IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Please give me some comments on my essay.

Question

Topic : Some people argue that schools are no longer necessary because children can learn so much from the internet and be educated at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?It is assumed that modern society allows children to self-study at home and acquire knowledge from online sources so the existence of traditional schools should be reconsidered. I personally partly agree with this viewpoint since there are probably differences between these two studying methods.There is no doubt that home and Internet learning can provide students with a great deal of advantages. Children are certainly at liberty to select their preferred subjects to study, unlike being restricted to a compulsory academic syllabus at conventinal classes. By virture of this approach, they can comprehensively develop to their full potential, which would have a beneficial influence on their studying results. Various materials may be accessed to nowadays with the assistance of the Internet where people can accumulate information of any domains. Such advancement has enabled people to grasp the concepts of any subjects when they are left to their own device.It appears quite true that school and other educational institutions apparently serve an important part in . Although homeschooling may encourages self-study amongst learners , there should be a teacher who takes responsibility as a facilitator to foster the study efficiency . They can support children with guidance in view of directing them to learn a lesson properly and enhance their performance. If children go to schools, their soft skills are undoubtedly reinforced by conducting groupworks with their partners or discussing different points. Besides, online and home education may limit students’ talent due to a lack of opponents for them to compete as in a traditional studying environment.In conclusion, both schools and home can be advantageous to education to some extent so it may depends on the purpose of each individual to make a choice.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

It is assumed that modern society allows children to self-study at home and acquire knowledge from online sources so the existence of traditional schools should be reconsidered.

That is not an adequate paraphrase of the essay topic. "Modern society" and "some people" are very very different. Also, the passive voice should be used only when necessary.

I personally partly agree with this viewpoint since there are probably (That is not a good word here. It is obvious to any reader that home schooling is significantly different than traditional public schooling.) differences between these two studying methods.

Suggested opening:

Given the amount of information and online classes available on the internet, quite a few people are questioning the value of brick-and-mortar schools and traditional classroom education. They assert that all children should be home schooled. I somewhat agree with their point of view.

There is no doubt that home and Internet learning can provide students with a great deal of advantages. Children are certainly at liberty to select their preferred subjects to study, unlike being restricted to a compulsory academic curriculum ~~syllabus~~ (wrong word) at conventinal classes. By virture of this approach, they can ~~comprehensively~~ develop to their full potential, which would have a beneficial influence on their studying results. (That does not make sense.) Various materials may be accessed to nowadays with the assistance of the Internet where people can accumulate information of any domains. Such advancement has enabled people to grasp the concepts of any subjects when they are left to their own device.

~~It appears quite true that~~ school and other educational institutions ~~apparently~~ serve an important part in (in what?) . Although homeschooling may encourages (wrong form) self-study amongst learners , there should be a teacher who takes responsibility as a facilitator to foster the study efficiency . (wrong word, spacing error) They can support children, ~~with guidance in view of~~ directing them to learn a lesson properly and enhance their performance on exams. If children go to schools, their soft skills are undoubtedly reinforced by conducting groupworks (wrong word) with their partners or discussing different points. Besides, online and home education may limit students’ talent (wrong word) due to a lack of opponents for them to compete as in a traditional studying environment.

In conclusion, both schools and home can be advantageous to education to some extent so it may depends (wrong form) on the purpose of each individual to make a choice.

You did not make your opinion very clear.

Each paragraph should make one main point. It is difficult to tell the main point of your body paragraphs.

Also, you seem to assume these students are in secondary school, and have choices on subjects to study and the self-discipline to devote many hours a day to learning, as they would in school.

What is your opinion on home schooling for children aged 6-10? Imagine if all public schools were closed. Young children have to learn letters, and how to write them. They have to learn to read stories and books. They have to learn to write the letters and then words. Also, they need to learn numbers, with arithmetic. Can they do this at home? That is the topic you should focus on, not high school or university students who have a foundation of basic learning.

IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Please give me some comments on my essay.

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