IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Please help me

Question

In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you think this is and what can be done about it?    An increase in the crime rate has been seen in many nations in the world. Besides, crimes committed by offenders are also getting more serious. So in my opinion, governments should find solutions to resolve these issues as quickly as possible.   First of all, the reason for the rise in the level of crime is that the number of unemployed people all over the world is significantly increasing. As a result, many of them resort to drugs or have no choice but to commit offenses as a way of making a living. Furthermore, today the media has become popular with many forms of entertainment. However, video games or movies with inappropriate content may desensitize teenagers to violence or some deviation from accepted norms. For example, a child may see aggressive characters in a movie as its role model and mimic the violent behavior if he watches films too much.   Additionally, in some countries, especially developing ones, the economy is stagnant and the standard of living is low. The residents are not provided enough education as well. Consequently, many people can not resist the temptation to take part in criminal activities including both minor and major crimes. Moreover, crimes are also becoming more severe because weapons such as guns, rifles, etc. are upgraded constantly. Some countries do not even prohibit the use of them, for example, America allows people to carry guns.    Therefore, I find that the following solutions should be taken into consideration. First, governments should impose more severe punishments on major crimes such as murder or robbery so that they would serve as a deterrent to the potential criminals. For instance, a murderer has to be sentenced to death or life imprisonment. Second, we need to provide more education or vocational training for the unemployed, because of that they can have the chance to find a great job. Moreover, publishers as well as broadcasters had better censor violent or offensive contents on television and other sources of information. Also, crime prevention programs ought to be encouraged as well.     In conclusion, we must acknowledge that this problem can not be solved in a short time. But the governments still need to take urgent action to reduce the level of crime.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Dear Sherlock;

We have given you feedback on several posts, but you did not respond at all. Do you read this feedback? Do you appreciate it? Did you have any questions about it? If we don't hear back from you, we will assume that you are not paying any attention and help other students.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote 370 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.
Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic.

Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.

You should aim for about 270 words in Task 2.

An increase in the crime rate has been seen in many nations in the world. Besides, crimes committed by offenders are also getting more serious. So in my opinion, governments should find solutions to ~~resolve~~ reverse this disturbing trend ~~these issues~~ as quickly as possible. (When you have something that is continuously increasing or decreasing, it is a trend. So "trend" is a very good word choice. "reversing a trend" means to turn it around so it is trending in the opposite direction, in this case, going down. You missed addressing part of the task. "Why is this the case?" So you will lose some points for task completion. You need to address every point in the essay prompt. e.g.

Besides, the most common crimes are felonies rather than petty misdemeanors. From my observations, the underlying reason is poor economic conditions, and governments must take this trend seriously and find solutions that will reverse it..

)
First of all, the reason for the rise in the level of crime is that the number of unemployed people all over the world is ~~significantly~~ increasing significantly. ~~As a result~~, The stress and financial difficulties cause many of them resort to drugs or ~~have no choice but to~~ steal money or valuables ~~commit offenses~~ as a way of making a living. (You need a much better transition! This is a very bad transition. There is no logical flow of ideas.) Furthermore, since they have lots of free time, they entertain themselves with video games or movies. ~~today the media has become popular with many forms of entertainment. However~~, These video games or movies with inappropriate content may desensitize them ~~teenagers~~ (The unemployed are not teenagers..) to violence or ~~some~~ deviation from accepted norms. So they do not feel guilty after robbing an old lady of her grocery money. ~~For example, a child~~ (A child is not unemployed.) ~~may see aggressive characters in a movie as its role model and mimic the violent behavior if he watches films too much.~~

(A paragraph has one main idea. This paragraph's idea is about unemployed people going into crime. It is not about children or teens and violent games. You will not get a good score for that paragraph because it is so disjointed. I suggested changes which all relate to "unemployed people")

( You need a better transition. This paragraph does not link to the previous one.)
There are more fundamental reasons underlying the high unemployment rates. ~~Additionally,~~ in some countries, especially developing ones, the economy is stagnant and the standard of living is low. The ~~residents~~ citizens are not provided enough education ~~as well~~. Consequently, many people can not find jobs and resist the temptation to take part in criminal activities including both minor and major crimes. (This is repeating the points in the previous paragraph. ) Moreover, crimes are also becoming more severe because weapons such as guns, rifles, etc. (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases like "and so on" in formal essays.) are upgraded constantly. (That makes no sense. Do you mean a gun owner trades in his BB gun for an assault rifle?) ~~Some countries do not even prohibit the use of them, for example, America allows people to carry guns~~.

Therefore, ~~I find that~~ the following solutions should be taken into consideration. First, governments should impose more severe punishments on major crimes such as murder or robbery so that they would serve as a deterrent to the potential criminals. ~~For instance, a murderer has to be sentenced to death or life imprisonment.~~ (Your main point was unemployed having to steal money to earn a living. Murder is straying off topic..) Second, we need to provide more education or vocational training for the unemployed, because of that they can have a ~~the~~ chance to find a great job. Moreover, ~~publishers as well as~~ broadcasters had better censor violent or offensive contents on television and games with excess violence must be removed from app stores. ~~and other sources of information~~. Also, crime prevention programs ought to be encouraged as well.

In conclusion, we must acknowledge that this problem can not be solved in a short time. But the governments still need to take urgent action to reduce ~~the level of~~ crime.

IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Please help me

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