IELTS writing task 2: feedbacks needed

Could you please give me feedbacks and estimated band score according to IELTS writing marking criteria for this essay?

Topic: Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays more and more people are likely to seek a job as opposed to continue their study at higher educational institutes like universities and colleges. On the one hand, this phenomenon is considered as a quicker method towards success by earning money as quick as possible. On the other hand, continuing to study at university is believed as a sustainable pathway to success. The merits of both views will be analyzed before a conclusion is decided upon.

Firstly, some argue that seeking a job allowing them to earn money for their livelihood is an intelligent choice. For example, some well-known billionaires, who are running their own multi-billion businesses, are believed to start their career without having to study at higher educational programs. However, the fact is that although there are some cases of being successful without holding any university degree, they are just a minority and still have to do the life-long studying to manage and struggle in very tough circumstances in their businesses. Thus, the merits of this opinion could hardly be supported.

Secondly, on the other hand, it seems to be more beneficial for those who choose to gain knowledge through courses at colleges before beginning their own career. It is obvious that having a university degree in a specific field is the fundamental and compulsory job requirements, and this means that without certificates of completing certain higher educational programs might interrupt the pathway to employment. Thus, the benefit of continuing our study before seeking job opportunities can clearly be seen.

In conclusion, after looking at these two points of view, it is believed that the possibility of being successful would be enhanced if people continue to study at universities before starting their career.