Ielts writing task1

Question

Hi everyone. I'm new to learning IELTS. This is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. Please help me to check the mistakes in this paragraph. Many thanks.

Task: The line graph below shows the urbanisation rate in South Korea and Indonesia. Write a description (of about 150 words) of the trends in the graph

The line graph gives data about the percentages of urbanization in South Korea and Indonesia from mid-1960s to 2009. By and large, there was an upward trend in the urbanization rate in both countries. The increase in the rate in South Korea was remarkable higher than in Indonesia over the last 20 years. In 1969, the figure for South Korea started at around 30 percent, compared to about 20 percent of Indonesia. Over the period, the proportions of urbanization in South Korea rose sharply, reaching the peak at 82 percent in 2005 and then levelled off towards 2009. This number was nearly twice as much as the rate in Indonesia by the end of the period. Meanwhile, a slight increase was seen around the first 20 years in the proportions of Indonesia. Then, there was a dramatic increase for about 20 percent since 1995 and it reached over 40 percent in 2009.

Emily Lee 9423 · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry I forgot to upload the picture

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Without the graph, it is difficult to comment on your essay.

The numbers are reasonable for "urban population" which is the percentage of the total population living in urban areas, as defined by the country.

The rate of urbanization, describes the average rate of change of the size of the urban population over the given period of time. The numbers you give in your essay are not reasonable for this measure. (Indonesia was 2.27% in 2015-2020, and Korea was 0.3% for that period.) See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urbanization_by_country

The instructions should say "Percentage of urban population" not "urbanization rate."

You need to divide your essay into paragraphs.

The line graph ~~gives data about~~ plots the percentages of urban population ~~urbanization~~ in South Korea and Indonesia from mid-1960s to 2009. By and large, there was an upward trend ~~in the urbanization rate~~ in both countries. The increase in ~~the rate~~ in South Korea was remarkable (wrong form) higher (That is a subjective observation, how much higher was it in actual numbers?) than in Indonesia over the last 20 years. In 1969, ~~the figure for~~ South Korea's urban population started at around 30 percent, compared to about 20 percent of for Indonesia. Over the period, the proportions ~~of urbanization~~ in South Korea rose sharply, reaching the peak at 82 percent in 2005 and then levelled off towards 2009. This ~~number~~ was nearly twice as much as ~~the rate~~ in Indonesia by the end of the period. ~~Meanwhile~~, There was a slight increase ~~was seen around~~ over the first 20 years in ~~the proportions of~~ Indonesia. Then, there was a dramatic increase of ~~for~~ about 20 percent since 1995 and it reached over 40 percent in 2009.

Ielts writing task1

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