In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Question

Please help me correct this essay.. I'm going to take an IELTS exam next month. Thank you so much!

A more developed world as today does not have a high opinion on immediate university studies anymore. Instead, a gap year between high school and university is getting more popularity. From my perspectives, this choice has both pros and cons as following.

To begin with, a gap year is extremely beneficial. Firstly, a free year can provide students with a myriad of experience and knowledge. They can challenge themselves in different positions, jobs and responsibilities. Moreover, in this year, they have an opportunity to meet and learn from numerous people. As a result, students are more likely to find their passion, which is undoubtedly crucial when choosing their study field in the future.

However, this decision also has some negative points. In particular, after a year out of school, students are easy to forget their academic knowledge such as maths, literature or geography to the the university entrance exam. In addition, when they retake it, there will be no friends of teachers besides them to boost their determination and motivation. They will stand a chance of falling behind other candidates. Consequently, the gate of university will be far away from them.

Taking everything into consideration, spending a year after high school for work and travel have two sides according to one’s personal situations. Whether of not to do this should be regarded carefully.

Crystal Rhodes · Accepted Answer

Giang Nguy?nFrom my perspectives, this choice has both pros and cons as following.

The topic question asks you about what people, in general, think, not your personal opinions. Writing this stance (thesis statement) would significantly reduce your Task Achievement score, and there is a high chance that your essay will be marked off-topic.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Please post essays in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm

Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic: In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

My essay:

(Your text here...)
---------------------

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote less than 225 words. The minimum word count is 250. Your score will be reduced for this.

A more developed world as today does not have a high opinion on immediate university studies anymore. (That is not an accurate restatement of the essay topic.) Instead, a gap year between high school and university is gaining in ~~getting more~~ popularity. From my perspectives, this choice has both pros and cons as following.(That is not a proper thesis statement, given the essay prompt. )

Model opening:

When a young person, usually a teenager, completes high school, they have the choice of enrolling in university, starting their working career, or traveling and enjoying themselves for a year before resuming their studies. Whereas parents and councilors used to mandate that they go directly to university, they are more relaxed about that today, and encourage the student to take what is called a gap year, a relaxing period of working temporary jobs and traveling. Although it is an attractive choice, it does have its disadvantages.

To begin with, a gap year is extremely beneficial. ~~Firstly~~, First, a free year can provide students with a myriad (wrong word. Myriad is only used with count nouns. Experience and knowledge are non-count.) of experience and knowledge. They can challenge themselves in different positions, jobs and responsibilities. Moreover, in this year, they have an opportunity to meet and learn from other ~~numerous~~ people. As a result, students are more likely to find their passion, which is undoubtedly crucial when choosing their ~~study~~ field of study in the future.

However, this decision also has some negative points. In particular, after a year out of school, students are easy to forget (wrong expression ... it is easy for them to forget...) their academic knowledge such as maths, literature or geography to the the university entrance exam. In addition, when they retake it, (Why do they retake the exam?) there will be no friends of teachers besides (I do not understand. Why don't the teachers have any friends except this gap-year student?) them to boost their determination and motivation. They will stand a chance of falling behind other candidates. (wrong word) Consequently, the gate of university (wrong expression) will be far away from them.

Taking everything into consideration, spending a year after high school for work and travel have (wrong form) two sides according to one’s personal situations. Whether of not to do this should be regarded carefully.

Example of myriad:

A myriad of bluebonnets cover the hills in springtime.

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions