Intro proofreading

Question

Hello again people!Here is another intro to an essay that I would appreciate being commented upon please proofread this and tell me if you find any grammatical errors.As children run through toy stores the parents look at their children, and remember a time when they were once like those children running around looking with awe at the shelves full of toys just waiting to be played with. The parents start to reminisce about the time they used to play with toys, and they remember one particular toy that they considered to be their favorite. They think back to when they used to love and cherish that precious toy of theirs and wonder what had happened to the toy. But as soon as they remember this memory they dismiss it just as quickly, and they go about the store with their children leading the way. So what made them lose interest in what used to be the one thing they most cherished in the world as children? The processes that slowly withered away their interest in their old hobbies and once cherished childhood items are continuous repetition, shrewd replacement, and inevitable time.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

Here is another intro to an essay that I would appreciate being commented upon please proofread this and tell me if you find any grammatical errors.

As children run through toy stores the parents look at them, and remember a time when they were once like those children running around looking with awe at the shelves full of toys just waiting to be played with. The parents start to reminisce about the time they used to play with toys, and they remember one particular toy that they considered to be their favorite. They think back to when they used to love and cherish that precious toy of theirs and wonder what happened to it. But as soon as they remember this memory they dismiss it just as quickly, and they go about the store with their children leading the way. So what makes them lose interest in what used to be the one thing they most cherished in the world as children? The processes that slowly withered away their interest in their old hobbies and once cherished childhood items are continuous repetition, shrewd replacement, and inevitable time.

Very good writing. The last sentence makes me want to read more, to find out that you mean.

Clive

I

Roy Mustang · Answer

Here is how my essay turned out, and I would greatly appreciate it if you looked it over for me and tell me if there are any gramatical errors that you find. Thank you for your help!

As children run through toy stores the parents look at them, and remember a time when they were once like those children running around looking with awe at the shelves full of toys just waiting to be played with. The parents start to reminisce about the time they used to play with toys, and they remember one particular toy that they considered to be their favorite. They think back to when they used to love and cherish that precious toy of theirs and wonder what happened to it. But as soon as they remember this memory they dismiss it just as quickly, and they go about the store with their children leading the way. So what makes them lose interest in what used to be the one thing they most cherished in the world as children? The processes that slowly withered away their interest in their old hobbies and once cherished childhood items are continuous repetition, shrewd replacement, and inevitable time.

Children all have at least one favorite hobby or toy that they absolutely will not part with. But why would one so attached to it, reject it as one grew older? Children play with their toys every day, and they may even sleep with them; but when they grow older they see these things as laughable past times, and dismiss them without a second thought. They dedicated every passing moment to this hobby or toy, and they cherished every second of it. They know every scratch that was ever put on their doll, and even every function that their little action figure can do. However, it is because they have spent so much time playing with their toy soldiers or dolls, that they now know everything there is to know about the hobby or toy that they loved so much. Because of this they start to become bored with it and they become more open to other things such as video games and makeup.

As a child, one might love to play with a certain toy, but as the child grows older they slowly replace that toy with other items of interest. For example boys go from action figures and toy soldiers to video games and TV, but girls go from dressing up dolls to putting on makeup. As they become more and more immersed with new obsessions they quickly forget about their favorite toy or doll, and they start to divulge themselves with a new hobby or activity. They start to lose interest in their old hobbies and toys as they grow older and become more embellished with new things that catch their attention like TV, video games, make up, and even sometimes the internet brings to them a new obsession which may eventually lead to them to even despise that toy or hobby they once used to love so much. Instead of playing with their toy blocks or legos they begin to watch cartoons, play on their Xbox or Wii, or even start to watch inappropriate things on the internet, and girls who used to play with their innocent toy dolls begin to watch MTV, put on makeup, or start to amass a wardrobe of very revealing and inconsiderate clothing.

As time goes on the children start to completely forget about their favorite past time or toy and start to adventure into a world of new experiences and wonders. They find out how addicting Starcraft can be or how much fun watching MTV really is. They start to embrace these things and toss away their old toys and hobbies for what they see is more attracting to them. They start to dress up in miniskirts and they begin to spend hours upon hours on facebook or twitter. Soon they are entwined with a new hobby of sitting at the computer not moving for hours a day going on Skype talking to friends or maybe even going on websites that show inappropriate pictures of things we can only imagine would be on the internet. They have by now completely put their past behind them and look forward to a day with friends hanging out at the mall or playing World of Warcraft.

As a young boy I used to watch a show called G- Gundam and I watched it with a certain fondness that can only be described as admiration. I happily built little model versions of the gundams that would appear on the show and came to love the one that the main character used to fight off others. As time went by I started to distance myself from this anime without ever knowing it, and I slowly stopped watching Gundam altogether. Instead I began to watch many different animes such as Soul Eater, Black Lagoon, and so much more, and soon I completely forgot about G- Gundam. One day I looked up and saw a Gundam figurine atop a shelf and the poor figurine badly needed some dusting and care. I quickly brought it back out of its poor condition and placed it next to my computer and I now see it as a thing I used to enjoy and nothing more.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Good essay.

I only have time to edit one more paragraph.

Children all have at least one favorite hobby or toy that they absolutely will not part with. But why would one (I would say 'people' here, to avoid using the singular 'one'. All the rest of the para uses plural) so attached to something ( no comma) reject it as one grew older? Children play with their toys every day, and they may even sleep with them; I would just put a comma here but when they grow older they see these things as laughable pastimes, and dismiss them without a second thought. They dedicated every passing moment to this hobby or toy, and they cherished every second of it. They know every scratch that was ever put on their doll, and even every function that their little action figure can do. However, it is because they have spent so much time playing with their toy soldiers or dolls, that they now know everything there is to know about the hobby or toy that they loved so much. Because of this comma they start to become bored with it and they become more open to other things comma such as video games and makeup.

Clive

Roy Mustang · Answer

Thank you for your imput!

I have made the changes that you suggested and appreciate your help.

Intro proofreading

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