Is this paragraph coherent?

Question

The vernacular of Uldur was pedagogical in its aesthetics, the likes of which befitted the monasteries of Thuth or even Aäe. The edifices atop the archaic architecture fermented a fertile plethora of creative thought through which two images in my mind merged into one tapestry on which the senators of Uldur stood shrouded in toga virilises. The Latinate lexis carved into the murals above the athenaeum was akin to the laments etched into urns of noble Knights whom guarded the kingdom of Uldur before the sundering of Foth. Rumour has it that the steadfast Knights of Uldur stood watch over their kingdom for centuries only to turn into stone at the hand of the element: Earth. The rapidity with which the other elements manifested was no match for Earth and it is for this reason that I must tread carefully in fear of awakening the stone Knights once more.

On a scale of 1 to 10, where would this be? How could I improve it? I'm trying to write properly and so I hope this doesn't read like I have a thesaurus at hand.

Blue Jay · Accepted Answer

It is not at all clear. For example, the first sentence:
The vernacular of Uldur was pedagogical in its aesthetics, the likes of which befitted the monasteries of Thuth or even Aäe.
I presume that Uldur, Thuth and Aäe are places. I know what the other words mean individually, but I really don't know exactly what you are trying to say. Would you like to explain the intended meaning of the sentence, and we'll go from there?

Anonymous · Answer

The buildings of Uldur were like the buildings of Ancient Rome where Senators resided. The fabrication of the buildings were symmetrical and the laws of mathematics were relied on greatly in their construction. The white marble symbolizes academia. Timeless, eternal , perfect  - like many of university buildings etc

Blue Jay · Answer

That's much clearer.
Your opening sentence begins The vernacular of Uldur was pedagogical in its aesthetics.
Here are the meanings of the words (from the online Oxford Dictionary):
The vernacular: The language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people of a country or region.
Pedagogical: Relating to teaching.
Aesthetics: A set of principles concerned with the nature and appreciation of beauty. The branch of philosophy which deals with questions of beauty and artistic taste.

So we might understand the original sentence to mean The everyday language of the people of Uldur was related to teaching in its understanding of beauty/ the characteristics that defined its beauty. You see why this doesn't make sense?
The whole passage is full of sentences that don't quite make sense. It is not painful to read, like your earlier piece, but it is still too impenetrable. Why don't you get out your dictionary and check the meanings of your more obscure words, and make sure they are appropriate in the context?

Anonymous · Answer

Vernacular also means

adjective

1.

(of language) spoken as one's mother tongue; not learned or imposed as a second language.
2.

(of architecture) concerned with domestic and functional rather than public buildings.

In this context, I use 2.

Essentially I used vernacular to mean, architecture but more expansive, encompassing the architecture of all buildings within the region of Uldur, much like 'style' or 'overall effect of the iterations of one particular style'. Here is X, within X there are Y and Z. Both Y and Z are different variations of X.' I hope that makes more sense to you.

To me the sentence reads:

the [overall appearance given by many iterations of one particular style] was related to the [teaching of such beauty as the golden ratio and divine proportion] ...

The sentence makes sense to me, in my own mind. Others, however, cannot see the illusive information that constitutes to the meaning of the word as I understand it, as opposed to the 'correct' definition.

Does that make sense?

Blue Jay · Answer

AnonymousVernacular also means adjective 1.(of language) spoken as one's mother tongue; not learned or imposed as a second language. 2.(of architecture) concerned with domestic and functional rather than public buildings.In this context, I use 2.

The problem with that is that you used it as a noun. As a noun, it only refers to language. In connection with architecture it can only be used as an adjective. You could say The vernacular architecture of Uldur was... and it would have the meaning you want.

Pedagogical means related to the act or process of teaching, so you can have pedagogical skills (skills related to teaching people) or pedagogical methods (ways to teach people) or pedagogical theories (ideas about how to teach). You can't use pedagogical to mean related to the things taught by a certain group of people, or related to the things taught on certain subjects.

AnonymousTo me the sentence reads: the [overall appearance given by many iterations of one particular style] was related to the [teaching of such beauty as the golden ratio and divine proportion] ... The sentence makes sense to me, in my own mind. Others, however, cannot see the illusive information that constitutes to the meaning of the word as I understand it, as opposed to the 'correct' definition.

I understand the idea you are trying to convey, now you've explained it, but your original sentence doesn't express it in a way that will be readily understood. If you step too far from the accepted use of a word no one will be able to guess what you mean.

Is this paragraph coherent?

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