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Cboutin3 Posted 12 years ago
Grammar

Is this lengthy sentence all good or any suggestions on how to break it into two?

Disguising himself as a Silvanesti mage named Glaucous, Cyan worked with the elf Rillion Dawnbringer, whom he had encountered and corrupted during the Summer of Chaos, to persuade the Military Governor Reyl Konnal to approve their plans for the Silvanesti Shield: a magical shield that would keep outsiders out of the elven nation, while secretly draining the energy of all others living within it.
  

Top answer

It's a little long, but everything "works". You could use a period rather than the colon. "

— Philip

  • It's a little long, but everything "works".
  • You could use a period rather than the colon.
  • "
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3 Answers
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It's a little long, but everything "works". You could use a period rather than the colon. Begin the final sentence with "This shield..."
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Thanks, I actually decided to revise the passage slightly so does this all work? Disguising himself as a Silvanesti mage named Glaucous, Cyan worked with the elf Rillion Dawnbringer, whom he had encountered and corrupted during the Summer of Chaos, to persuade the
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