Is this correct?

Question

After having spoken with him, I decided it best to go and visit his son, who is by all means the heir to his fortune, and tell him of the sickness that had befallen me. Like her, he too, knows of my pains, and may therefore, be able to assist me in what most certainly is a situation unlike any other I have experienced till now. My good friend, Ian, shall provide me with his assistance, to which my faithful servant will agree, and perhaps bare their own requests as to the nature of our predicament, and to much of which I shall have to agree, else my greed may take from me that which I value above all, namely, the love I have for them.

Does it sound ok? I am Swedish and am trying to improve my English.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

AnonymousIs this correct?

No. It is so stilted that I got lost in the middle. We have 'him', 'his son', 'her', 'Ian', and 'my servant' and it is impossible to see how they can all get into the scene comfortably. Is this what you mean?—

After speaking with him, I decided to go and visit his son, the heir to his fortune, and tell him about my illness. Like her, he too knows of my pain and may therefore be able to help me in my unique situation. My good friend Ian will also help me, as will my faithful servant, and they will perhaps make their own requests regarding our predicament, which I shall have to agree to, else my greed will destroy what I value above all—my love for them.

Deadrat · Answer

Mr M is right about the cast of characters. There are too few antecedents for your pronouns.

AnonymousAfter having spoken with him, I decided it best to go and visit his son, who is by all means the heir to his fortune,

Better: After having spoken with Sven, I decided it best ....

LIke her? Who's she?

Anonymousunlike any other I have experienced till now.

It it's unlike any other you've experienced, that would include till now, so you can drop those two words.

Anonymousbare their own requests

Do you mean "bare" as in reveal their own requests or "bear" as in carry: "bear their own to our friends"?

Anonymoushe love I have for them.

Whom do you love? Ian and your faithful servant?

But I disagree with Mr M about your prose being stilted. Since I enjoyed it as the opening to a short story, I was intrigued by the language which is slightly archaic in diction and more formal than modern conversation would allow. If you're just trying to practice informal English, you've got some way to go. If you say

AnonymousMy good friend, Ian, shall provide me with his assistance

people will ask, "Do you mean that your friend will help you?"

AnonymousMy good friend, Ian, shall provide me with his assistance, to which my faithful servant will agree

Perhaps I'm reading too much into your prose. But I hear the faint echo of a servant who will be slightly disappointed that his efforts aren't deemed sufficient, but who nevertheless will agree without demur to pull in harness with Ian because his fidelity permits nothing else.

Is this correct?

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