IELTS Writing Task II, please help me check it!

Topic: Some people believe that time spent on television, video and computer games can be beneficial to children. Others believe this has a negative effect on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answers:

Nowadays, an increasing number of parents are concerned .about the time that their kids spend on electronic personal devices. Some people state that these devices with the Internet can bring many benefits to children, but on the other hand, there are also downsides. It is necessary to look at both arguments before forming an opinion.
Firstly, it is obvious that too much television and gaming can have a negative influence on children. Physically, hours in front of a monitor can ruin their eyes. This is the reason why there are more and more short-sighted youngsters. Now, 20 percent of citizens all over the world is myopic and the number will continue to rise if there is no solution. Mentally, if kids spend too much time living in the virtual world, they may lose the ability to make friends and socialize in a normal way. They will just bind themselves in a closed room without interacting with anybody and so on, the imagination and flexibility gradually disappear. Moreover, violence and inappropriate content may be shown, which can negatively affect young people's behavior.
On the contrary, electronic personal devices have major benefits for children. Getting acquainted with the latest technology may help them to keep up with current affairs all over the world. They are also a great source of learning. Children can look up any knowledge they want on the Internet, which helps them a lot in studying and doing homework. Playing video games can also improve the brain's speed. According to research, individuals who play games frequently can process the stimulations, both visual and audible, faster than others.
Speaking from personal experience, I think the right approach is to have a healthy balance. Parents are responsible for setting boundaries and making sure that their kids are viewing the appropriate content. Children should spend only 1 to 2 hours per day using the Internet or watching television. Furthermore, TV and computers are not the only way to have fun, so parents should encourage their kids to interact and play with other kids in person, too.
In conclusion, using technology appliances offers a clear advantage to children, but we cannot neglect its serious drawbacks. As our ancestors still said "there is no good if it is too much", everything should be in moderation, and TV and games are no different. Only by doing so can we ensure that children can take full advantage of technology.

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