Is this a clear opening paragraph?

Question

This essay summarises key points made by Jean-Francois Trape et al in relation to three areas, namely malaria morbidity, mosquito populations, and asymptomatic infections. In particular, the extent to which such areas have changed after the introduction of insecticide treated bednets (LLINs) and artemisinin-based combination therapies (ACTs).

is this clear and concise? can it be written any better?

Thanks teachers.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

This essay summarises key points made by Jean-Francois Trape et al in relation to three areas, namely malaria morbidity, mosquito populations, and asymptomatic infections. In particular, the extent to which such areas have changed after the introduction of insecticide treated bednets (LLINs) and artemisinin-based combination therapies (ACTs).

is this clear and concise? can it be written any better?

Thanks teachers.

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousThis essay summarises

Frankly, I'm not fond of self-referential comments like this. It's clear that this is an essay; there's no need to say so. If you summarize the points successfully in the essay, it will be clear that it's a summary. The Latin et al (and others) doesn't really fit here. Note also that the second part In particular, ... (ACTs) is a sentence fragment. It has no main verb. I'd try something more like this:

Jean-Francois Trape and his co-authors addressed three key points in [name of the work you're summarizing]: malaria morbidity, ... infections. Of particular interest is the extent to which ... therapies (ACTs).

CJ

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Anonymous · Answer

I have a problem with your sentence. It uses the active voice, and I was told to use the passive voice.

Would this be OK?

Three key areas were discussed by Jean-Francois Trape and his co-authors addressed in [name of the work you're summarizing]: malaria morbidity, ... infections. Of particular interest is the extent to which ... therapies (ACTs).

I feel like there should be a comma after interest? Could you confirm this?

Alternatively, I could just write this:

Key points were made by Jean-Francois Trape et al in [name of work] in relation to three areas, namely malaria morbidity, mosquito populations, and asymptomatic infections; in particular, the extent to which such areas have changed after the introduction of insecticide-treated bed nets (LLINs) and artemisinin-based combination therapies (ACTs) in the village of Dielmo, Senegal.

I also don't like how I use the word area to refer to those three things: mosquito populations.. etc. It's not very clear. Is there a better word to describe them?

Thanks.

Anonymous · Answer

Just wanted a little help regarding which tenses I should use in this paragraph:

Three key areas were/are/have been discussed by Jean-Francois Trape and his co-authors addressed in [name of the work you're summarizing]: malaria morbidity, mosquito populations, and asymptomatic infections. Of particular interest is the extent to which such areas have changed after the introduction of insecticide-treated bed nets (LLINs) and artemisinin-based combination therapies (ACTs) in the village of Dielmo, Senegal.

I am writing an essay based on an article. In this article, the author uses the passive tense. I was told to use the present tense in academic writing!

I'm a little confused, teachers.

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousI have a problem with your sentence. It uses the active voice, and I was told to use the passive voice.

That's amazing. Most of the time we are told to avoid the passive voice.

AnonymousWould this be OK?
Three key areas were discussed by Jean-Francois Trape and his co-authors ~~addressed~~ in [name of the work you're summarizing]: malaria morbidity, ... infections. Of particular interest is the extent to which ... therapies (ACTs).

It's OK if you remove "addressed" because you've already substituted "discussed".

AnonymousI feel like there should be a comma after interest? Could you confirm this?

No. You can't put a comma there.

AnonymousAlternatively, I could just write this:
Key points were made by Jean-Francois Trape et al in [name of work] in relation to three areas, namely malaria morbidity, mosquito populations, and asymptomatic ~~infections;~~ infections, in particular, the extent to which such areas have changed after the introduction of insecticide-treated bed nets (LLINs) and artemisinin-based combination therapies (ACTs) in the village of Dielmo, Senegal.

Yes, you could write that. You need a comma, though, and not a semi-colon, after 'infections'. You cannot leave a sentence fragment hanging there after a semi-colon.

AnonymousI also don't like how I use the word area to refer to those three things

topics? factors? phenomena?

You might try a thesaurus to find other possibilities.

CJ

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousI was told to use the present tense in academic writing!

Then you'll need Three key areas are discussed by ....

CJ

Anonymous · Answer

Does it matter which tense I use? Is is left to my own (the author's) discretion, or are there rules I must follow? Which tense would you use in my example? Thanks.

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousDoes it matter which tense I use?

Not to me!

AnonymousIs it left to my own (the author's) discretion, or are there rules I must follow?

Only you know that. If this is an assignment, follow your instructors suggestions.

AnonymousWhich tense would you use in my example?

I would probably use the present tense when discussing the article itself, but if I had to describe particular procedures that people did in that African setting, I would probably use the past for that.

I can't give a blanket answer for the whole essay. This is a case where you'll have to do the best you can and learn from the experience.

CJ

Anonymous · Answer

Just wanted to know one last thing:

Does the 'that is..' clause make sense?

Malaria morbidity, that is mortality due to malaria, is first discussed by the author to have increased by up to six times during the 1990s.

Thanks.

CalifJim · Answer

AnonymousDoes the 'that is..' clause make sense?

Yes, but it needs another comma. Malaria morbidity, that is, mortality due to malaria, ...
Do you really need to define that for the audience you're writing for?

Anonymousis first discussed by the author to have increased

"discussed ... to have increased" is not grammatical.

Why not write this?

According to the author, mortality due to malaria has increased by ....

CJ

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