Is the paragraph correct and well-written?

Arnold glared at him. Bart scowled back. And while all focus was on the tension between the two, no one in the room seemed to have noticed that a pair of shoes were sticking out from under the curtain.

1) Is the paragraph correct and well-written?

2) Would it read better if written as below?

...And while all focus was on the tension between the two, there was no one in the room who seemed to have noticed that a pair of shoes were sticking out from under the curtain.