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Peter Donnelly Posted 11 years ago
Grammar
Is this opening any good?
It was a bright sunny day in July. Rachel Pearson, aged thirteen, was walking to school, her long dark hair waving in the gentle breeze.
As she turned a corner she saw a boy in her class coming towards her. At first she didn't recognise him, as he looked slightly different today. His name was Peter Bumby.
'Good morning Mr Bumby,' she greeted him when they met.
'Good morning Miss Pearson,' he replied, blushing.
'You look very smart today,' Rachel continued, eyeing him up and down, eventually resting her gaze on his grey flannel trousers.
'Thank you,' said Peter awkwardly.
'Mr Bumby,' asked Rachel, 'are those new trousers?'
'Yes Miss Pearson,' said Peter.
'They're lovely,' she went on. 'I think grey suits you. '
Peter usually wore blue trousers to school, as did most boys, though grey was also allowed. He wore his new ones fastened with a black belt, together with his normal white shirt, which was neatly tucked in, and navy tie with yellow stripes. He also wore polished black shoes. He was big and tall, and his new trousers complemented his long legs as he briskly walked along.
As she turned a corner she saw a boy in her class coming towards her. At first she didn't recognise him, as he looked slightly different today. His name was Peter Bumby.
'Good morning Mr Bumby,' she greeted him when they met.
'Good morning Miss Pearson,' he replied, blushing.
'You look very smart today,' Rachel continued, eyeing him up and down, eventually resting her gaze on his grey flannel trousers.
'Thank you,' said Peter awkwardly.
'Mr Bumby,' asked Rachel, 'are those new trousers?'
'Yes Miss Pearson,' said Peter.
'They're lovely,' she went on. 'I think grey suits you. '
Peter usually wore blue trousers to school, as did most boys, though grey was also allowed. He wore his new ones fastened with a black belt, together with his normal white shirt, which was neatly tucked in, and navy tie with yellow stripes. He also wore polished black shoes. He was big and tall, and his new trousers complemented his long legs as he briskly walked along.
Top answer
A minor point. I would use the past perfect here: At first she had n't recognised him... Otherwise it's fine.
- A minor point.
- I would use the past perfect here: At first she had n't recognised him...
- Otherwise it's fine.
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7 Answers
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A minor point. I would use the past perfect here: At first she hadn't recognised him...
Otherwise it's fine.
Otherwise it's fine.
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Is it normal for 13-year-old children to call each other "Mr" and "Miss" where you are?
Would you like to hear the modern American equivalent of that dialogue?
Would you like to hear the modern American equivalent of that dialogue?
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BarbaraPAIs it normal for 13-year-old children to call each other "Mr" and "Miss" where you are?Perhaps the short story is set in Victorian times - upper class, of course.
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I started there, but then, a 13-year-old girl wouldn't be walking by herself, would she?
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BarbaraPAI started there, but then, a 13-year-old girl wouldn't be walking by herself, would she?The story does not say she is by herself.
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That's a fair point. But I wonder how many upper-class schools in the Victorian era had girls and boys attending together.
I also just noticed that she is walking to school in July. Also something that would not happen here.
The writing is fine - it's just not very plausible.
I also just noticed that she is walking to school in July. Also something that would not happen here.
The writing is fine - it's just not very plausible.
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BarbaraPAThe writing is fine - it's just not very plausible.I agree.
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