Is my instructor too demanding? Am I a bad writer?

Question

We're writing resumes in my business communications class and I feel that our teacher is being overly critical (I'm going nuts revising and revising and revising... on the third revision now).. Posted here is my cover letter with her comments at the bottom. Could anyone else explain what else I can do to make this work?

My cover letter:

Dear [Employer]:

I am writing in response to your career listing requesting a web developer. I felt immediately drawn to the position because it focuses on a technical skill I possess as well as enjoy as a hobby. I wish to put my abilities into practice to advance Manpower’s goal to be the benchmark in providing quality employment opportunities as well as be part of the twenty-first century immersion into web technologies and online communication.

From high school through college, I have always been active with campus organizations and profit organizations as a web developer. My experience is wide, spanning cultural clubs, student government, religious organizations, hi-tech, and even real-estate companies. Driven by the power of plain HTML, cascading style sheets, and small-scale implementations of JavaScript, I strive to produce sites that are scalable and easy to manage regardless of organization size and expansion. This philosophy about simple design, scalability, and manageability are my tools to ensure that the possibilities for developing a solid web presence are endless.

The past five years have been highly productive with time spent on several projects including the [high school] Vietnamese Club, [school] Associated Student Body, and [college] Associated Student Body websites. My consulting work with profit driven organizations include [company A] and [company B]. Each case required a different view of information and a different view of online identity. With varying needs, organization types, and technologies, each project lent itself not only as an opportunity to bring more organizations into the world-wide-web but also as a fulfilling way of immersing myself into the new global medium of web communication.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to review my request and hope to hear from you soon about an interview date.

Here are her comments:

Here are a few comments I have about your cover letter:

1. There is a better way of stating "thousand-computer-campus". How about a campus with over a thousand desktops or something along those lines?

2. This sentence isn't PAR: "With that in mind, I strive to provide the timeliest and reliable service possible to ensure smooth operations on both a user and organizational level." Do you see the problem?

the rest of her points are minor and something i can fix. what the heck does PAR mean?

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Your letter seems fine to me. I don't see the sentences that your teacher is referring to in the letter, so I presume you have taken them out? Anyway:

1-- I rather like 1000-computer campus (no hyphen before campus), but some stricter grammarians dislike this ad hoc way of forming adjectives; try it with a relative clause-- a campus housing 1000 computers.

2-- PAR = parallel. You failed to insert most before reliable in order to create parallel structure in the two superlatives.

Singularity2006 · Answer

Oh my goodness. I put in the wrong letter. Let me re-post it. Comments?

Dear [employer]:

I am writing in response to CPC's listing to fill an IT technician position that requires fluency in Windows 2K/XP/Me/9x, related software, hardware, and ability to implement support services across the organization. I am confident you will find my qualifications a strong match for this position.

Although my academic aspirations are in business accounting, technology has always been an integral part of my life. Since high school, I have provided technology services for students, staff, and campus organizations of [high school] and [college]. In addition, I have worked with for-profit entities [supermarket], and [wholesaler], which are [types of businesses]. To be specific, my work with these two companies exposed me to both hardware and software aspects of managing office networks including the setup of software and hardware firewalls, network drops, hubs, routers, network printers, and data backup systems.

In addition, my work with the thousand-computer-campus of [high school] has given me a unique perspective in understanding the needs of people: The importance of end-users can never be understated. With that in mind, I strive to provide the timeliest and reliable service possible to ensure smooth operations on both a user and organizational level. That is not only my goal but also a commitment to CPC.

I thank you in advance for your time and consideration. Please contact me at [my phone number] so that we may meet or discuss the details of this position further.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Basically, a little wordy. No need, for instance to repeat the whole job desciption in the first paragraph. Let me go through once and just delete the wordiness (and patch it with boldface)-- I emphasize that the result will not necessarily be a finished letter-- I just want to show you what kind of wordiness or convolution should go, generally. Necessary details should appear in your resume:

Dear [employer]:

I am writing in response to CPC's listing of your IT technician position. I am confident you will find my qualifications a strong match for your requirements.

My degree is in business accounting, and technology has always been an integral part of my life. Since high school, I have provided technology services for students, staff, and campus organizations. In addition, I have worked with [types of businesses]. This work exposed me to both hardware and software aspects of managing office networks, including the setup of firewalls, network drops, hubs, routers, network printers, and data backup systems.

In addition, my work with [high school], which maintains a 1000-computer network, has helped me understand the needs of end-users. With that in mind, I strive to provide the timeliest and most reliable service possible to ensure smooth operations at all levels.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please contact me if I can offer you any further information.

Sincerely yours,

(signed)

Name
Phone Number

Your teacher may not agree with me, but my opinion is a straightforward one: Cover letters should be short, direct and easy to read. Save details for your resume and rhetoric for your interview.

(I have also offered you an alternative to the thousand-computer adjective and fixed the PAR problem.)

Is my instructor too demanding? Am I a bad writer?

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