Is there anything about this I should change?

Question

Trey zooms around a corner, then screeches the van to a halt as he sees two gangsters ahead. He slams the van in reverse, and starts backing away from their bullets - crushing a gangster who was on his tail against a wall.

Is there anything about this I should change? Does it read well? Thanks.

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

anonymousDoes it read well?

I can only tell you how it struck me as I read it.

Trey zooms around a corner, then screeches the van to a halt as he sees two gangsters ahead. He slams the van in reverse, and starts backing away from their bullets - crushing a gangster who was on his tail against a wall.

Is there anything about this I should change? Does it read well? Thanks.

He slams the van in reverse, and starts backing away [OK. Back on track. So far, so good] from their bullets [Hey! Where did the bullets come from all of a sudden? There was nothing about the two guys having guns.] - crushing a gangster [Where did he come from?] who was on his tail [Why didn't we know this already?] against a wall. [His tail was against a wall? Whaa? — Back up and figure this out. Oh! "crushed against a wall". But why "a" wall? Why not "the" wall?]

CJ

Is there anything about this I should change?

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