IELTS WRITING TASK 2: SMARTPHONE

Question

Hi, please help me correct and give some feedback on my essay. I'm preparing for my IELTS exam and getting stuck on this. It will be my pleasure whether I can receive your help. Thanks in advance!

Prompt: Some people believe that smartphones are destroying social interaction today.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay

Inventing smartphones became an immense leap forward for humans in the technology industry. However, it is often deemed that those kinds of phones have adversely emerged as a factor distracting human social interaction. In my perspective, the smartphone may divert people’s attention in the social life on a few aspects in an injurious way, nevertheless, I concur with the notion that smartphones have more benefit in connecting people to people rather than eroding as its downsides.

To commence with, on one hand, interesting things in phones may substantially cause distraction in social interactive events. People prefer to indulge in their stuff on phones to interacting with others during assembly. To illustrate, they would use smartphones rather than talk when hanging out, in family meetings… It drives the enthusiasm and enjoyment plummet in kinds of social activities by far. However, those potentials do not always come.

On the other hand, the smartphone catered a new portal for people to communicate with others even though they live on the other side of the world. Have phones left no stone unturned to developed for adjusting to human needs? Since the invention of the telephone was a massive step in human development, we have had mobile phones that are more convenient for moving and smartphones more authentic. Nowadays, as smartphones become ubiquitous, with a single click on the phone, you can have a scope to connect to people globally without traveling physically.

To conclude, I believe the smartphone has more positive effects on the interaction aspect rather than undermining it. As I said, the distraction of the use of smartphones was only a small side of negative impact, furthermore, the connection function of it far outweighs that.
(4 paragraphs, 283 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Your writing is very awkward and unnatural English. Many of the words are not used in their natural context. It is very weird and difficult to comprehend.

You did not answer the essay prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

This is not an advantages/disadvantages essay. You wrote the wrong essay type.

Stop trying to write "sophisticated" sentences. If an examiner cannot understand your argument points, you will get a very low score. Many students think that if they use high-level vocabulary, they will get a higher band score. This is a false impression. One of the four scoring criteria for Task 2 is "Lexical Resource." A student with a high level of lexical resource not only knows many words, but they know how to use them. Here are the descriptors:

Band score 7:

- uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
- uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
- may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Band score 6:

- uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

The issue with your essay is that you make too many errors in word choice and usage. It is not enough to know a word from the dictionary; you have to use it correctly in a sentence. So it is much better to use vocabulary you know well than to make a lot of errors with words you are uncertain about.

Inventing smartphones became an immense leap forward for humans (We do not use "humans" this way.) in the technology industry. (I do not understand this. Smartphones are used by the general public, not just those employed in the technology sector. Further, it is not really appropriate for this task.) However, it is often deemed that those kinds of phones have adversely emerged as a factor (Very strange.) distracting human social interaction. In my perspective, the smartphone may divert people’s attention in the social life on a few aspects in an injurious way, (Comma splice error, very unnatural English) nevertheless, I concur with the notion that smartphones have more benefit in connecting people to people rather than eroding as its downsides. (That makes no sense.)

~~To commence with,~~ on the one hand, interesting things in phones may substantially cause distraction in social interactive events. People prefer to indulge in their stuff on phones to interacting with others during assembly. To illustrate, they would use smartphones rather than talk when hanging out, (too casual,) in family meetings… It drives the enthusiasm and enjoyment plummet (ungrammatical) in kinds of social activities by far. However, those potentials do not always come.

On the other hand, the smartphone catered a new portal (awkward, unnatural) for people to communicate with others even though they live on the other side of the world. Have phones left no stone unturned to developed for adjusting to human needs? (That makes no sense) Since the invention of the telephone was a massive step in human development, we have had mobile phones that are more convenient for moving and smartphones more authentic. Nowadays, as smartphones become ubiquitous, with a single click on the phone, you can have a scope to connect to people globally without traveling physically.

To conclude, I believe the smartphone has more positive effects on the interaction aspect rather than undermining it. As I said, the distraction of the use of smartphones was only a small side of negative impact, furthermore, the connection function of it far outweighs that.
(4 paragraphs, 283 words)

IELTS WRITING TASK 2: SMARTPHONE

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