Is it a good introduction for an essay?

Question

The idea of becoming a civil engineer came up before I get at high school. I was inspired by a teacher who was a civil engineer. She used to teach me math and physics which are the subjects I have always been interested in. So, I decided I wanted to have so much knowledge of those subjects as her, and, for achieving it, I would study engineering. However, that was just a dream because in my hometown there was not the course I’d like to apply for. Nowadays that dream has come true. Unfortunately, I had to leave my family in the small city I was born and raised to move to a distant place, but this really worth it. Towards everything worth it even more I want to go further, to the United Stated.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The idea of becoming a civil engineer came up (came to me) before I ~~get at~~ entered high school. I was inspired by a teacher who was a civil engineer. She used to teach me math and physics which are the subjects I have always been interested in. So, I decided I wanted to have as so much knowledge of those subjects as her, and, to achieve ~~for achieving~~ it, I would study engineering. However, that was just a dream because in my hometown ~~there was not~~ the course I’d like to apply for was not offered. ~~Nowadays~~ Today that dream has come true. Unfortunately, I had to leave my family in the small city where I was born and raised to move to a distant place, but this was really worth it. ~~Towards everything worth it~~ Even more, I want to go further, to continue my education in the United States.

Hi Alan,
In one paragraph, you have brought up many topics. There is not one clear thesis which a good essay introduction requires.
I have made some suggestions for more fluency.

A-

s

Alan Klinsmann · Answer

Thank you very much. I've made some changes according to what you suggested me. Could you please review the rest of the essay?

Essay 2:In an essay of no less than 250 words and no more than 500 words, explain the unique perspectives you hope to gain in the U.S. and how you intend to use these skills, knowledge and experience upon your return to your home country.

The idea of becoming a civil engineer came to me before I entered high school. I was inspired by a teacher who was a civil engineer. She used to teach me math and physics which are the subjects I have always been interested in. So, I decided I wanted to have as much knowledge of those subjects as her, and, to achieve it, I would study engineering. However, that was just a dream because in my hometown the course I’d like to apply for was not offered. Also, in Brazil isn’t easy for a student from a public school to enter in a free university, even when the student has an excellent background. Today, this dream has come true. Unfortunately, I had to leave my family in my hometown and move to a distant place, yet this was really worth it. Even more, I want to go further, to continue my education in the United States.
My goal during my stay in the United States is strengthen my knowledge in civil engineering that I’ve acquired so far in a way that would not be possible studying in Brazil. I want to learn the American approach to typical problems in the engineering and how they solve them. In addition, my experience as a student in an environment where only English is spoken will help me develop academic vocabulary, and, therefore, I will be able to produce scientific materials of high quality. Besides that, by living abroad, I’ll have the opportunity to enrich myself culturally, which is going to help to deal with different circumstances.
Everything I will gain in US I intend to use toward the development of my country. I’ll give my best to help Brazil to face problems in its infrastructure by applying the knowledge and experience that will be acquired in the United Stated. My background will be a solid base to formulate new and innovative ideas in the field of engineering to fulfill the needs that Brazil has.
I’m sure that the opportunity of study at an American university is going to provide me a unique experience and the chance to develop myself as an excellent engineer, which is my main goal I aim for.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hello Alan;

One of the things that the reader might be looking for is the ability to follow the directions. There are two things that should be the focus of your essay: your unique perspectives you hope to gain in the US, and how you intend to use these skills.

You do have a few sentences on these two subjects, but most of your essay is about your background -why you decided to be an engineer, and the challenges of gaining an education. Perhaps you can take away some of the text that is not directly related to the questions, and put in more that is directly related.

The other word that is very important in the instructions is "unique". Unique means something that you have that others do not have. It seems to me that everyone applying for this opportunity wants to enrich themselves culturally, and learn English. That's not unique.

By the way, I heard on the news that Brazil wants to build 800 regional airports and transportation infrastructure in the future. Now, that's astounding!. Would this goal affect what you might do as a civil engineer in Brazil? Adding something very specific to an essay instead of generalities is another way to be unique. Are there special projects in Brazil that you really want to be a part of? Saving the remaining rainforests? Developing buildings that are energy-efficient and use less greenhouse gasses?
http://www.herald.co.zw/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=60219:brazil-to-build-800-regional-airports&catid=45:international-news&Itemid=137#.UNJpTqw9VnY

Is it a good introduction for an essay?

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions