Ietls writing task 2

Question

write about the following topic :Many children these day have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?                                                                                      my answer The number of children who have maintained a harmful habit are more and more widespread in wild fast-pacing world. In my opinion, I totally agree with this argument and both schools and parents take further responsibilities  for their kids to address this issues It is no doubt that there are numerous prevalent reasons leading to getting unhealthy lifestyle. To begin with, the intrusion Internet into them. That is because the non-stop progress of technology among which computer games and magical social networking sites are typical examples which are more likely to develop health problems. In particular , sitting in front of the screen on straight hours is capable of causing short-sightedness as well as in term of mentality namely isolation, alienation and autism. In addition, consuming a considerable amount of fast-food which attract young customers with the images of mouth-watering drumsticks on their latest processing formula. As a result, it is at risk of the rate of obesity which have frequently accelerating and no wonder when these children often fall victim this Therefore, measures should be taken immediately to tackle negative phenomenon. As for education system, teachers should launch either propagation campaigns or thanks to means of media to emphasise the downside of not only usually resorting to electronic gadgets but also eating regularly fast food as a double-edged impact on their health. In terms of their parent who hold the most vital position to ease threatening issues. The little angels should be paid attention about forming a healthy habit  since at early age. Instructing them the advantages of having a balance diet rather than focusing on these junk food as well as heightening awareness of restricting the time using modern devices is indeed a meaningful deed To sum up, this consists of grave threats to their vulnerable children. As far as I am concerned , both shock and parents take obligation and charge of eliminating the enticement of dangerous lifestyle please help me to find out mistake vocabulary , sentences and grammar thanks every much

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

There are many issues in your writing.

The number of children who have maintained a harmful habit are more and more widespread in wild fast-pacing world.

Comments: Numbers do not become widespread. Numbers can increase or decrease. Things like technology can become more widespread. That means that they are more popular, or more people in different places are using it.

Habits like drug addiction can be maintained (continued, supported) by stealing. I don't think that you mean to imply that children are thieves.

In my opinion, I totally agree with this argument and both schools and parents (missing word) take further responsibilities for their kids to address this issues

Agree is an opinion. "In my opinion" is an unnecessary repetition.
You can agree with a statement like "All trees have green leaves." An argument is not a statement. It a debate which gives reasons for an opinion. You have not described any argument.

There are two errors in the last word. Can you find them?

It is no doubt that there are numerous prevalent reasons leading to getting (missing word) unhealthy lifestyle. To begin with, the intrusion Internet into them.

We do not say "It is no doubt." The form is "There is no doubt."
This phrase is totally unnecessary. You begin the second paragraph stating that you are giving the reasons that children have unhealthy habits. But before giving the reasons, you should tell the reader what particular activities or habits you think are unhealthy. Then you can describe the reasons why kids develop these habits.

The last part is not a sentence. There is no verb. It does not make sense either. What is the "intrusion Internet"? How does it get into children's bodies?

That is because the non-stop progress of technology among which computer games and magical social networking sites are typical examples which are more likely to develop health problems.

Do social networks have health problems? Do computer games get sick? That is what your sentence says.

When you write an essay, you must think logically about the points you want to make. Then write very simple sentences that say what you want to say. Do not try to use complex sentences or advanced vocabulary until you have more writing experience. It is good to practice, but start with more simple and direct English.

Trying too hard to write complex sentences leads to a very bad result.

Ietls writing task 2

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