Invitation of my birthday party

Question

Hi mohan_p, i need your help on my birthday invitation, this is what i wrote.

Invitation of my birthday party

You’re invited to my birthday party hosted in the DNA Asian night club on Sat, Sep 4.
The party starts from 9:30pm. For the reference of the night club, it has 2 dance floor, profession DJs, and drinks of your choice. I have reserved couple tables on that night in the club, so if you don’t want to dance with the public people, you can still sit down and enjoy your drinks. If you like to dance with hit pops, great!, there will be the group of the birthday people and also public random people who come to the night club regularly.
The admission to the night club for my birthday guest list people will be $10 to the night club. You will also pay for the drinks at the counter if need verity of drinks. So, friends, come out on the Sat and let’s have a fun night with everyone else
Club information.
| 2 dance floors | 5 different dj's |
| 5 dj's spinning HipHop/Mainstream/Trance |
Location: DNA
Address: 375 11th street, san francisco, CA
Dress Code Enforced all evening - no baggy jeans, sneakers, caps

Mohan_p · Accepted Answer

Dear yohooo8,
I would be very glad to help! If you do not mind, instead of rewriting the invitation for you I would simply provide you with some suggestions and you can try again and come up with a more charming version of your invitation. Rewriting your own invitation would greatly help you with your writing I think.

Suggestions
§ For the reference of the night club : You can simply start with – “The night club has .. “
§ on that night in the club : This seems redundant as the context makes it clear already that you are talking about the night at the club.
§ birthday people and also public random people : friends invited for birthday bash as well as the general populace at the club
§ birthday guest list people : for people attending my birthday party
§ let’s have a fun night with everyone else : and I promise you the night of fun and frolics.

From reading your invitation, it seems that you like to describe idea by adding adjectives to your nouns instead of describing the idea in verbs. Example : birthday people, public random people, birthday guest list people, fun night etc.

Not that it is incorrect, but sometimes this adds little awkwardness to the passage. You might want to consciously look out for this and correct it. ( Note : I do not discourage you from use of adjectives, but the usages above look like stretching a little too far )

Another thing while writing is to trust your readers a certain level of maturity. You do not need to explain nitty gritty details of what you mean. I can write a sentence in two ways :
- “attend the 11:00 am physics class”
- “ come and sit in 11:00 am physics class along with other students”
For example your sentence “I have reserved … enjoy your drinks” conveys somewhat redundant information. This can be avoided by
- Reading : To better understand the flow of English language.
- Good vocabulary : So you express an idea or concept concisely.

I hope you are not angry with me for providing you with stern suggestions and I would request all to provide yohooo8 with their helpful comments.

With best wishes!

Yohooo8 · Answer

Dear Mohan,
this is what i rewrite, is it getting better?

Invitation of my birthday party

You’re invited to my birthday party hosted in the DNA Asian night club on the Sat, Sep 4. The party starts from 10:00pm. The night club has 2 dance floor, profession DJs, and drinks of your choice. I have reserved couple tables for my guest list people too. If you like to dance with the hit pops music, great 5 dj's spinning Hip-Hop for us. if you don't, you can just sit down and enjoy the drinks. For my guest list people, it is only $10 for the club admission. However, you will also need to pay for the drinks to the club. It’s a night club that open to the public on every Saturday, there will be also hundreds of other people will arrive to the club on that night, So, When you arrive, you should see a sign for the birthday line. If not, just walk up to any of club’s security guards and mention that you've made reservations for a birthday party and ask where the birthday line is at.If you arriving separately, then please have mention that you're with a birthday group as well. you'll be able to enter through my VIP birthday line too as long as your names are on the list. Friends, come out on the Sat night with us and I promise you the night of fun and frolics.
(p.s please reply me asap on this invaitation with number of guests will you bring to. Be sure to write your guest name too.)

additional information.
Club name: DNA
Address: 375 11th street,
san francisco, CA
Dress Code Enforced all evening - no baggy jeans, sneakers, caps

Mohan_p · Answer

Very good! yohooo8!

A couple of small corrections :

1. reserved couple tables : reserved couple of tables.
2. For my guest list people : For my guests
guest list people : guests
3. club that open : club that is open
4. guests will you bring to : guests accompanying you
5. The sentence "If you like to dance with the hit pops music, great 5 dj's spinning Hip-Hop for us. " is not clear.

Thanks! and good luck!

Invitation of my birthday party

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