IELTS writing task2

this is my IELTS writing essay. please evaluate it and estimate my band score . thank you for helping me

Some people think that family lifeand parents have a great influence on children’s development, while others consider that external influence plays a more important role in children’s life. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

There are many factors that are conducive to children’s development including familial and externalimpacts. Although somepeople view that family life and parents are significant to espouse children’s life, othersseem to agree that it is of note that external influences should be considered.

On the one hand, it is argued that family life and parents contribute to fulfil children’s life. First, since toddlers spend most time in infancy stage with their parents, they require basic love, care and courtesy to grow as healthily functional individuals. For example, the most positive growth is seen when families invest time, energy and love in the development of the child such as reading to them, and having deep meaningful conversations, which determines the ways they develop in psychologically and socially. Moreover, in order to distinguishbetweengood and bad, infants need parental guidance. For instance, children’s sense of justice cannot be nurtured unless their parents observe their behaviors and continually instruct them to do the right ways, which allows them to follow the good things at the expense of bad ones.

On the other hand, others believe that external influences are susceptible to children’s fulfilment. To begin with, where toddlers live also has a great influence on how they shape thoughts, attitudes and behaviors. For example, living in an enriching community for group activities and sports all play a role in how much the child is involved with the community, which gives them a chance to cultivate not their interpersonal skills but their social skills. Furthermore, peer circles and teacher at school also influence the way children grow. For instance, if adolescents study with a group of forward-looking friends in a prestigious school, they will be outstanding later in life, which helps foster in the young the morally sound values and positive outlook on life.

In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me thatit is better to expose the young to their own environment under the control of their parents.