IELTS Writing task 2 - please help me to correct and evaluate my essay

With the development of technology and science, some people believe that there is no great value of artists such as musicians and painters. What are the things artists can do but the scientist cannot? Should we encourage the art area?

In today’s world, most countries have shown great concern about art. Controversy exists as to due to the amenity of technology and science, whether there is no value of artists such as musicians and painters. However, I am totally convinced that there are many benefits artists bring to our life which scientists cannot do.

To begin with, the most frequent factor contributing to this view is that artists can affect the emotion of normal people through their performances. One example to demonstrate this view is that Mozart’s music helps people feel relieved and motivated. Moreover, this type of music can control emotions and switch them in a positive way. For this reason, artists might bring any plus sides to the emotion of people.

In addition, one explanation to support this view is that musicians have a bigger impact on peoples’ behaviour than scientists. This is shown by the following example. In Vietnam, when people read the information related to environmental problems that were updated by people working in the scientific field, there was a little change in their actions to protect the environment. In contrast, many musicians organized their performances to encourage people to participate in activities regarding the environment. Consequently, there was a large number of young people taking part in protecting the environment. Therefore, it is obvious that musicians are relatively influential with normal people.

Given the aforementioned points, it may be concluded that artists still have a certain influence on our life in this day and age, such as improving humankind's emotions and changing their behaviours. As a result, I share the view that the arts should be motivated more because of its benefits.