Is there any one could help me to review my motivation letter?

Question

Hello all,

I'm from China. Now I'm preparing to apply for a diploma of engineer in France via an website called N+I. It is a kind of organization gathering many institutions together and will inspect all the applicants materials first. After they consider all the materials are completed and actual. They will open the information I submited online (including the motivation letter, CV, Professional Plan, Referenc letter, Academic grades,etc) to all the institutions. Then I will have a chance to be accepted by any instition.

Below is motivation letter I just finished, I know there are already some similar topics. Still I am expecting someone could help me to reivew if the motivation is clear enough and the letter has a logical construction. You will be highly apprecicated if you could have me a hand on it!

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Dear Sir or Madam,

Greetings from Cheng Ying in China.

As wishing to earn a Diploma of Engineer (Diplome d'Ingenieur) in France, I’m writing to apply for acceptance of a member institution of N+I. I have made this decision after thoughtful consideration. I believe that to earn a Diploma of Engineer in N+I institutions could help me to acquire cutting-edge expertise in automation area, thus to make me scale higher academic and professional goals in my future career.

I got a Bachelor Degree of Engineering in 2003 from Nanjing university of Science & Technology. My major is Automation, which focuses on Traditional & Modern Control theory, Distributed System Control, Process Control, etc. Also I have experience in SCM programming, Series-Parallel Communication, I2C Bus Control in Graduation Project. After graduated, I started work in LG Electronics (Monitor Factory in China) with the job of GAM—Global Account Management—to represent my company to coordinate with the valuable foreign OEM customers as project leader to push new projects and help to maintain the manufacture quality. Due to my outstanding performance, I was offered oversea training opportunities in South Korea for HPI—High potential Individual.

However, through work in the production lines dealing with manufacture process control problems, I came to recognize my knowledge is limited in many areas such as manufacture system built, control and management, quality control based on data gathering and process monitoring, etc. Therefore, I plan to further an advanced study of automation to learn more in those topics, so that I could be a professional engineer in China after graduation. Then with several years experience as an automation engineer, I could become an international product engineer or manufacture engineer as I am expecting.

More importantly, nowadays in China, a diploma of engineer earned in France is very valuable and useful since France represents the advanced systemic education of engineers and also because the campus of French institutions are epitome of the world, students could meet people from almost every corner of the world and it’s easy to know many different cultures and that makes students to have a good understanding of the world. Beside of the program itself, I think French is the most beautiful language in the world, which pushes me to go to France to study.

From the Internet, I find that the Diploma of Engineer provide by N+I member institution can help me greatly in field I want. To take advantage of your admirable faculty and immense resource will definitely give me the best chance of boosting my study and research. Moreover, the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help to me.

Frankly speaking, I think that I haven’t made full use of my intellectual capabilities. Thus I’m eager to see how I will perform myself and what I can achieve if placed in the most favorable condition. I would really appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered very seriously before I decided to send this application. I understand that admission to your intuitions is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!!

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
Email Removed
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I'm looking forward for any comment from you!
Thanks!

Rosemary
10/25/2004

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

faux,

If this letter is being submitted to an institution in France, shouldn't be in French?

Some quick comments:

- Your letter is wordy

- You have too many acronyms (GAM, OEM, SCM, HPI etc.)

If you haven't already done so, please review Nadine's letter in this forum.

On the whole, your English is quite good, though you do need some improvements.

Let's do this:

1) Tell me if you need to write in English or French. If French, I can't help you.

2) Try rewriting but be less wordy or use less acronyms

3) Please show me your outline.

MountainHiker

Faux_air · Answer

Hi Mountainhiker,

Really thank you very much for your reply. My target date to post is arround 3rd,Nov.
Yeap, you are quite right that my letter is too long, which causes me headache. Actually, as required, it should not be more than 2500 characters, but my original one was over 6000 characters, what you saw is already modified.

1) The letter needn't be in French, English is also OK for them
2) I feel I wrote too much in the first and the last paragraph.But I don't know how to shorten. Coz, I'd like to write politely.
3) For acronyms, I have no idea. If I deleted them, how can I tell what I want tell. I am confused in this point.
4) outline is as below for your reference:

1. Who I am; what I want to apply; why apply for that.

2. Detailed personal information
2-1 Academic experience (what I learned from my major)
2-2 Work experience (What did I do and achieve)

3. The reason why I wanna further my study in the major of Automation
3-1 What limitation I found during work
3-2 what is my job target, which leads me to further study on Automation

4. Why choose France to go to study
4-1 Diploma of engineer educaiton in France is unique and valuable
4-2 Multinational enviroment benefits me also--> internationlize me
4-3 Beautiful French

5. Why choose N+I Porgram
5-1 sufficient facility and experienced faculty
5-2 Reasonable and effective semesters arrangement

6. Summarize what I said above
Thank you for they reading and hope to be accepted.

I think the constructure is logical and reasonable. Still, my expressions might be too completed but not compendious.

Thanks again, Mountainhiker!

Wishes

Rosemary Cheng
10/26/2004

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I. I want to further strengthen my strong technical skills by acquiring cutting-edge expertise in automation and (anything else?). [this is a bit shorter and more direct, no?]

I graduated with a Bachelor Degree of Engineering in 2003 from Nanjing University of Science & Technology. My major was automation. Thus I have a strong background in such topics as control theory, distributed systems control, and process control.[1] Moreover, I have experience in programming and communications. After graduation, I worked for LG Electronics at their monitor factory in China in the capacity of Global Account Manager. My primary function was represent my company and to coordinate with the foreign original equipment manafacturers, our customers, in order to push new projects and help to maintain the quality. Because of my outstanding performance, I was offered oversea training opportunities in South Korea as a high potential individual. I am proud of both my academic and work related achievements.

Next paragaraph.

There, that seems less wordy and more direct. We don't use 'etc' and other stuff. We got rid of much of the technical mumbo jumbo. They assume you're bright.

Note:

1) I am still not happy with this sentence. Perhaps you can play with it and improve it.

See if you can take a scalpel to the rest of your essay and trim away the fat.

Hope this exercise helps.

MountainHiker

Faux_air · Answer

Hi, I just modifed it. But now I cannot continus to simplize it while facing what I wrote.
In my eyes, all of the words are useful. I know they are not as useful as I think, but I cannot stopping feeling that. I need your help, dear MountainHiker! In my letter,I'm trying to express my idea completedly and accurately that makes me hard to remove so many adj. , adv. and clauses.

------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir or Madam,

Greetings from Cheng Ying in China.

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I. I believe the N+I program could help me to further strengthen my strong technical skills by acquiring cutting-edge expertise in automation and allowing me to scale higher academic and professional goals in my future career.

I graduated with a Bachelor Degree of Engineering in 2003 from Nanjing University of Science & Technology. My major was automation. Thus I have a strong background in such topics as control theory, distributed systems control, and process control. (1)Moreover, I have experience in single chip machine programming and Series-Parallel Communications.After graduation, I worked for LG Electronics at their monitor factory to represent my company and to coordinate with the foreign Customers as Original Equipment Manufacturer, in order to push new projects and help to maintain the quality. Because of my outstanding performance, I was offered oversea training opportunities in South Korea as a high potential individual. I am proud of both my academic and work related achievements.

However, while facing manufacture process control problems, I came to recognize my knowledge is limited in many areas such as manufacture system control and management, quality control system based on data gathering and process monitoring. So that I plan to further study on advanced automation; thus I could become a professional engineer in China after graduation. Then with several years experience as an automation engineer, I would become an international product engineer or manufacture engineer as I envision. More importantly, nowadays in China, a diploma of engineer earned in France is very valuable since France represents the advanced systemic education of engineers and also because the multinational environment in French institutions can make me understand different cultures better and become internationalized. Besides the program itself, French is the most beautiful language in the world, which attracts me to go to France.

From the Internet, I find that the Diploma of Engineer provided by a N+I member institution can help me greatly in the field I want. To take advantage of your admirable faculty and immense resources will definitely give me the best chance of boosting my study and research. Moreover, the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help me to melt in French life and study.

I would appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered seriously before sending this application. I understand that admission into your school is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!!

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
Email Removed
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1) They are specialy expressions in my major, I think they should not be deleted.
2) The totally number of the characters are 3000, still over the requirement (no more than 2500)
3) I forgot to ask you if my format is perfect as a motivation letter. What should I do to make it look better.

MountainHiker · Answer

faux air,

A few points:

1) It is, Dear Sir or Madam: [colon, not comma]

2) Get rid of all your unnecessary words. You have a lot of "stuff" in there that is not required.

"I believe the N+I program could help me to further strengthen my strong technical skills by acquiring cutting-edge expertise in automation and allowing me to scale higher academic and professional goals in my future career

The "believes" "coulds" "woulds" "maybes" "possiblys" and all that is simply junk. Get rid of it.

If you are looking to cut down words, helping your in your future career is obvious, no? Get rid of it. You can always add it back later, if you want. Also "scale higher academic and professional goals" seems awkward, so even more reason to get rid of it.

You are not telling a story. You want to state your background, reasons, motivation.

"However, while facing manufacture process control problems, I came to recognize my knowledge is limited in many areas such as manufacture system control and management, quality control system based on data gathering and process monitoring."

Useless. You want to strengthen your knowledge. We know that already, move on. You want to become a professional engineer? Maybe add that to you first paragraph?

That whole paragraph is muddled. You talk about a bunch of engineering control stuff, then a professional engineer, then more experience, the different engineers, then France and China, then French beautiful language, and then France. Does it seem like a focused paragraph to you? It doesn't to me.

You could simply expand that you want gain more knowledge on automation. That will allow you to obtain your professional engineering status and widen your choice of career options. THere done.

Next paragraph. N+1 is the program you chose. Tell them why. Also, mention that another benefit is that it is located in France. You want to learn more about the french culture and language.

The next three short paragraphs can be cut down dramatically. Have a look at Nadine's letter for some ideas.

Answering your points:

1) Cut down on as much technical mumbo jumbo as possible. I have an engineering degree too (mechanical engineer). If you are writing to engineers, they will know what automation means. If you are writing to non-engineers, they won't have a clue

anyway, so it doesn't matter.

2) You can cut a lot out of your post. I think you will be fine.

3) Get rid of the "greetings from Cheng Ying in China. When I rewrote your first couple of paragraphs, I put the colon in deliberately, and I got rid of this "greetings" sentence too deliberately. That will improve your format tremendously. Otherwise you are fine.

Good luck.

MountainHiker

Faux_air · Answer

Do you think them unrequired? I just feel them make the letter look more polite, so I use them.

I see u are online now! Can I talk with you via MSN or Yahoo?
it's already 23:30 in China, but I cannot sleep. I'm worrying about my application.

Thank you so much for your kind suppor to me!

MountainHiker · Answer

We chatted. As I mentioned, I think you are in excellent shape. You are more than 80% complete. You just need to remove some of the clutter and rearrange a few things. With some good food and a solid night's rest, you should be done in a couple hours.

MountainHiker

Faux_air · Answer

I didn't post my letter because I was searching a better arrangement via reading other's letter. and yesterday, I went back to university for grades report and reference letters.

Here is what I just rewrite, hope u like it.
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I.

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor degree in 2003 from the university of Science and Technology. My study focuses on Control Theory, Distributed and Process Control. Meanwhile, I also had experience in SCM Programming and Communication. After Graduation, I worked in LG Electronics at their Monitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea sub factories for new products development planning and production process quality control. Through my study and work, I feel more and more interests in analyzing and design automatic control process.

Automation is interesting and useful to research because they create modern manufacture systems with less labors but higher efficiency. Along with the development of global industry, automation and electronics are becoming more and more important. I’m interested in study advanced automatic control system and related electronics engineering knowledge. Particularly, when I met related problems in work, I recognize it necessary to further increasing my knowledge and developing my skills in these research.

France is one of the oldest industrial countries with long manufacture history, which leads it to a deep academic research and long-term application in manufacture. French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices. Meanwhile, the beautiful French and the multi-national environment in France are attracting me strongly from a very young age.

Also, my graduation project supervise professor encouraged me to acquire a master level degree in automation or electronic engineering area. I believe the decision to study in France through N+I Program is valuable and suitable for myself. Because the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help me to melt in French life and study smoothly. After graduation, I have confidence that I will have the knowledge and skills to fulfill myself as an professional engineer as I envision.

I would appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered seriously before sending this application. I understand that admission into your school is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!!

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
Email Removed
--------------------

I am not satisfied with the last but one paragraph, but I don't know how to say it both politely and simply.

How do you like my new arrangment?

Waiting for you new comment. Thanks a lot

Faux_air · Answer

I didn't post my letter because I was searching a better arrangement via reading other's letter. and yesterday, I went back to university for grades report and reference letters.

Here is what I just rewrite, hope u like it.
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I.

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor degree in 2003 from the university of Science and Technology. My study focuses on Control Theory, Distributed and Process Control. Meanwhile, I also had experience in SCM Programming and Communication. After Graduation, I worked in LG Electronics at their Monitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea sub factories for new products development planning and production process quality control. Through my study and work, I feel more and more interests in analyzing and design automatic control process.

Automation is interesting and useful to research because they create modern manufacture systems with less labors but higher efficiency. Along with the development of global industry, automation and electronics are becoming more and more important. I’m interested in study advanced automatic control system and related electronics engineering knowledge. Particularly, when I met related problems in work, I recognize it necessary to further increasing my knowledge and developing my skills in these research.

France is one of the oldest industrial countries with long manufacture history, which leads it to a deep academic research and long-term application in manufacture. French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices. Meanwhile, the beautiful French and the multi-national environment in France are attracting me strongly from a very young age.

Also, my graduation project supervise professor encouraged me to acquire a master level degree in automation or electronic engineering area. I believe the decision to study in France through N+I Program is valuable and suitable for myself. Because the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help me to melt in French life and study smoothly. After graduation, I have confidence that I will have the knowledge and skills to fulfill myself as an professional engineer as I envision.

I would appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered seriously before sending this application. I understand that admission into your school is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!!

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
Email Removed
--------------------

I am not satisfied with the last but one paragraph, but I don't know how to say it both politely and simply.

How do you like my new arrangment?

Waiting for you new comment. Thanks a lot!

Rosemary

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the Engineering program (Diplome d'Ingenieur)at a member institution of N+I.

I graduated in Automation with a bachelor degree in 2003 from the university of Science and Technology. My study focuses on Control Theory, Distributed and Process Control. Meanwhile, I also had experience in SCM Programming and Communication.[1] After Graduation, I worked in LG Electronics at their [m]onitor factory to coordinate with the foreign customers and oversea subfactories for new products development planning and production process quality control. Through my study and work, I [became passionate to learn more about] analyzing and design automatic control process.

Automation is [fascinating] and useful to research because [it] create modern manufacture systems with less labor[] but higher efficiency. Along with the development of global industry, automation and electronics are becoming [vitally] important. I [am] interested in studying advanced automatic control system and related electronics engineering knowledge.[2] Particularly, when I met related problems [at] work, I recognize[d] it necessary to further increasing my knowledge and developing my skills in these research.[3]

France is one of the oldest industrial countries with long manufacture history, which leads it to a deep academic research and long-term application in manufacture.[4] French unique and systematic advanced engineer education will not only make students acquire a good knowledge of engineering, but also command well through various practices. Meanwhile, the beautiful French and the multi-national environment in France are attracting me strongly from a very young age.

Also, my graduation project supervise professor encouraged me to acquire a master level degree in automation or electronic engineering area. I believe the decision to study in France through N+I Program is valuable and suitable for myself. Because the special service and transition semester provided by N+I will help me to melt in French life and study smoothly. After graduation, I have confidence that I will have the knowledge and skills to fulfill myself as an professional engineer as I envision.[5]

I would appreciate your serious consideration over my application. I had pondered seriously before sending this application. I understand that admission into your school is competitive, but I also understand that I’m qualified, eager and prepared to meet all of the challenges I will be presented with.

I look forward to your early reply!! Thank you!! [6]

Best wishes and have a nice day!

Sincerely yours,
Cheng Ying
Email Removed[7]
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faux air,

I like that this new essay is more focused. You seem to have each paragraph focused on an individual topic. That is good.

But some of your sentence structure/grammar needs work. And some of your stuff doesn't flow very well. Let's look at a few notes.

1) This sentence about experience seems somewhat abrupt. You had more experience where? In school, on the job? Where exactly.

Also, in this paragraph I am trying to show that you have some passion and enthusiasm for this new topic.

2) This sentence seems to repeat what you said in your opening paragraphs. I am not sure why you are restating that again. If I were you, I would discuss more about the benefits of automation and electronics and where you see that field developing in the future. We already know you are "passionate" about learning more about it.

3) Similar comments to ( 2 ). In addition, this sentence is awkward sounding. It needs work.

4) Not a very good opening sentence. It sounds like France is a dead place. Rather than focusing on its being an old industrial country, why not focus on its new found technologies and promise for the future?

Which sounds better:

#1
China possesses a civilization that goes back thousands of years. It has a great history and tradition with a deep understanding of philosophy.

#2
China is a rapidly growing power within the world community. It has recently burst on the world economic stage with new high technologies and mass produced products. With its new found wealth and opportunities, the future is bright for China.

Which sounds better?

5) This paragraph is okay, but needs to be tightened up. It is too wordy. I find its placement in your essay somewhat odd because you discuss school at the very front of your letter. Then you talk about work and technology. And now you return back to school stuff (my professor blah blah). In my simple mind, I like an chronological order or everything grouped by their subjects.

6) Yeah, your last couple paragraphs need work. I would forget the "I would appreciate" stuff and just be more direct. You sound as if you lack confidence. That is not the image you want to project. Also, never, ever in a business letter use "!!". The best wishes and have a nice day should also be eliminated. You are not looking to make friends. You are looking to project a professional image that you have proper qualifications along with the mental toughness to thrive in their program.

7) I would not put your e-mail address below your signature. If you are sending your application electronically, then put your e-mail address where you have your snail mail address.

I hope this helps.

MountainHiker

Is there any one could help me to review my motivation letter?

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