Ielts Writing Task2

Please help me check this essay. Many thanks!

Some people believe that it is more important to learn about local history than world history Do you agree or disagree?

Some students have a tendency to place stress on national history and make light of world history. However, i intensely concede that local and international history should be given equal priority among schoolchildren.
On the one hand, students ought to be knowledgeable about the local history. The first reason for this is that getting deep insight into the history of our own country will foster the sense of pride and belonging. For example, when learning about the process of developing and protecting the country of the forefathers, Vietnamese students would promote their patriotism and gratitude for their merits. Accordingly, they are likely to value and treasure the freedom they live in and put effort into beatifying the country. Another reason is that history lessons play an important role in passing on tradition and customs, thus preserving the core cultural identity and uniqueness of the nation.
On the other hand, students ought not to underestimate the importance of the world history. First, there is a strong correlation between the historic events of a country and the whole world. For instance, in the past, Vietnam
used to be a colonial country of France and the World War II event gave us the chance of escaping from French oppression. Furthermore, globalization requires people to have profound understanding of the international history . This will help people to blend in and embrace the multicultural values.
In conclusion, learning history locally and internationally is not only an individual gain but also as a community duty. Therefore, schoolchildren should be armed with broader knowledge and understanding of this subject.