Is the punctuation of this poem correct?

Question

Hi, I was just wondering if someone could tell me if the punctuation of this poem is acceptable. In particular, my use of parenthesis around the phrase 'among the bleak dusk and dawn' - I'm not sure if it's necessary as it could work as a defining relative clause?

Thanks in advance!

The Hunters

There are demons of the black night
Who, among the bleak dusk and dawn,
Pursue the bidding of the damned,
And beckon men to their demise.
They care not for mortal trifles,
As shadows condemned to wander,
And haunt alone all empty minds
With intentions callous and foul.

The hunter’s eyes are bloody red,
In a form wolf-like and spectral,
As he waits forlorn in silence
In moonlit fields of winter rain.
He is the soul of the river,
His mind is that of sorrow-joy,
And in his wake a darkness falls
In mourning for a dream, defiled.

These such aberrations of night
Shall retire upon the daybreak,
To heed the call of the abyss,
And rest beneath the silver moon.
But in the dawn, the haunted wake
To find that their lives are wretched,
And that all joy now eludes them
Within the tomb that is this world.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

The modern practice is to capitalize only where it would appear in prose, not at the beginning of each line. I have fixed the punctuation, also:

There are demons of the black night
who, between the bleak dusk and dawn,
pursue the bidding of the damned
and beckon men to their demise.
They care not for mortal trifles,
as shadows condemned to wander,
but haunt alone all empty minds
with intentions callous and foul.

The hunter’s eyes are ****** red,
in a form lupine and spectral,
as he waits forlorn in silence
in moonlit fields of winter rain.
He is the soul of the river;
his mind is that of sorrow-joy,
and in his wake a darkness falls
in mourning for a dream defiled.

These base aberrations of night
shall retire upon the daybreak,
to heed the call of the abyss
and rest beneath the silver moon.
But in the dawn, the haunted wake
to find that their lives are wretched,
and that all joy now eludes them
within the tomb that is this world.

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

Thank you, that was very helpful!

Your suggestions for word changes were also very good. I was therefore wondering, do you think that it would improve the meaning of the piece if "beneath the silver moon" was changed to "much like the silver moon"? I just don't want it to potentially mean that the moon is still in the sky... But perhaps I'm just over thining it.

These base aberrations of night
shall retire upon the daybreak,
to heed the call of the abyss
and rest much like the silver moon.'

Mister Micawber · Answer

sailsofoblivion I just don't want it to potentially mean that the moon is still in the sky..

That's what it meant to me when I read it, but I let it pass.

These base aberrations of night
shall retire upon the daybreak,
to heed the call of the abyss
and hide like the silver moon.'

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

Thank you once again

The only bit left where I feel like my word choice could potentially be seen to be a bit weak is in the first line

'There are demons of the black night'

I feel like the use of 'black' is an adjective which doesn't add to the meaning of the poem, would you agree that 'rare' works better in terms of meaning?

'There are rare demons of the night'

Mister Micawber · Answer

sailsofoblivion, would you agree that 'rare' works better in terms of meaning?

I don't get that meaning; 'rare' seems a much more arbitrary choice than 'black'. I would stay on course but move in one direction or the other:

There are demons of the night OR there are demons of the blackest night

Sailsofoblivion · Answer

In that case, I'm probably better of sticking with 'black' as I don't want to have to alter the sylabble count and 'blackest' seems too add a bit too much weight to that line.

Thanks a lot for all of your help!

Is the punctuation of this poem correct?

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