Ielts Writing Task2 (Culture)?

Question

I'm having an IELTS exam next month, so I really need someone to take a look at my essay and give opinion. Tks a lot.       People should follow the customs and traditions when they start to live in a new country. Do u agree or disagree?      It is believed that people ought to act and behave according to the cultural norms of the new country they move to reside. From my point of view, I intensely hold the view that it is advisable for people to adopt new customs and traditions, with an aim to avoid cultural conflicts and to enjoy fresh cultural experiences.     Firstly, newcomers are advisable to follow the norms of social behavior and manner in order to blend in and integrate into the completely new environment . The first reason for this is that those who are ignorant of the norms are easily prone to social isolation and being ostracized. For example, in some countries, it is normal and common to eat by hands, without the need of either folks or chopsticks. It will be rude if newcomers make fun of this table manner and look down on it, as a result, local people might feel disrepected and stay away from them. In addition, the acculturation will enable the newcomers to endear themselves with local people. This would allow them to establish a large social network that could help them a lot in starting a new life in a foreign country.     Moreover, adopting the host country’s traditions can be a exhilarating and wonderful learning experience.People living in foreign countries could take part in traditional festivals on special occasions so as to alleviate the feeling of homesickness. Thoroughly, indulging in the lively and boisterous atmosphere can heighten their spirit and make them feel a sense of belonging in new countries. Additionally, getting more insight into the new traditions could equip them with more knowledge about culture and people, thus, leading to better adaptive capacity and mutual understanding.     In conclusion, I argue that people who settle in new countries should follow local customs and embrace the traditions which local people observe.By doing this, they can acclimatize themselves with new environment more readily and accumulate both emotional and learning experiences.

Poster · Accepted Answer

I'm having an IELTS exam next month, [leaving it a bit late, then? ] so I really need someone to take a look at my essay and give an opinion. Tks [Tanks? ] a lot.

People should follow the customs and traditions when they start to live in a new country. Do u [Do not use abbreviations in formal writing or IELTS] agree or disagree?

It is believed that [Who exactly believes this? ]people ought to act and behave according to the cultural norms of the new country they move to reside. From my point of view, [Superfluous] I intensely [unusual collocation] hold the view that it is advisable for people to adopt new [new or different, or local?] customs and traditions, with an aim to avoid cultural conflicts and to enjoy fresh cultural experiences.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=with+aim+to%2Cwith+the+aim+of+ &year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cwith%20aim%20to%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Cwith%20the%20aim%20of%20%2A%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20making%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20improving%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20providing%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20achieving%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20establishing%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20reducing%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20increasing%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20creating%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20developing%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bwith%20the%20aim%20of%20promoting%3B%2Cc0

[Leave an entire blank line between paragraphs. ]

Firstly, newcomers are advisable [wrong verb ending] to follow the norms of social behavior and manner in order to blend in and integrate into the completely new environment . The first reason for this is that those who are ignorant of the norms are easily prone to social isolation and being ostracized. For example, in some countries, it is normal and common to eat by [wrong preposition] hands, without the need of either folks [folks are people] or chopsticks. It will be rude if newcomers make fun of this table manner [Rarely singular in this meaning] and look down on it, [comma-splice] as a result, local people might feel disrepected [spelling] and stay away from them. In addition, the [no article when generalizing] acculturation will enable the newcomers to endear themselves with local people. This would allow them to establish a large social network that could help them a lot [informal] in starting a new life in a foreign country.

[Leave an entire blank line between paragraphs. ]

Moreover, ['Moreover' does not normally start a new paragraph.] adopting the host country’s traditions can be a exhilarating and wonderful learning experience.People living in foreign countries could take part in traditional festivals on special occasions so as to alleviate the feeling of homesickness. Thoroughly, indulging in the lively and boisterous atmosphere can heighten their spirit [Usually plural in this sense.] and make them feel a sense of belonging in new countries [Why plural?]. Additionally, getting ['get' is generally informal: gain insight] more insight into the new traditions could equip them with more knowledge about culture and people, [comma-splice] thus, leading to better adaptive capacity and mutual understanding.

In conclusion, I argue that people who settle in new countries should follow local customs and embrace the traditions which local people observe.By doing this, they can acclimatize themselves with [unusual preposition here][missing article] new environment more readily and accumulate both emotional and learning experiences.

My impression is that you have not said much; just repeated the core idea over and over again with different wording. In fairness, there are examples given to support your argument, but they seem to be overlaid with restating the theme repeatedly. My suggestion would be to take a slightly wider view, perhaps acknowledging that immigrants at first have no idea of any cultural differences and often prefer to remain within their own cultural group, where they are better understood and can make themselves understood easily, and can find help and support in dealing with immigration, police and the authorities. In my experience, it takes years to understand and appreciate a different culture, so it is impossible to suddenly adapt or change one's thinking, so "following the customs and traditions" of the host country is just not feasible at first. Another approach might be to write one paragraph from the standpoint of migrants, and another from the viewpoint of the existing population.

Ielts Writing Task2 (Culture)?

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