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Cboutin3 Posted 12 years ago
Grammar
Is this sentence worded in the best way?
Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened with the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of light, while at the same time emissaries from Impiltur spread word across Faerûn about the Cult of the Dragon establishing secret strongholds where dracoliches were spawned.
Top answer
In my opinion, you have packed into one sentence too much information for the reader to assimilate easily. Compare this. eg Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened with the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of ligh.
- In my opinion, you have packed into one sentence too much information for the reader to assimilate easily.
- Compare this.
- eg Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened with the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of ligh.
- A t the same time emissaries from Impiltur spread word across Faerûn about the Cult of the Dragon establishing secret strongholds where dracoliches were spawned.
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6 Answers
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In my opinion, you have packed into one sentence too much information for the reader to assimilate easily.
Compare this.
eg
Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened with the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of ligh. At the same tim
Compare this.
eg
Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened with the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of ligh. At the same tim
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Thanks for your help and I see what you mean, but I want to make it clear that Sammaster felt his plans were threatened by both those events. Any ideas on how I could revise the sentence to make it clearer and better?
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Perhaps you might begin thus.
Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened by two events.
Clive
Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened by two events.
Clive
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How are these two revision options?
1. Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened due to the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of light while at the same time emissaries from Impiltur spread word across Faerûn about the Cult of the Dragon establishing secret strongholds where dracoliches were spawned.
2. Sammaster realized that his plans were threatene
1. Sammaster realized that his plans were threatened due to the metallic dragons emerging from seclusion to aid the forces of light while at the same time emissaries from Impiltur spread word across Faerûn about the Cult of the Dragon establishing secret strongholds where dracoliches were spawned.
2. Sammaster realized that his plans were threatene
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I know I do, I'm sorry, but I see what you mean and I will definitely split up the sentence into two.
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