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Anton13 Posted 9 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Independent essay for TOEFL

Hello!


Could you please check my essay? I would like to know if it is well structured, has some grammar (or any other) issues. If something could have been expressed in a better way, I would like to know this.

I have been working on my English since my previous post here (quite a long time ago).


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I would reformulate this statement - young people usually have more opportunities to enjoy life rather than older people. But if we go deeper into this topic we can see that despite having greater opportunities they may not take them, and life of older people may seem more enjoyable.


Usually, young people are more active and are striving for emotions, they want to get everything from life while they are young. They are entering or recently have entered new life, replete with many things to try, so they grab each opportunity and enjoy them. On the other hand, as human gets older he loses his energy due to different reasons and may become more settled, not pursuing goals that younger people pursue.


However, the people's satisfaction of life is a such kind of thing that is not so easy tractable. A guy can participate in immeasurable number of different activities, his life may be full of bright events, but, at the same time, he may be depressed. On the contrary, some old man, probably even his grandfather, may live a life that may seem to be not so diverse and active but, nevertheless, be more satisfied with his life. This old man may enjoy different things that may be considered as boring by a younger guy, such as the fact that he has lived interesting life, has brought up his children, has worked a lot and now he can allow himself to relax. For many people, after years of working and tackling with problems, it definitely may be what they call happiness. They may be happy despite being considered as settled boring people, talking only about their past and not making important decisions or participating in all kinds of activities.


Furthermore, young people, regardless being eager for everything new, usually do not have enough money to afford things they really want. It can be a trip to some other country, a desire to attend to many different events, or just a wish to buy something really cool and important for them. Older people, on the contrary, perhaps have saved enough money for their oldness so they can afford things they want or they have planned to buy. Moreover, older people are more reasonable with respect to money and spend them more wisely. This also helps to maintain a good psychological condition, while a young man may be stressed out when being left with no money because he managed them unreasonably.


Finally, there are some old people who want to grab each opportunity they might have, to start maintaining healthy way of life, to begin something that they always wished about but have never tried. And by doing so, they certainly may become happy, much happier that their children and grandchildren.


So, enjoying life is a thing that actually depends not only on an age, but primarily on other conditions."


  

Top answer

What is the exact wording of the topic or question you are writing about? I am asking because it is very important to clearly address and answer the question.

  • What is the exact wording of the topic or question you are writing about?
  • I am asking because it is very important to clearly address and answer the question.
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3 Answers
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What is the exact wording of the topic or question you are writing about?

I am asking because it is very important to clearly address and answer the question.

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I was not able to follow your logic. What is your thesis?


I would reformulate this statement - young people usually have more opportunities to enjoy life rather than older people. (What is the reformulation?) But if we go deeper into this topic (What is the topic?) we can see that despite having greater opportunities they may not take them, and (missi

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Good structure is the key to a good essay. I suggest you read this good link

https://unilearning.uow.edu.au/essay/4bi.html

Then review your essay, beginning with a look at your introduction and conclusion paragraphs.

Your conclusion, just as an example, is brief and inadequate. A one s

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