International Student Essay for SUNY (motivation essay)

Question

I was wondering if you could help me on my motivation essay. Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. Please and Thank You in advance.

Here it is:

DEL

Greep · Accepted Answer

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BarbaraPA · Answer

Hi Greep,

Which SUNY are you applying to? I'm not aware of any that are in New York City.

Your letter takes its time getting to the point. Your first point is about being at the time and place of excitement, but doesn't say why the university is your choice. You take too long to get there.

By the way, what is considered exciting about Miami as a sign of the times in that decade?

Greep · Answer

Thank you for your opinion, Grammar Geek.
I'm applying to Old Westbuty SUNY, NYC is near

Actualy, SUNY not really my choice, just one variant from small list of variants, which is aveileble for student exchange program in my University
Miami in that decade was really weird: beach, fast cars, girls, cocaine and really crazy people; Nothing special, but for me it's enouth to want live there.
What do you think about gramma and gemeral impression of essay?

BarbaraPA · Answer

Okay, again, you wait too long to tell the reader what you're asking for, and you put more emphasis on being in New York than you do saying why you chose this college for yourself.
I think your ideas are good, but you bury them a bit too much.
Try to make it a bit more direct.
I also don't think that saying you want to be part of a fast-car, cocaine, and crazy people society, even indirectly, is a great recommendation for yourself to an admissions officer.

International Student Essay for SUNY (motivation essay)

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