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This is the beginning of a narrative writing piece, is it correct?

The Gift

John Stevens stepped into the lift just as a police officer pursuing him walked by. Letting out a controlled sigh of relief, John took a moment to inspect his reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a black, tailored suit, with his appropriately coloured blood-red tie perfectly aligned with the centre of his body. Newly-ironed black trousers stopped just before reaching the shoes below. The shoes were expertly made and shone slightly in the artificial lights of the lift, as did Stevens’ naturally bald head.

Of course, John Stevens was not his name; it was the name of the accountant that was face down in the river Thames, a knife in his back and two large bricks tied to his feet.

Thanks in advance.

Enoon · Accepted Answer

Jack Churchillhis is the beginning of a narrative writing piece, is it correct?

There are problems.

Jack ChurchillJohn Stevens stepped into the lift just as a police officer pursuing him walked by.

Lucky for him that this officer was blind and couldn't move out of a walk.

Jack ChurchillLetting out a controlled sigh of relief, John took a moment to inspect his reflection in the mirror.

What mirror?

Jack Churchill He was wearing a black, tailored suit, with his appropriately coloured blood-red tie perfectly aligned with the centre of his body.

I'd lose the comma after "black", because it is not a suit that is both black and tailored, it is a tailored suit that is black. Delete "appropriately coloured", because it insults the reader's intelligence. Let the blood speak for itself.

Jack ChurchillNewly-ironed black trousers stopped just before reaching the shoes below.

High-waters! He should sue that tailor. Trousers break once at the shoe.

Jack ChurchillThe shoes were expertly made and shone slightly in the artificial lights of the lift, as did Stevens’ naturally bald head.

Stevens's

Jack ChurchillOf course, John Stevens was not his name; it was the name of the accountant that was face down in the river Thames, a knife in his back and two large bricks tied to his feet.

He was face-down in the river how? I can't picture it. With weight tied to his feet, I guess he's on the bottom, so you should say that. And bricks are pretty much of a size. I wonder where our anti-hero got large ones. They'd have to be awfully large to sink a body. How about cobblestones or breeze-blocks, instead? Also, the plot had better reveal why the murderer took the time and trouble to fiddle with masonry and rope and yet worked around the knife. If it was me, I'd be inclined to pull it out just to cut the rope I tied the weight on with.

Jack Churchill · Answer

Is this better?

The Gift
John Orford stepped into the lift just as a police officer pursuing him rounded the corner. Letting out a controlled sigh of relief, John took a moment to inspect his reflection in the mirror opposite him. He was wearing a tailored black suit, with his appropriately coloured blood-red tie perfectly aligned with the centre of his body. Newly-ironed black trousers stopped just as they reached the shoes below. The shoes were expertly made and shone slightly in the artificial lights of the lift, as did Orford’s naturally bald head.
Of course, John Orford was not his name; it was the name of the accountant that was at the bottom of the river Thames, a knife wound in his back and two large breeze-blocks tied to his feet.

Enoon · Answer

Jack ChurchillIs this better?

Yes.

Jack ChurchillJohn Orford stepped into the lift just as a police officer pursuing him rounded the corner.

the police officer

Jack ChurchillLetting out a controlled sigh of relief, John took a moment to inspect his reflection in the mirror opposite him.

in the polished steel door

Jack Churchilltwo large breeze-blocks

Delete "large". It's distracting. We don't care what size they were.

Jack Churchill · Answer

Thank you again.

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