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Anonymous Posted 13 years ago
Is this poem any good?
The Trip
For the trip, for a trip
He’d toss and turn for all of it
Restless for a spin,
Restless cause the edge is still in him.
Broken moral code, for that acid that soon passes
For love of this odd feeling, the thrill of the odd feeling
Absorbed in this odd feeling, this beautifully odd feeling
Trapped in a vivid space of mind, laced with increase sense of mind,
Intrigued now is he, how his brain works like a whizz works.
How he lingers in thought, the thoughts of which he bought,
His mind races, struggle to keep up with its fast pacing- it’s aimless,
But for his sanity for which he feels he’s constantly chasing,
Again another mind trick-trap, ticking in his consciousness
His hobbies couldn’t conquer this
For the love of acid,
The acid that soon passes,
Grasp at the acid that traps- grab him,
Not considered about his physical state,
His psyche remains the same,
For his pupils are as wide as his iris is
And his eyes widens as he glazes longer and longer,
And everything that surrounds him,
Crawling and creeping, to the speed of his motion.
Trying to catch up for his mind is wide open.
And everything that surrounds him,
Flashing colours, tasting colours- for a trip, for a trip.
The struggles he endure it burdens him no more.
The illusion that time that has passed has been more than it seems.
These are the effects that lapses time
Lost in the track of time,
For a trip, for a trip
But for a trip
Just to unwind this active mind- all that’s clogging up the mind,
All what’s locking up inside, denying, denying his demise
Fiddling and fighting- excited by his demise.
The acid excites him, at its purest its inviting.
Drifting in and out of realms
Sifting through the mindless swells,
For a trip, he’d fulfil his flesh just to neglect his soul,
But for a trip, for a trip
For the trip, for a trip
He’d toss and turn for all of it
Restless for a spin,
Restless cause the edge is still in him.
Broken moral code, for that acid that soon passes
For love of this odd feeling, the thrill of the odd feeling
Absorbed in this odd feeling, this beautifully odd feeling
Trapped in a vivid space of mind, laced with increase sense of mind,
Intrigued now is he, how his brain works like a whizz works.
How he lingers in thought, the thoughts of which he bought,
His mind races, struggle to keep up with its fast pacing- it’s aimless,
But for his sanity for which he feels he’s constantly chasing,
Again another mind trick-trap, ticking in his consciousness
His hobbies couldn’t conquer this
For the love of acid,
The acid that soon passes,
Grasp at the acid that traps- grab him,
Not considered about his physical state,
His psyche remains the same,
For his pupils are as wide as his iris is
And his eyes widens as he glazes longer and longer,
And everything that surrounds him,
Crawling and creeping, to the speed of his motion.
Trying to catch up for his mind is wide open.
And everything that surrounds him,
Flashing colours, tasting colours- for a trip, for a trip.
The struggles he endure it burdens him no more.
The illusion that time that has passed has been more than it seems.
These are the effects that lapses time
Lost in the track of time,
For a trip, for a trip
But for a trip
Just to unwind this active mind- all that’s clogging up the mind,
All what’s locking up inside, denying, denying his demise
Fiddling and fighting- excited by his demise.
The acid excites him, at its purest its inviting.
Drifting in and out of realms
Sifting through the mindless swells,
For a trip, he’d fulfil his flesh just to neglect his soul,
But for a trip, for a trip
Top answer
Your poem has some good moments in it, and I like the rhythm that it generate: very reminiscent of an acid trip. Where it falls down are the places where you choose rhyme over sense, and then you lose both the mood and your reader. It also needs paring down with a stern pen.
- Your poem has some good moments in it, and I like the rhythm that it generate: very reminiscent of an acid trip.
- Where it falls down are the places where you choose rhyme over sense, and then you lose both the mood and your reader.
- It also needs paring down with a stern pen.
- Poetry is about using just the right words and no more.
- Worked through and polished carefully, this could be a very good poem.
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2 Answers
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Your poem has some good moments in it, and I like the rhythm that it generate: very reminiscent of an acid trip. Where it falls down are the places where you choose rhyme over sense, and then you lose both the mood and your reader. It also needs paring down with a stern pen. Poetry is about using just the right words and no more.
Worked through and polished carefully, this could be a v
Worked through and polished carefully, this could be a v
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I like the psychedelic vibe of the poem. What bothered me a lot while reading it was your constant word repetition. In the second stanza, you used "feeling" four times. Using it twice would have already been overkill, especially since it is quite a powerful word. Remember the proverb: less is more.
When I first read the sentence:
Trapped in a vivid space of mind, laced with incre
When I first read the sentence:
Trapped in a vivid space of mind, laced with incre
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