Ielts writing task 2 - pls correct my writing. Thank you.

Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are benificial to their future career and therefore others subjects such as music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There exists a notion that students should only study subjects which are helpful for their future job and other subjects such as music or sports are unnecessary. From my perfective, I completely disagree with the idea because of some reasons which would be further clarified as follows.
On the one hand, focusing on only main subjects like math and science could assure students a brighter future. First, student could spend more time studying these subjects and conduct research more carefully to obtain profound knowledge so that students could have a better studying result. In addition to this, it is common that many employers today seek for candidates who have profound academic background. Therefore students who achieve the academic commitment could probably more competent in the job market and have a relatively high position in the organisation.
On the other hand, however, the studying of subjects such as music or sports is still avisable overall because of developmental benefits of them to children. First, children are still at early stage of development so that the exposure to music or physics is significant to their mental and physical health. According to longitudinal studies, those who related to music or the children who take up a musical instrument, even they quit later, have demonstrated improved cognitive flexibility and more creative. Second, it is undeniable that children would feel more fulfilled and derive a lot of joy from playing sports which not only could help children unwind and relieve pressure stemming from excessive academic acquisition but also boost their health.
In conclusion, I am convinced that children should be taught not only certain subjects related to their furture work but also a wide range of other subjects like music or physics for their comprehensive development.