I've just sat the IELTS exam on the 30th of Nov

Question

You guys know what?I got myself bad-prepared for it and I need another exam. That's the result. I decided to do so. This is my writing task 2. You please help me correct it because I will come back to sit an IELTS exam soon. Thank you so much in advance!-----childhood Obesity: causes, effects and solutionsNowadays, a large proportion of children worldwide suffer from obesity which is a critical issue of nations. This essay will discuss the factors that lead to the situation, and the bad impacts it has on obese individuals, their families and human society as well. Therefore, it is necessary to suggest some solutions in order to deal with the problem as effectively as possible. In modern life, When it comes to causes of obesity in young people, there are various reasons that are relatively related to each other. For example, children now is almost equiped with at least a smart device such as a modern TV, an iphone or ipad. Then, they spend almost their free time using the device, instead of going out, doing some exercise or taking part in a sport. They watch TV too much or overuse the device. Also, they now have more food especially junk food and sugary soft drink than before. This means their energy is absorbed more, yet it is consumed less. It is understandable that the abundant energy adds up as adipose tissue in the body until it get obese. In terms of obesity, it causes plenty of bad effects on human lives. First, people who are overweight often feel inconfident. Over time, as a result, they might fall mentally sick such as autosuggestion that they are not good-looking. Second, they are supposed to get heart disease, diabetes or even cancer which are burdens to hospitals that are overloaded already. In fact, everything happens for a reason and so does obesity. According to the given information, obese people have less physical activities, whereas they consume more food. This is why even non-obese people can get overweight over a short period. To solve this prolem,  society, families and especially individuals who are obese or have a potential risk of this disease must join hands.  Governments should raise knowledge of a healthy lifestyle among their citizens. Families should encourage and help their young members organise daily routines with more exercise or sports, more healthy food and less time for modern equipment like iphones.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

jennifertranI ~~got myself~~ was badly prepared for it and I need to re-take the ~~another~~ exam. That's the result. I decided to do so

What score did you receive?

We have given you a lot of feedback in the past.
You probably just need to pay attention to your typical mistakes and practice writing every day.
One does not learn to write well in a short time. It requires a lot of patience and practice.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You need to practice writing good sentences and organizing your essays better.
Look at the component band scores (If they revealed the individual scores) to see where you need to focus your study and practice.
You have good ideas, but poor organization and very limited accuracy in word usage.

Nowadays, a large proportion of children worldwide suffer from obesity which is a critical issue of nations

That is a poorly-structured sentence. Avoid "nowadays". It is informal. Here is a fix:

Children of the world today are much more obese than their parents were when they were growing up. This increasing prevalence of overweight and obese children is of great concern because obese adults have shorter and unhealthy lives.

This essay

Sub-standard essays write opening statements such as "In this essay I will tell you the causes and remedies for childhood obesity."

In American universities, this kind of writing gets you a very poor score. It is not a thesis statement, which states the main point of your essay. I advise people to NEVER use the word "essay" in the first paragraph.

Read the "needs improvement" sentence (examples of poor style) and the way to fix it here:

https://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/writingprocess/thesisstatements

You must learn to write proper thesis statements to improve your score. Here is an example:

Children of the world today are much more obese than their parents were when they were growing up. The increasing percentages of overweight and obese children is of great concern because they will grow up to be unhealthy adults with a shorter life. The change from a traditional to a modern lifestyle is the primary reason, but if parents can be motivated to teach their children healthier ways of living, the trend can be stopped or even reversed.

.will discuss the factors that lead to the situation, and the bad impacts it has on obese individuals, their families and human society as well. Therefore, it is necessary to suggest some solutions in order to deal with the problem as effectively as possible.

(You need to change this.)

In modern life, (No. Avoid these kinds of phrases.) When it comes to causes of obesity in young people, there are various reasons that are ~~relatively~~ related to each other. For example, children now is (wrong form - children = plural ) almost equiped with (Wrong phrase) at least a smart device such as a modern TV, (Do people carry a TV in their pocket or purse?) an iphone or ipad. Then, they spend almost their free time using the device, instead of going out, doing some exercise or taking part in a sport. They watch TV too much or overuse the device. Also, they now have more food especially junk food and sugary soft drink (One drink?) than before. This means their energy is absorbed more, yet it is consumed less. (That makes no sense.) It is understandable that the abundant energy adds up as adipose tissue in the body until it get obese. (Very awkward, with improper usage of vocabulary)

Excess calories, especially fats and sugars, are stored in the body as adipose tissue. This is a natural biological response, since in the days when humans were in small bands of hunter-gatherers, food was often very scarce. Mammals, including **** sapiens, store calories as body fat, to be expended when there is little available to eat. However, there is no time now when food, especially fast food, is scarce. So this natural bodily defence against starvation is now working against us; we eat large high-fat and high-sugar meals and we gain weight in the form of fat.

In terms of obesity, it causes plenty of (Too informal. Do not use "plenty of" in academic essays.) bad effects on human lives. First, people who are overweight often feel inconfident. Over time, as a result, they might fall mentally sick such as autosuggestion (Poor English) that they are not good-looking. Second, they are supposed to get (Wrong usage. students are supposed to do their homework. We are not supposed to get sick!) heart disease, diabetes or even cancer which are burdens to hospitals that are overloaded already.

In fact, everything happens for a reason and so does obesity. According to the given information, (What information are you talking about??) obese people have less physical activities, and ~~whereas~~ they consume more food. This is why even non-obese people can get overweight over a short period. To solve this prolem, society, families and especially individuals who are obese or have a potential risk of this disease must join hands. Governments should raise awareness ~~knowledge~~ of a healthy lifestyle among their citizens. Families should encourage and help their young members organise daily routines with more exercise or sports, more healthy food and less time for modern equipment like iphones.

You need a concluding paragraph that summarizes the main points of your essay.

I've just sat the IELTS exam on the 30th of Nov

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions