Ielts_Writingtask1_cam10_test1

Question

The pie chart compares six sectors in which energy is consumed by typical family in Australia, while the second chart shows the corresponding greenhouse gas emissions in consequence of energy consumption in these sectors by Australian.

In conclusion, energy is utilized the most in heating and water heating, lead to the greenhouse gas emissions constituted immensely by energy usage of both sectors in Australia as well.

In an average Australia household, heating and water heating account for 42% and 30% of total energy consumption respectively. the remainders are included, at 15% of energy usage in other appliances and the lower percentage of energy utilized in refrigeration, at 7%, whereas general proportion of lighting and cooling, solely at 6%, is the lowest percentage of energetic consumptions.

Water heating is responsible for the highest proportion of the amount of the greenhouse gas emission, is the equivalent level as energy usage in Australia. It’s noticeable that only 15% of the greenhouse gas produced in heating although It needs using energy mostly. This effect in refrigeration, lighting and cooling are doubling higher than the energetic consumption with 14%, 28% and 8% respectively, while 3% of the greenhouse gas constituted in cooling is the smallest percentage in Australia

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The pie chart (This means there is only one pie chart.) compares six sectors (wrong word. ) in which energy is consumed by a typical family in Australia, while the second chart shows the corresponding greenhouse gas emissions in consequence of energy consumption (wrong expression) in these sectors (wrong word. ) by Australian. ( An Australian is one person. )

In conclusion, (wrong phrase. This means it is the last paragraph in your essay. ) energy is utilized the most in heating and water heating, lead to the greenhouse gas emissions constituted immensely by energy usage (Very poor English. I cannot understand this) of both sectors (wrong word. ) in Australia as well.(wrong expression. It means there is another country that you are comparing to Australia.)

In an average Australian household, heating and water heating account for 42% and 30% of total energy consumption respectively. the (wrong capitalization) remainders (wrong word. ) are included, at 15% of energy usage in other appliances and the lower percentage of energy utilized in refrigeration, at 7%, whereas general proportion of lighting and cooling, solely (wrong word. ) at 6%, is the lowest percentage of energetic (wrong word. ) consumptions. (wrong form. Your last sentence is so long and unwieldy, that it is very difficult to read. Do not write such long sentences. Your skill is not good enough. )

Water heating is responsible for the highest proportion of ~~the amount of~~ the greenhouse gas emissions, (The sentence ends here.) is the equivalent level as energy usage in Australia. (Repetitious. You told the reader that this is in Australia. Do not keep repeating the same word.)in the first paragraph It’s noticeable that only 15% of the greenhouse gas produced in heating although It (wrong capitalization) needs using energy mostly. (wrong expression. It is bad English.) This effect in refrigeration, lighting and cooling are doubling higher (wrong expression. ) than the energetic (wrong word. ) consumption with 14%, 28% and 8% respectively, while 3% of the greenhouse gas constituted (wrong expression. ) in cooling is the smallest percentage ~~in Australia~~

Most of your writing is unnatural English. At your level, you must write simple sentences.
Here is a sample essay you can study.

The two pie charts compare the energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions of six different types of appliances in a typical Australian household. These types are heating, water heating, cooling, lighting, refrigeration and “other appliances”.

Overall, two types, heating and water heating, consume nearly three-quarters of the total energy, and they also account for half of the total emissions. Cooling uses the smallest amount of energy, and also is in last place in terms of emissions.

Even though it is the largest single user of energy, heating is the most environmentally-friendly type of appliance. Its greenhouse gas emissions are 15% of the total whereas it consumes 42% of the energy. The worst are refrigeration and lighting. Their measures are 14% and 8% respectively for greenhouse gas emissions compared to 7% and 4% for energy usage. The group of other appliances is only marginally better, with 15% of the energy usage and 28% of the greenhouse gas emissions. Water heating, which is second after heating in usage at 30%, is somewhat environmentally-friendly, with 32% of the emissions.

Ielts_Writingtask1_cam10_test1

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