, during one program I received a rating of 6.55/7, which is one of the highest ever recorded ratings for a trainer.

I want to study at University of *** because of your outstanding educational system, flexibility to structure the study plan after the 1^st term, and your excellent facilities. From speaking with students from your university and other universities, I am confident of my decision. With many distinguished professors & staff, I know that I will gain expert knowledge. Moreover, by combining my experience and the specialized education gained at your university, I will gain the opportunity to bridge my current portfolio of skills and knowledge with my ambitious future career plans.

Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to exceed your expectations and will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and open nature. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program. I can assure to provide you with the top academic performance.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

Overall, you need to restructure your letter. Keep it clean, focused, and concise. Make it easy and fun to read. Don't make your reader work hard. By making your letter clean, focused, and concise, it then becomes easy and fun to read. Right now, it is too much effort.

You're bright, so you'll figure out how to revise your letter for another attempt.

Anks22 · Answer

Thanks a Ton to MountainHiker for your kind inputs. i have hence reviewed my letter & made modifications. Please take some time to have a look. I am eagerly awaiting your & other members comments.

Dear Sir/ Madam

I wish to apply for the Master in Finance program at your university for the academic year 2011-2012. Having reviewed the course content, the University/ Course ratings, I am sure that the program will make me qualified to meet my future aspirations of becoming an exceptional business consultant & the knowledge gained would pave way for my doctorate.

I have strived for excellence and have been an outstanding performer both in studies as well as in my professional work. The testimonials are

· CGPA of 9.24/10 during my graduation.
· Vice-Chancellors gold medal for topping my university.
· Received the "SAP Top-Talent" award for two consecutive years.
· Scored 49/51 in the quantitative section of the GMAT (worldwide percentile of 90%).
· Secured a 97% percentile in the international Mensa IQ Test.

During my studies in school and graduation thereafter I was interested in Mathematics. This can be gauged from the fact that I have always secured an A+ grade in all my courses on mathematics. It was during the graduation and the professional tenure thereafter, I discovered my interest in Finance. As a business reporting specialist and architect at SAP, I handled numerous SAP projects with varying degree of complexity for numerous fortune 500 companies. This allowed me to gain a deep insight into the Financial Operations of business, its complexities and its role to increase profits, maintain cash flows and to bring business on top. While handling the projects at SAP, I volunteered to take wide range of responsibilities from requirement gathering and modeling these needs into SAP's reporting solution to ensuring validation of data. Working on projects on financial planning, enabled me to comprehend the range of challenging requirements an organization faces and the opportunities it tries to capitalize upon. All This has led me to aspire to a career path in the field of corporate finance.

What started during my schooling & graduation as a hobby turned into a more serious interest later in my life. Volunteering my time as a SAP trainer for knowledge sharing enabled me to interact with wide range of people, understand personalities and develop a sense of how to motivate others. Apart from receiving many certificates of appreciation from top-managing, during one program I received a rating of 6.55/7, which is one of the highest ever recorded ratings for a trainer.

I want to study at University of *** because of your outstanding educational system, importance to research and flexibility to structure the study plan after the 1st term. From having spoken with current and ex - students from your university and other universities, I am confident of my decision. With many distinguished professors & staff at your esteemed educational institution, I am sure to gain from their immense knowledge. Moreover, by combining my experience and the specialized education gained at your university, I will have the opportunity to bridge my current portfolio of skills and knowledge with my ambitious future career plans.

Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I am sure to exceed your expectations and will enrich the program by enabling fellow students and professors to benefit from my ambitious and open nature. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program. I can assure to provide you with the top academic performance.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

MountainHiker · Answer

You ignored my first comment from my last post about applying to and applying for.

Here's what I got from your letter:

Smart academically.
Good with numbers and computers.
Nothing else.

Let's look at these three sentences:

As a business reporting specialist and architect at SAP, I handled numerous SAP projects with varying degree of complexity for numerous fortune 500 companies. This allowed me to gain a deep insight into the Financial Operations of business, its complexities and its role to increase profits, maintain cash flows and to bring business on top. While handling the projects at SAP, I volunteered to take wide range of responsibilities from requirement gathering and modeling these needs into SAP's reporting solution to ensuring validation of data.

Numerous projects means what? One, five, ten, a million? I have no clue.

Varying degreeS of complexity. How do I measure or quantify that? How complex is complex? What did YOU do? Did YOU do anything?

This allowed me to gain a deep insight into the Financial Operations of business....This what? What deep insight in the financial operations (lower case) of business? What did you learn? How did you learn? How did you apply your learnings?

In effect, you told me nothing--just a lot of arm waving.

This pattern exists throughout your whole letter. And worse, you give vacuously platitudes about the school. Surely, there must be something honest you can write?

One last complaint, ever since I helped one student with the "diversity" comment in their summation paragraph, everyone seems to copy it. And that's fine if they copy it and it applies. But show that it at least applies. I don't see anything in your letter to demonstrate added diversity.

Here, read my post:

Try answering questions such as:

Give me an example of where you overcame conflict to finish the project in a satisfactory manner.
Give me an example of where you worked under stressful conditions to complete a project on time.
Give me an example of where you had to learn something new quickly and apply it to finish the project.
Give me an example of where you took on a project that was way outside your comfort zone, yet you were successful.
Give me an example of where you failed but learned something meaningful.

You don't have answer these specific questions. Instead, make up your own. But answer your questions with tangible examples.

As far as the Mensa IQ test and stuff, that's like a put-off. All you need is one or two examples to show you are capable. Rattling off Mensa IQ test results has an "elitist" feel to it. And the harsh reality of life is, IQ and success are only loosely correlated. Being a number cruncher, you know what I mean.

So, it's back to the drawing board. Good luck.

Anks22 · Answer

Dear Mountainhiker, I can’t thank you enough for pin pointing gaping loopholes in my SOP.
I have again reviewed the letter. Please have a look & suggest your inputs.

Dear Sir/ Madam

I wish to apply to the Master in Finance program at your university for the academic year 2011-2012. Having reviewed the course content, the University/ Course ratings, I am sure that the program will make me qualified to meet my future aspirations of becoming an exceptional financial consultant. The knowledge gained would pave way for my doctorate subsequently. Having spoken with current and ex - students of your university, I am confident that I am choosing the right university and the right course to meet my aspirations. With many distinguished professors at your esteemed educational institution and the importance given to research, I am sure that the coming 2 years would be a transforming experience for me.

I always had a keen interest in Mathematics since childhood and have secured an A+ grade in all the mathematics courses during my graduation. A testimonial to this is my scoring a 49/51 (mapping to a worldwide percentile of 90%) in the quantitative section of the GMAT, taken this year. It is not only the subject alone, but also its diverse application that interests me a lot. Because of this interest I took up Six Sigma course and learned how statistical tools can be used in the area of quality management. Later I was able to apply these skills by participating in a project to design metric and evaluate customer satisfaction.

After graduating in 2005 with a CGPA of 9.24/10 and being awarded the Vice Chancellors gold medal for topping my university, I have worked as an SAP analytics specialist for fortune 500 clients like ***, *** & ***. I have continuously outperformed my peers & have received the “SAP Top-Talent” award for two consecutive years for outstanding work. In retrospect, it was while working on challenging requirements to model & deliver financial reporting solutions that I gained my interest in the area. While working on reporting requirements from areas such as financial accounting, budgeting, controlling, cash & liquidity management enabled me to build foundation in financials. It was while designing profitability planning reports; I faced with the most challenging scenario of consolidating data from other business areas with that of financials. The project not only enhanced my understating of cross business interactions but also gave me new perspective at understanding the critical role financial tools can play in an organizations growth.

What started during my schooling & graduation as a hobby turned into a more serious interest later in my life. Volunteering my time as a trainer for knowledge sharing enabled me to interact with wide range of people, understand personalities and develop a sense of how to motivate others. Apart from being a member of student council during my graduation and receiving many certificates of appreciation from top-managing at SAP, during one program at SAP I received a rating of 6.55/7, which is one of the highest ever recorded ratings for a trainer.

Given my past history of commitment to excellence, I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to your program. I can assure to provide you with the top academic performance.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Your's Sincerely

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam: (changes made)

I wish to apply to the Master in Finance program at your university for the academic year 2011-2012. Having reviewed the course content, the University/ Course ratings, I am sure that the program will make me qualified to meet my future aspirations of becoming an exceptional financial consultant. The knowledge gained would pave way for my doctorate subsequently. Having spoken with current and ex - students of your university, I am confident that I am choosing the right university and the right course to meet my aspirations. With many distinguished professors at your esteemed educational institution and the importance given to research, I am sure that the coming 2 years would be a transforming experience for me.

The crossed out stuff is just aimless blather. If you want my continued assistance, I am going to assume that you've read the stuff I point you toward. In my lessons, I mention that all numbers (dates are an exception) are to be written out. 2 becomes two.

I always had a keen interest in Mathematics since childhood and have secured an A+ grade in all the mathematics courses during my graduation. A testimonial to this is my scoring a 49/51 (mapping to a worldwide percentile of 90%) in the quantitative section of the GMAT, taken this year. It is not only the subject alone, but also its diverse application that interests me a lot. Because of this interest I took up Six Sigma course and learned how statistical tools can be used in the area of quality management. Later I was able to apply these skills by participating in a project to design metric and evaluate customer satisfaction.

What is you main thought in the above paragraph? Furthermore, don't teach them about the GMAT. They know it better than you. You took up a Six Sigma course? Why not take down a Six Sigma course? I still have no clue as to what you accomplished with your mathematical skills. You participated in a project? When I put that through my translation machine, it says you were part of a bureaucracy that accomplished nothing.

After graduating in 2005 with a CGPA of 9.24/10 and being awarded the Vice Chancellors gold medal for topping my university, I have worked as an SAP analytics specialist for fortune 500 clients like ***, *** & ***. I have continuously outperformed my peers & have received the “SAP Top-Talent” award for two consecutive years for outstanding work. In retrospect, it was while working on challenging requirements to model & deliver financial reporting solutions that I gained my interest in the area. While working on reporting requirements from areas such as financial accounting, budgeting, controlling, cash & liquidity management enabled me to build foundation in financials. It was while designing profitability planning reports; I faced with the most challenging scenario of consolidating data from other business areas with that of financials. The project not only enhanced my understating of cross business interactions but also gave me new perspective at understanding the critical role financial tools can play in an organizations growth.

Your stuff seems disjointed and chaotic. I think you're rushing to create new iterations without giving this letter much thought. In your prior "math" paragraph, you discuss your intelligence and here you are again bashing away at the same topic. In your math paragraph, I am assuming your six sigma stuff is related to SAP, and here you are again back to SAP. As mentioned in my prior comments, I have no clue what "topping" your university means.

You need to pay attention to your sentence structure. For example, "It was while designing profitability planning reports; I faced with the most challenging scenario of consolidating data from other business areas with that of financials." is wonky.

The first part "It was while designing profitability planning reports" isn't a complete sentence. And, if you are going to use a semi-colon, it must be.

Moreover, I still have no idea what you accomplished.

Don't use the ampersand for "and". Write the word out. This letter is not meant to be a text message.

Here's what you need to do. Start over. Get rid of the junk. Streamline your letter. Group your topics so that they flow in both topics and chronology.

I am stopping here.

Anonymous · Answer

Architecture is the basic necessity of the modern world or one can say architecture is the core of developing the globe. As a child I was interested in making sketches and portraits of various and developed my interest in the field of art and architecture. Choosing architecture as a line of profession was a well deliberate decision. I have always been keen in finding out the details that leads to complexities so that I can transform the complexities to simplicities. My belief has always been that a solution more complex than a problem is not a solution.

During my undergraduate studies at COMSATS we were taught about different architectural styles from Greek, Colonial, Mayan, Baroque, Mughal, Roman etc to more complex Organic Architecture. Technology was the part of every semester and we covered from brick structures to complex high span structure systems with the knowledge of mechanical, electrical and other fields relating to architecture.

Green Architecture has always been an influence. As an Architect I consider Green as a duty for the earth. Among different taught architectural styles, Islamic Architecture and the Post Modern Architectural style and to some extend the modern architecture were the interests. The functionality and the complexity or simplicity of a space is because of the straight lines that is what I believe in. Frank Lloyd Wright quote Form Follows Function is a great sentence to summarize Architecture.I am more towards the Islamic architectural elements like arches, domes, niches etc as it was to some extend part of almost every architectural style in the olden days. The use of these elements in the new architectural styles would certainly revolutionize the concept. Punctures in the facades with the geometrical shapes and detailing them or ornamenting them like as it was done in the Colonial era would certainly give the building a blend of heritage. It’s not like doing everything in one thing it is like creating one thing from everything.

Among many Favorite Architects I liked the work of Louis Kahn the most. He developed the sort of architecture which was very feasible and on the same time very interesting.
After my graduation result I got a job in a consultant company in Kuwait named as Option-1. I started to work in Option-1 from September 2011 and I am currently working in the same organization. In my professional life up till now I have worked in various projects which were Royal Oman Police Hospital, AUK (American University Of Kuwait) extension, Kuwait Airport and my role was mainly design development and presentation.

For me studying further is a much needed aspect of life. It lets one explore the depth inside oneself. I want to take my knowledge of architecture to the next level and studying abroad is a great choice I can think off. “No problem can be solved at the same level of awareness that created it”; Albert Einstein’s words always circled around me. I wish to assure you, that you can find a diligent, disciplined and a dedicated student in me. I hope that you would give me a chance to prove my mettle and worth in your university and bring laurels to it.

Kindly review my SOP - Your Inputs needed. Please Suggest

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