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Cboutin3 Posted 12 years ago
Grammar

Is this passage all worded correctly?

During the War of Souls in 421 AC, Beryllinthranox continued her schemes against the elves, and became considerably interested when she learned of Palin’s arrival in Qualinesti and that he was in possession of a powerful magical artifact known as the Device of Time Journeying. Sending her draconian servant Groul to liaise with the Dark Knight commander Alexius Medan in order to have the head of the Qualinesti Queen Mother, Laurana Kanan, brought before her, along with the artifact, Beryllinthranox also plotted to have her minions march on Qualinost, the elven capital city. Meanwhile, Beryllinthranox and her forces attacked the Citadel of Light on the island of Schallsea, and devastated the area in a failed attempt to acquire the time-traveling device.
  

Top answer

cboutin3 Sending her draconian servant Groul to liaise with the Dark Knight commander Alexius Medan in order to have the head of the Qualinesti Queen Mother, Laurana Kanan, brought before her, along with the artifact, Beryllinthranox also plotted to have her minions march on Qualinost, the elven capital city Much too much here. By that, I mean the appositives giving us too many commas to deal with. I, for one, cannot determine the simple subject and the simple verb in this sentence, which is probably a run-on.

— Philip

  • cboutin3 Sending her draconian servant Groul to liaise with the Dark Knight commander Alexius Medan in order to have the head of the Qualinesti Queen Mother, Laurana Kanan, brought before her, along with the artifact, Beryllinthranox also plotted to have her minions march on Qualinost, the elven capital city Much too much here.
  • By that, I mean the appositives giving us too many commas to deal with.
  • I, for one, cannot determine the simple subject and the simple verb in this sentence, which is probably a run-on.
  • The comma between 'Schallsea' and 'and' isn't necessary.
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3 Answers
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cboutin3Sending her draconian servant Groul to liaise with the Dark Knight commander Alexius Medan in order to have the head of the Qualinesti Queen Mother, Laurana Kanan, brought before her, along with the artifact, Beryllinthranox also plotted to have her minions march on Qualinost, the elven capital city
Much too much here. By that, I mean the appositives
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Thanks, I was sure this particular sentence needed work. How is this revision? Beryllinthranox sent her draconian servant Groul to liaise with the Dark Knight commander Alexius Medan in order to have both the head of the Qualinesti Queen Mother, Laurana Kanan, and the artifact brought before her, while she also plotted to have her minions march on Qualinost, the elven capital city.
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