IELTS writing task 2 - Please review my new essay

Question

Today, TV channels provide man’s sport shows more than women’s sport shows, why? Should TV channels give equal time for women’s sport and men’s sport?---------------------------------Nowadays, sports are a part of human lives, and the majority of athletes are men. So, a large of fans for sports are also men. A proof of it, sport shows on TV usually broadcast men’s sport shows but rarely women’s sport shows. Personally, I think, TV channels should consider equaling time for women’s sport shows with an appropriate schedule.The reason for the priority of men’s sport shows is that those are more attractive than women’s shows. Because of the natural strength and energy, men’s sport shows make the audiences feel more excited and stimulated. Therefore, those always get a wealth of enthusiastic fans that include both men and women. In fact, the C1 Cups, World Cups, NBA,… get thousands of audiences at the stadium and millions of people watch those competitions all over the world. The number of people who watch those shows demonstrates conclusively the strong attraction of men's sport shows.In another point of view, sport shows for men are too many, TV channels should spend time on women’s sport shows because the contribution of women athletes is undeniable. Even though the attraction of men’s sport shows is too strong, those show for women still needs broadcasting. At least, in some news shows such as breaking news, people could give information about women athletes, results of feminine sport competitions, and so on. For instance, in Vietnam, my country, some breaking news is doing that excellent.In conclusion, sport programs for men are very popular because those shows are really more excited and interested besides the rich of fans, compare to women’s sport shows. However, these shows still need to be populated to get attention of the community, so TV channels should increase the time for women’s sport shows and public news categories for these shows

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

~~Nowadays,~~ (The present tense verb gives the time frame.) Sports are a part of ~~human~~ (We use "human" is some set phrases such as human rights and human resources, or to compare with other species such as apes and robots. Otherwise, it is unnatural.) our lives, and the majority of athletes are men. So, a large of (That makes no sense. Large is an adjective. e.g. A large suitcase, large cup, large salary, and large elephant.) fans for sports are also men. A proof of it, (ungrammatical. This is a noun phrase. It must have a grammatical function such as subject, or object.) sport shows on TV usually broadcast men’s sport shows but rarely women’s sports ~~show~~s. Personally, I think, (wrong comma) TV channels should consider ~~equaling~~ allocating equal time for women’s sport shows with an appropriate schedule.

ductu135Personally, I think TV channels should consider giving equal time for women’s sport shows with an appropriate schedule.

OK, That is your thesis statement.

Now you need two arguments, with examples and explanations that support your view, one in each body paragraph.

However, you did not do this, so your task response will get poor marks.

The second paragraph says nothing about women's sports on TV. It says nothing to validate your position. Thus, it is totally unfitting for your essay and should be deleted.

The third paragraph is weak - only suggesting that women's sports be mentioned on news broadcasts. That is not at all equaling the time with men's sports.

To fix the problem, you can change your thesis

Men's sports will always be more popular than women's, so the TV broadcasters are correctly catering to their audiences by having more air time devoted to them.

and revise the third paragraph, or rewrite the second paragraph completely and change the third one to support your original thesis.

The reason for the priority of men’s sport shows is that ~~those~~ they are more attractive than women’s shows. Because of the natural strength and energy, men’s sport shows make the audiences feel more excited and stimulated. Therefore, ~~those~~ they always get a wealth of enthusiastic fans that include both men and women. In fact, the C1 Cups, World Cups, NBA,… (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in essays" ) get thousands of audiences at the stadium and millions of people watch these ~~those~~ competitions all over the world. The number of people who watch those shows demonstrates conclusively the strong attraction of men's sport shows. (You repeat this a lot.)

~~In another point of view,~~ (The task did not refer to two sides of an argument.) There are so many sport shows for men ~~are too many~~, that it is unfair to women athletes. TV channels should spend time on women’s sport shows because the contribution of women athletes is undeniable. Even though the attraction of men’s sport shows is ~~too~~ strong, those show for women still needs broadcasting. At least, in some news shows ~~such as breaking news~~, ~~people~~ newscasters / reporters could give information about women athletes, results of feminine sport competitions, and so on. (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in essays" ) For instance, in Vietnam, my country, some breaking news is doing that excellent.

There are many wrong words and expressions in the last paragraph.

In conclusion, sport programs for men are very popular because those shows are really more excited and interested besides the rich of fans, compare to women’s sport shows. (Shows do not have feelings. They do not get exited.) However, these shows still need to be populated to get attention of the community, so TV channels should increase the time for women’s sport shows and public news categories for these shows

IELTS writing task 2 - Please review my new essay

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