[IELTS Writing Task 2] Help me correct this essay please!

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinions.

How to behave with other people should be taught to children early. While some support the factor pf competition, others insist on the importance of cooperation. Although two opinions have their positive sides, I would agree with the second on.

On the one hand, competition can become a motivation for children to boost themselves. Obviously, no one can resist the satisfaction and happiness of becoming a winner. Moreover, the shame of losing or being worse than others is often listed in people’s most fears. Taking part in a contest provides children with targets to complete and opponents to win. For example, thanks to the Olympics, several candidates from all around the world can challenge themselves and be trained to their highest limits.

On the other hand, I believe every child should learn to work instead of competing with others. Firstly, teamwork skill is undoubtedly essential, especially when having a job. In fact, every walk of life requires teaming with others, namely, prepare a group presentation in class, live with family members or build ideas for a marketing project. Therefore, good cooperation can lead to higher efficiency at work. Moreover, through working with others, children can learn various basic moral lessons, for example, respect other opinions and protect your own.

To conclude, both competition and teamwork can have positive effects on children, however, fo the sake of their future, I believe handling cooperation skill well can do them better.