IELTS Writing Task 2 - 'Outweigh' essay

I would appreciate it a lot if you can correct my mistakes and also rate this essay IELTS band score for me, thank you in advance!

Topic: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In some countries, the number of young adults is significantly greater than that of elderly people. In my opinion, the benefits of this situation trump its drawbacks.

With a huge figure for young workforce, the competition in job seeking will probably be higher. Many adults might have to face up to the risk of being unemployed because of an excess in the number of employees. Also, it is highly likely that the income of each worker will be reduce, as there will be an incredible number of employees working in the same field. As a result, young adults might easily get distressed worrying about their career prospect. In terms of elderly people, they might find it lonely to see their children focusing too much on their career path and spending less time caring for family. Hence, the gaps between old and young generation in a family tend to be expanded.

However, I personally believe that young workforce is a goldmine of resoures for a country. The demand for employees seems to increase dramatically in the future, particularly in the era of The Fourth Industrial Revolution, most companies are seeking for technologists and computer scientists for example. Moreover, if a country having young workforce can optimize their potential in a right way, such as financially supporting them to study oversea, that country would probably gain a thrived economy and greater future prosperity. Finally, the competitive environment of job seeking might encourage young adults to improve themselves by enhancing their knowledge and skills, instead of being satisfied with what they already have.

To conclude, I strongly believe that it is a huge benefit for countries whose populatio includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of older people.

Other questions:

1. There are some parts I cannot think of a suitable word to express my ideas in an academic way. After reading my essay, do you think that I should improve my academic writing?

2. Also, I was struggling to paraphrase some words without changing their meaning (for example: 'a relatively large number' to 'significantly greater'). In that situation, do you think that i should keep the original word instead of paraphrasing?

Thank you so much for your helps!