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Anonymous Posted 12 years ago
KIndly correct my poem
Sealing off
I’ve surrounded myself
In the walls I’ve built
to narrow an entrance,
for light to pass
without reflection
through my heart
and blend into my soul.
I’ve built them through
my sweat and tears
so, you can’t cross them
with an intent to deceive.
Because intentions here
can bleed your dreams.
They can’t rescue you
Cos, they knew a long time ago
How to vanish an evil?
Be aware my friend!
Treading upon purity
You can slip and break
With a heart ache.
I’ve surrounded myself
In the walls I’ve built
to narrow an entrance,
for light to pass
without reflection
through my heart
and blend into my soul.
I’ve built them through
my sweat and tears
so, you can’t cross them
with an intent to deceive.
Because intentions here
can bleed your dreams.
They can’t rescue you
Cos, they knew a long time ago
How to vanish an evil?
Be aware my friend!
Treading upon purity
You can slip and break
With a heart ache.
Top answer
Based current US usage, I'd correct it something like this: Wanting to seal myself off, I've surrounded myself with walls that I've built. The only opening in them is a crack that will just let light through, but not enough to even make a reflection on my heart or even my soul. I've built the walls solidly, the result of much tear-driven toil, so don't expect to get through them.
- Based current US usage, I'd correct it something like this: Wanting to seal myself off, I've surrounded myself with walls that I've built.
- The only opening in them is a crack that will just let light through, but not enough to even make a reflection on my heart or even my soul.
- I've built the walls solidly, the result of much tear-driven toil, so don't expect to get through them.
- I need to protect myself from the deceivers outside, deceivers whose intent is to bleed you of your dreams.
- The walls are my rescue.
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1 Answers
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Based current US usage, I'd correct it something like this:
Wanting to seal myself off,
I've surrounded myself
with walls that I've built.
The only opening in them is a crack
that will just let light through,
but not enough to even make a reflection
on my heart
or even my soul.
I've built the walls solidly,
the result of much tear-driven toil,
so
Wanting to seal myself off,
I've surrounded myself
with walls that I've built.
The only opening in them is a crack
that will just let light through,
but not enough to even make a reflection
on my heart
or even my soul.
I've built the walls solidly,
the result of much tear-driven toil,
so
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